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For final regular season rankings and standings, click here.
Game of the Week: PRI 128, Blind Squirrels 119. In what initially was a must-win situation, the ‘Itches overcome a terrible day by Garcia and win the battle of the league’s high scoring teams with Darrell Jackson on Sunday night. PRI, who finished third overall in 2000, is in contention again…but will have to go through two-time defending champs VEGA in the first round to advance. With the Assholes losing the Squirrels didn’t have much to play for, as they locked up the American conference, a first-round bye and lost little ground in the point total race. In case anybody forgot, the Squirrels also won the American conference (and point totals) in 2000 & finished second overall.
Combined Good Win & Flop of the Week: VEGA 135, High Tech Rednecks 71. The two-time defending champs were literally fighting for the playoffs; as it turns out a loss this week would have knocked them out of the playoffs. However, with six of eight players in double digits – including 28 by new trade pickup Faulk – it was no contest. After starting the season 2-4, VEGA now faces PRI in their first step towards a potential three-peat. The Rednecks ended their season with a whimper…which is remarkably similar to the way they end an evening of cornholing each other. Currently #11 in total points and out of the playoffs for the first time in three years, they can spend the next nine months imagining how great they’ll be in 2002 with Kurt Warner.
Venwaz Balls 127, Assholes 88. A second consecutive miserable season comes to an end for Venwaz, but at least it was on a high note as behind McNabb and Bennett (really!) they cruise to an easy victory. The next goal for the ‘Balls is to win the Toilet Bowl and collect some winnings to offset those ten season losses. The Assholes only seem to win when it matters…which isn’t a bad thing, but this time their typical shit performance cost them a first round bye. Hey, after missing the playoffs the past two seasons it’s still one hell of an improvement…even with a 70% efficiency. They may be in luck as their first round opponent, the G-Men, aren’t exactly tearing up the league either.
Cheesy-Poofs 148, G-Men 56. A rare BLOWOUT win for the ‘Poofs, who like Venwaz is heading to the Toilet Bowl on a high note. Six of eight players in double figures…too bad they couldn’t have had more games like this during the year. After three years the Poofs miss the playoffs by a long shot…well, there’s always 2002. The G-Men at one time were 4-0 and leading the league in everything, but as it turns out they barely grab the last wildcard spot after their third straight loss and second Kick in the Dick of the season. Probably not the way to enter the playoffs…but they finally made it and could pull an upset over the Assholes. In words of Comic Book Guy, it could be the “worst playoff game, ever.”
Pull My Finger 129, Cyclones 109. In a game that was truly meaningless, the ‘Finger again flexes its muscles and rolls to another ho-hum victory, their fourth in a row and league leading 11th overall. Moss has another big day (finally coming on near the end of the season) and six of eight players are in double digits. They get to sit back & wait for the winner of the Assholes/G-Men matchup…PMF beat the G-Men by ten this season but have never faced the ‘Holes. As for the Cyclones…well…last year’s Toilet Bowl champs do slightly improve on 2000’s record of 4-10 but still find themselves in a familiar spot – bottom of the National. Not like that wasn’t predicted early on…hate to say I told ya so.
Ruffy 85, Dukes 74. Three cheers for the date rapers – despite still being perfect in their career efforts to NOT make the playoffs, they finish with their best record EVER! OK, so it’s only 6-7, but they actually ended up in 3rd place in the National…their FIRST time out of the cellar! They were also 7th ranked overall in the league this year! With these type of strides, do we dare dream of a 7-6 record and (gulp) a playoff berth next year. Oooooooh, it just give me chills!!! The Dukes are the kings of mediocrity, going 19-22 over the past three seasons and making the playoffs once (with a quick exit). Still had a run at postseason this year, but ending the season with dumb starter picks and two straight losses sealed their fate. One wonders if they gave a damn, would they actually do well? Perhaps we’ll never know…
We're down to the last week of the regular season, which is the make-up games from the terrorist attack week and has shaped up to be a great one! Here's the playoff standings as they are today:
1) Pull My Finger (10-2): Clinched Federal title and
first round bye
2) Blind Squirrels (8-4): Clinched American title (thanks in part to G-Men's loss)
3) Assholes (8-4): Clinched National title with big win vs. PRI.
4) G-Men (7-5): Not yet a lock for playoffs but close…need a win to confirm.
5) VEGA (7-5): Win vs. HTR this weekend gets 'em in …a loss may knock 'em out.
6) PRI (6-6): Tiebreakers in their favor…but a win and they're definitely in.
7) Dukes (6-6): Only way to get in is with a win and a PRI loss
8) High Tech Rednecks (6-6): Must win, Dukes must lose, and either G-Men or PRI must lose.
9) Cyclones (5-7): Out of playoffs & basically everything else.
10) Ruffy (5-7): Out of playoffs but by beating Dukes will make good friends with PRI and HTR.
11) Venwaz Balls (2-10): Toilet Bowl berth, but out of last place by points tiebreaker.
12) Cheesy-poofs (2-10): Toilet Bowl berth, and currently SFFL's last place team.
Game of the Week: High Tech Rednecks 165, G-Men 165. A classic shoot-out on Monday night…both teams had players scoring big points, but it was Brett Favre's TD scramble at the game's end that clinched it for the Rednecks. Favre & Faulk both scoring 62…gotta love it! This game was HUGE in terms of playoffs, as with the victory the Rednecks (though needing some help) are very much in the wildcard hunt. Do-or-die vs. VEGA this weekend. The G-Men would have clinched a playoff berth and stayed in the running for the American conference title, but despite Manning's 49 & Schroeder's great Monday showing they fall two points short. Now, they actually need to win to avoid potentially missing the playoffs. Fortunately they play the Cheesy-Poofs…
Rape of the Week: Pull My Finger 168, Dukes 67. The 'Finger continue to impress and show quite a bit of scoring power en route to their league leading 10th season win. Minus the Travis Henry goose egg it was a balanced attack and they were never threatened during the day. Already locked up the Federal conference and a first round bye, what's next? The hapless Cyclones! Look for another beating. The Dukes go cold - very cold - and by looking at their roster appear to have some problems. Additionally, they're #7 out of six playoff teams and must win this week, combined with a PRI loss, to qualify. They luckily draw Ruffy in the last game.
Blind Squirrels 180, Venwaz Balls 85. Another ass-pounding at the high scoring hands of the Squirrels, who with this win and the G-Men's loss have clinched the American conference title. Brooks and Boston continue to impress, and Mason appears to have been an excellent (unchallenged) free agent pickup with 59 points. Squirrels extend point total lead over this weeks opponent, PRI, who are still fighting for a playoff spot. Venwaz loses their SEVENTH straight in spectacular limp dick fashion. McNabb good, Green Bay D good, rest of team CA-CA. They have, however, officially clinched a toilet bowl berth.
Assholes 148, PRI 112. How a team with an under 70% efficiency rating for the year can win a conference is amazing…but the Assholes live up to their name and somehow pull it off when it matters. This one was for the National conference lead, which the 'Holes have now clinched. Credit a nice long reception Holt and a late long TD pass + conversion by just-picked up Plummer for boosting them over the top. PRI is hurting, as they come up flat - well under their weekly point average - and lose a very important game. The weeks NFL schedule doesn't favor their players, but fortunately they own the tiebreakers vs. all the remaining playoff teams in the hunt. PRI controls their own destiny…"a win and they're in," but it will be a tall order vs. the Blind Squirrels.
Cyclones 73, Ruffy 62. A game that was as meaningless as it was ugly, only confirming how much these two teams suck and officially knocking Ruffy out of playoff contention. I will waste no more writeup space on this game other than to wish my good friends at Ruffy the best of luck vs. the Dukes…the commish is counting on you to win, so don't fuck it up.
VEGA 187, Cheesy-Poofs 124. The two time defending champs, who started out 1-4 this season, are one win away from clinching another playoff spot. Warner was nothing short of superhuman (78 points) and Staley had another good game as well. Will Thomas play this Sunday…and will VEGA play him anyway? The game vs. the Rednecks this weekend is bigger than big…despite their current position a loss could send 'em home for the year. The Cheesy-Poofs actually had a pretty good game, despite starting Miller (dummies) thus leaving big points on the bench. The Toilet Bowl is definitely in their future, but this weekend they can play a big spoiler role by beating the G-Men. SO, what are you waiting for...make something of your shitty season and impress us!
We're down to two weeks left…but if the playoffs started today, here's the rankings (top six make playoffs):
1) Pull My Finger (9-2) - clinched Federal conference
2) Blind Squirrels (7-4) - big win vs. G-Men moves them into first in American
3) Assholes (7-4) - need to beat PRI this weekend to lock up National title
4) G-Men (7-4) - still in American race but need to win and some help
5) PRI (6-5) - can swap places with Assholes with a win this weekend
6) Dukes (6-5) - win vs. VEGA and points give them slight edge for now
7) VEGA (6-5) - behind, but schedule favors them for the playoffs
8) High Tech Rednecks (5-6) - second straight win keeps playoff hopes alive
9) Ruffy (5-6) - week #10 loss to HTR was killer, but there's still a chance
10) Cyclones (4-7) - pending an act of God are out of the playoff hunt
11) Venwaz Balls (2-9) - virtually locked up toilet bowl berth
12) Cheesy-Poofs (2-9) - official Toilet Bowl bid!
Game of the Week: Dukes 101, VEGA 89. How they do it we'll never know, but the Dukes luck out on Monday night, pull off another unlikely victory and takes a pube hair of a lead in the playoff hunt. They managed the win with seven players as the Dukes brain trust played a bye week RB and left many points on the bench. They have a big test vs. conference champ Pull My Finger, with a loss being potentially devastating. VEGA's impressive win streak ends with a fizzle…they probably should have won this game easily, but on Monday night Warner has a shit evening and Keyshawn again avoids the end zone. VEGA is currently #7 out of 6, but upcoming games vs. Cheesy-Poofs and HTR should land them a wildcard spot.
Ass-Reaming of the Week: PRI 214, Cyclones 94. Proving their week #3 2-point loss was a total fluke, PRI gets huge points from their RBs and treats the 'Clones like a slam doll. Over the past four weeks the 'Itches have averaged 167 points per game, and would be happy to keep that up as they now have a HUGE game vs. the Assholes next week. Winner takes the conference lead & is definitely in the playoffs. Stay tuned! The Cyclones at best showed remarkable stupidity by betting $100 on this game…hey, did anyone inform them that they SUCK and were playing one of the top scoring teams (actually, yes)? Guess it took this to prove it. I could go on and on, but with a 120-point loss what else can be said? Thanks for the cash, and better luck next year.
High Tech Rednecks 108, Venwaz Balls 71. Thanks to their painfully inept opponent, the Rednecks win this one rather easily. Who needs Faulk to have a good day when you have Rhodes? For that matter, they didn't even need Brady's 62 points (on the bench). HTR still has playoff aspirations but need a bit of help from those above…however, they can help their cause and play spoiler by knocking off the G-Men this weekend. Venwaz…well…this was one of those seasons. The only players scoring in double digits were their special teams, which is never a good sign but "good enough" to earn them the Kick in the Dick. Two tough matchups remaining this year will most likely assure them of a Toilet Bowl spot.
Blind Squirrels 130, G-Men 73. What was supposed to be the weeks marquee matchup turned out to be a joke…the Squirrels win with little resistance and temporarily claim first place in the American conference, plus the efficiency lead...both of which were held by their opponent since the start of the year. Let's not forget that the Squirrels lead the league in point totals too. Is it me or does this seem to happen every fucking year??? Anyway, they now control their own destiny. I keep looking at the G-Men's lineup and wonder how the hell they've managed to win seven games. This week they barely escape the Kick in the Dick, but lose out on quite a bit more. Though it would appear to be a shoe-in, with the way they look they're not a lock for the playoffs just yet…
Ruffy 136, Assholes 108. Seemed like Larry had a good weekend…while celebrating the birth of his second child, his team produced an inspired performance and keep their remote playoff hopes alive. Credit six players in double digits and a good defense on Monday night to help lead them to victory. They play one of the league's shittiest teams this weekend…amazing to think I'm no longer talking about them! Seems like the Assholes missed out on their weekly breaks…the usually low scoring but friggin' lucky-as-hell team scores slightly above their average, but in most cases that won't be enough. Regardless, they hold a one-game lead in the National going into week #12, preparing to put up or shut up against PRI. This one should rock!
Pull My Finger 152, Cheesy-Poofs 84. Probably the least surprising of all this weeks games was the 'Finger hammering out yet another win and locking up the Federal conference title. Looking at their overall team, they have enough studs (minus Ben Gay & the now injured Brookins) to keep them going strong into the playoffs, where they will likely be the #1 seed. They have an excellent chance to damage the Dukes playoff hopes with a win this weekend. The Cheesy-Poofs have officially locked up something too…a berth in the Toilet Bowl. Outside of decent performances by their RBs and 53 points left on the bench, not much else to report. They CAN become the year-end super-spoilers, as they have dates with VEGA and the G-Men coming up.
With three weeks now remaining, the postseason race is still realistic for ten of the twelve teams. If the playoffs were to start this weekend, here are the rankings (based on overall record/head-to-head/conference record/total points). Top six teams make the playoffs; based on this, PFM & G-Men would have a week one bye, Assholes & PRI, Blind Squirrels & VEGA would play first round.
1. Pull My Finger (8-2)
2. G-Men (7-3)
3. Assholes (7-3)
4. Blind Squirrels (6-4)
5. VEGA (6-4)
6. Painful Rectal Itches (5-5)
7. Dukes (5-5)
8. High Tech Rednecks (4-6)
9. Ruffy (4-6)
10. Cyclones (4-6)
11. Venwaz Balls (2-8)
12. Cheesy-Poofs (2-8)
Game of the Week: Cheesy-Poofs 115, Blind Squirrels 112. They said in their lineup submission that they'd "shock the world", and at least in SFFL-land they did. The final factor was on Monday night…with Tiki Barber's TD and 107 combined yards being the difference. This win won't get 'em in the playoffs this year, but it did earn them some respect…their two victories this year have come against the league's top two scoring teams. The Squirrels had sort of an off-day by their standards, with stars Bettis and Smith producing little (and now Smith's injured…). However, the worst part of the loss is falling a game behind the division leading G-Men. Hey, and guess who they play this weekend…with the winner taking control of the American. Our marquee matchup!
Ass-Whupping of the Week: Pull My Finger 199, PRI 96.
Randy Moss comes alive and so does the 'Finger…breaking their two game slump
and proving why the are the #1 team in our league. They actually had more than
enough points with just Moss and Gannon! A win next week vs. the Poofs and a
VEGA loss will clinch the Federal for the 'Finger. After a three game winning
streak and being the top league scorer two weeks in a row, PRI comes up totally
flat…outside of Garcia there were no standouts. A win now becomes a necessity
for playoff survival. They hope to bounce back in a big way against the crappy
Cyclones…and per the wishes of the 'Clones, $100 is on this game! Fools and
their $$$ will soon part…
VEGA 184, Venwaz Balls 118. Hard to believe they started out so poorly as VEGA has now rattled off five straight and are making a late run at the Federal conference title…unlikely, but hey it's entertaining! The reason for this blowout was due to the inhuman performance (79 pts) by Marty Booker. Yes, the BEARS Marty Booker. Go figure. VEGA is most likely playoff if they can knock off the high scoring Dukes this weekend. Despite putting seven players in double digits, Venwaz is one step closer to clinching a Toilet Bowl berth as they lose their fifth straight with nary a fight. The best thing they've done in a while is getting injured Edgerrin James in a trade…which is obviously plans for 2002. That may be the next time they win a game…wait, I take that back, they play the Rednecks this weekend.
G-Men 115, Cyclones 80. Seemingly revived from their thrilling tie-win in the prior game, the 'Men win by 25 - their highest margin of victory since week #3. Benching a hot Jerry Rice brought their efficiency rating tumbling down, but given their opponent it didn't matter. Thanks to the inspired Cheesy-Poofs, the G-Men are again in control of the American conference and are probably one starting RB away from being a true contender. The 'Clones are making pre-season predictions look good with their third straight loss and second straight Kick in the Dick award. Guess that RB stable isn't helping too much. Well, as mentioned in the "Ass-Whuppin" writeup above, in an unorthodox attempt to prove manhood, the Cyclones owners have insisted on betting $100 on the game vs. PRI. For the record, that's the 12th ranked (dead last) scoring team taking on the 2nd ranked scoring team. Fools and their $$$…
High Tech Rednecks 126, Ruffy 119. The 'Necks originally looked like they won by slaughter rule but nearly lost it on Monday night…breathing a sigh of relief when Culpepper finally stopped throwing to Moss. This was a huge win for the Rednecks as it keeps their playoff hopes alive…dropping to 3-6 would have been a tough comeback. With Edgerrin James out for Indy, the Rednecks now have two reliable RB starters for the rest of the season…and need 'em to perform very, very well. Ruffy "could've been a contender" with this win, and as mentioned almost pulled it off (glad you didn't start -2 Flutie??). Now, to make the playoffs they are definitely are looking at must-wins for their last three games along with some help from others. Hey, PRI is cheering for you this weekend vs. the Assholes!
Assholes 139, Dukes 126. Believe it or not, this was the highest score that the 7-3 Assholes have produced in a single week this year…and they did it in come-from-behind fashion on Monday night. Still, when only giving up an average of 92 points per game you're bound to win quite a few! The 'Holes control their own destiny but have a couple tough conference games vs. Ruffy and PRI coming up. Thanks to the kindness of the Assholes, the dumbass Dukes were allowed to count their late lineup which added an additional 7 points to their total. Such a shame, not enough. They have decent team stats and are 5-5 despite themselves…one wonders how good they'd be if they actually gave a shit about SFFL.
Game of the Week: G-Men 105, Assholes 105. After nearly three seasons the G-Men finally started using tiebreakers a couple games ago…and it paid off in this battle of first place teams. Credit Manning and a nice backup job by Schroeder (who torched the Bears). G-Men move to 6-3 and hold a tiebreaker lead in the American. Believe it or not, even with this loss the ‘Holes, who are the lowest scoring and worst efficiency team in the league, still have a game lead in the National. Slowly but surely their sloppiness is coming back to haunt ‘em…and they play a high scoring Dukes team next.
Blowout of the Week: VEGA 184, Cyclones 84. At one time the defending champs were 1-4 and almost left to die…but four straight wins put ‘em back in the race. This was a bitch slapping even with Warner ineffective…how ‘bout Staley and Harrison! VEGA is now two games behind the ‘Finger. It’s good to see the ‘Clones becoming what was predicted of them…as they now occupy last place in the National, tied but BEHIND Ruffy (not a misprint). Keep up the great work guys, the Toilet Bowl wants you back.
Ruffy 145, Cheesy-Poofs 137. Game of the week runner up, as Ruffy built a big lead only to almost watch it vanish on Monday night. Ruffy may have a problem at RB when Emmit Smith returns, but Culpepper and Owens may keep them somewhat competitive. An outside chance of making the playoffs, but a win vs. the Rednecks next week would put them at .500. The ‘Poofs bad luck continues…George is slightly under 100 yards & fumbles (perhaps the difference in the game), plus they leave some valuable points on the bench. Five straight losses puts them at 1-8. Oh, and they get the Squirrels next week. Ouch…
Painful Rectal Itches 183, High Tech Rednecks 145. The Rednecks remain PRI’s bitches for yet another year. The “Buffalo Shrimp Bowl” goes to the ‘Itches, who for the second straight week lead the SFFL in scoring. It started out doom and gloom with Faulk breaking the 71 yarder, but Garcia and the “amazing” Antowain Smith pace their third victory in a row…and they move into second place in the National. PRI gets a good test next week against the suddenly slumping ‘Finger. For the ‘Necks, Favre looked good, Faulk looked great…but, oh damn, they’ve now lost three straight and sit at 3-6. Will they be cornholed by Ruffy next week? Stay tuned.
Dukes 180, Venwaz Balls 137. The Dukes benefit from a HUGE night with Shawn Alexander, and had they made decent coaching choices could have had much much more. The Dukes are still in the Federal race, and get a chance to beat the National leading Assholes next week. Venwaz actually looked pretty good with six starters in double digits…unfortunately not nearly good enough to win, and at 2-7 (4-game losing streak) are frontrunners for one of the Toilet Bowl spots. They could play the spoiler role by knocking off VEGA next week…well, we’ll see.
Blind Squirrels 158, Pull My Finger 145. The Squirrels have won four straight, remain tied for first in the American and are tearing up the league…though we just learned today that they’ll have to do it without Edgerrin James for the rest of the season. Bettis, Barlow, Boston and Brooks, er, Fiedler, pace the victory. However, this was no gimmie as the ‘Finger put up a good fight. Six of eight players in double digits…but oooooh, starting “the Rocket” vs. high scoring Willie Jackson is likely the reason they dropped their second straight. The commish hopes PMF makes a similar blunder in next weeks matchup.
Game of the Week: G-Men 124, Venwaz Balls 120. After winning their first four games and dominating the league, the G-Men have been sliding the same way that the Sunday hot wings leave my ass the next morning. BUT, low & behold, the Polish kicker & a surprise start for Terrell Davis push them over their opponent and onto their fifth win. The victory keeps them in first place in the American due to head-to-head matchups. Next week they try to work their magic vs. the league's hottest team, the 6-2 Assholes. Venwaz gives almost all they got in a painfully crucial game for them in terms of conference and playoff survival. Well, despite huge days by McNabb & Thrash, when all was said & done it was just a few points short. At 2-5 they are statistically still in the playoff hunt but appear more Toilet Bowl bound at this time.
Blowout of the Week: Painful Rectal Itches 176, Ruffy 119. Flashback to week #1's 68-point reaming...for what it's worth, this one was slightly closer. No question about it , PRI's niggas are known as Ruffy. The 'Itches entire lineup (minus K & D) comes to life in a big way, topped off by a decent Monday night performance (gasp). Stat-wise, PRI has it together but at 4-4 (two games out in the National) still have much to prove. The Rednecks, with a fresh Marshall Faulk returning, will be a big test next week. Ruffy may have seen their best chance at a run for the title dissolve like Flutie did on the field. Their receivers continue to produce, but their RBs are two steps under "suck" status. They may get a break playing the rotten Cheesy-Poofs next week, but it's almost a now or never situation.
Blind Squirrels 106, High Tech Rednecks 83. The outcome isn't much of a surprise, but this game was closer than the score would indicate. "Superman" Rod Smith comes through with a big Monday night to lift the Squirrels to 5-3. Outside of Smith and the kicker, not a ton of extra support for the league's point total leader (including that choice of starting James). Tied for first in the American and facing 7-1 Pull My Finger next week...a setup for a great game. The Rednecks have truly been suffering, but the good news is that due to injuries, bye weeks and a shitty bench their efficiency was perfect this week. The yearly grudge match comes up for them next week vs. PRI...Favre vs. Green...3-5 vs. 4-4...oh, how the tension is killing us!
Assholes 95, Cyclones 79. Last in league efficiency and only #5 in power rankings, how these guys have won six straight is beyond comprehension. Well, it never hurts when teams don't score against you (three victories were against that weeks Kick in the Dick receipient). They get just enough points to go two up overall in the National plus one up in the divisional records. The 'Clones, PRI and Ruffy all become G-Men fans next week! Speaking of the Cyclones, they probably could have won this game but left a few too many points on the bench. After starting 3-1 they're now at .500 and face a VEGA team who may have finally found itself. Good luck...
Dukes 91, Cheesy-Poofs 49. Despite themselves, the Dukes are at .500 and actually not playing too bad. A boatload of points left on the bench hurt their efficiency, but then again they were playing the leagues worst team. They draw a hurting Venwaz next week and could still be in the conference title hunt with a victory...and since they only have one bye-week player to start, it may not hurt them much. The Poofs are the first team officially eliminated from any chance of both a winning record and a conference title...and there's still five weeks left! To add insult to injury, they pick up their second Kick in the Dick trophy this season while setting the league's lowest score YTD. Enough said on that sad subject...
VEGA 113, Pull My Finger 99. Old champs die hard, and a Warner-less VEGA proved there is still some life pumping through their veins. Getting some good output from Bears players and their backup QB, VEGA wins their third straight in a conference do-or-die game and pulls to .500. VEGA can help thesemves and screw up the National conference by knocking off the Cyclones next week. PMF, the league's low scoring wonders, needed a huge evening from Gannon to remain undefeated and all but lock up the Federal conference title. Well, they got a very good evening but not quite enough. At 7-1 they're still in wonderful shape...we'll see what they're really made of vs. the league's high scorers, the Squirrels, in week #9.
Game of the Week – Blind Squirrels 251, Dukes 188. Both teams explode for huge points but the Squirrels take command…both in the game and (with their division competition sliding) apparently in the American conference. Went back five years and 251 s the #4 highest one week point total in SFFL history – topped only by 1998’s PRI (323) & “?” (294), and 1997’s Heavy D (263). Enough history lessons…all players hit double digits led by Brooks’ 62. Up next, the patsies called HTR. The Dukes lose their second in a row and take over 3rd place in the Federal. Regardless, the team doesn’t look as bad as one may think…but they pretty much have to win vs. the totally awful Cheesy-Poofs for any hope of winning the division.
LAME of the Week – Assholes 92, High Tech Rednecks 57. Two “powerhouse” teams live up to their 11th and 12th place rankings in SFFL YTD point totals. OK, it’s true the ‘Holes have won five straight and lead the National, but not without help from their past two opponents. They can extend their division lead to two full games with a grudge match vs. the second place Cyclones, who beat ‘em in the first meeting. The Rednecks look about as lost as a castrated gigolo. No Favre, no (Marshall) Faulk, no bench…heap big trouble and this weeks KICK IN THE DICK. With injuries and bye week casualties, next week looks grim…oh, and they’re playing the Blind Squirrels. D’OH..
Pull My Finger 160, Venwaz Balls 76. The ‘Finger is definitely for real, breaking out of their low scoring drought with this rout. Hard to find fault as they’re getting the job done with their seventh straight win. Hey, and as luck would have it they get VEGA sans Warner next week. 8-0 IS possible! Once upon a time Venwaz was a good, solid team…but shit, can’t even remember back that far anymore. 2-5, a terrible RB situation and the Squirrels in your conference isn’t a good thing. Perhaps righting this sinking ship is around the corner with the G-Men.
Painful Rectal Itches 114, G-Men 110. PRI actually make some smart decisions this time around and win a close but crucial game. Garcia was both the hero and almost the goat, since the opponents had the Chicago D. The ‘Itches will take the win and look towards an important game against - believe it or not - Ruffy next week. The G-Men fall a bit short as their slide is now at three straight games. Manning can’t carry the whole load, and this team is so shallow they don’t even have enough players that start. Look for the slide to continue vs. a desperate Venwaz next week.
Cyclones 181, Cheesy-Poofs 130. The ‘Clones set themselves up for a showdown against division leading Assholes…and this was a good tune up for it. The question is, will Brad Johnson and the N.O. D be able to overachieve again? Can someone else in their stable of RBs step up? Stay tuned. The Poofs have a somewhat decent output despite leaving a shitload of points on the bench. If there ever was a team in disarray, it’s right here. Technically not out of it but pretty much playing for pride at this point. The high scoring Dukes may put ‘em out of their misery…
VEGA 141, Ruffy 84. The defending champs finally appear to be out of hibernation and have moved into second place in the Federal (though a quite distant second). The A-Train looks like a blessing and should fatten up that weak RB crew. If VEGA wants to repeat as division champs, it’s do-or-die next week vs. the undefeated ‘Finger…and this time it’s without the Warner show (bye week). Ruffy’s miracle three-game win streak comes to a screeching halt and they fall back into last place again. To get out, they get a shot at PRI but will have to do it without Culpepper.
Game of the Week: VEGA 134, Cheesy-Poofs 124. What initially was a game of the "weak" featuring the leagues two worst teams turned out to be a dandy. VEGA shows flashes of their past championship years with six players in double digits...plus they have a new stud RB in the A-Train. They'll never miss that other guy with the broken ankle, Biakabutotalwasteofspace, but play a hot Ruffy next week. The Poofs found their own (short-lived) gem in Canidate, who almost provided them with enough oomph for the win. Close but no cigar. Floundering at 1-5, they may get a break as they play a slumping Cyclones next.
D'OH of the Week: Assholes 66, PRI 59. This game was even uglier than the score. The Assholes leave nearly half their points on the bench, and trailing by 5 points with THREE players to go on Monday night barely squeak by with a win. The good news is that they've won four straight and now lead the National conference. The commish can describe PRI's performance by quoting Chris Farley - "stupidstupidstupid". Good fortune with pickups turned sour, with Glenn's hammy producing zero and the commish's last-minute executive decision to start Grbac over Brady did 'em in. A win puts 'em in first, but this loss puts 'em in last. Thank God one team did worse, and PRI plays them next week!
Blind Squirrels 165, Venwaz Balls 131. The Squirrels snap their 3-game losing streak and return to the top of the point totals with the high score of the week. Their running backs were simply spectacular and look like the best tandem in the league. The Squirrels now are only one game out of the division lead. Venwaz puts on a decent show of their own but still fell way short...and to 2-4. Will they be able to pull the upset against an undefeated team next week? They'll need to if they want to stay in the conference race.
High Tech Rednecks 71, G-Men 56. This buttwipe of a game rivaled the Holes-Itches stinker in ineptness. The Rednecks vaunted "Faulk2" backfield scored a perfect "00". Crowell probably saved the game for 'em, though it was a last gasp...he's now out for the season. Fortunately this was a big win for the 'Necks...at 3-3 they're right in the thick of the American conference. It was only a matter of time until the G-Men started to crumble...though partially self-inflicted since they started two bye-week players, their team is so shallow that it didn't matter - they would have lost anyway. Oh yeah, nice Kick in the Dick for the apathetic effort. Fortunately they play PRI next, who lately has a habit of giving games away.
Ruffy 148, Cyclones 88. What's up with Ruffy? Three solid wins in a row and they're only a game out of first place in the National! Well, they have no running backs worth mentioning but Culpepper and their receivers have been on fire. The Cyclones fall out of first with their second straight loss...the RB heavy team gets 5 points total from their starters and loses WR Robinson for the year. Ouch. Well, you know you're in trouble when you start Chris Chandler at QB and he's the high scorer on your team. Look for a real swell matchup vs. the Cheesy-Poofs next week.
Pull My Finger 77, Dukes 64. OK, with all due respect to our leagues ONLY undefeated team, what the fuck?!? 6-0, barely averaging 100 points per game, and second to last in the league in scoring? Some teams just have all the luck...but hey, after last season they deserve it! Wait...did the realy start Larry Centers???? Anyway, their opponent put up no fight whatsoever, which always helps. Strangely enough, the Dukes start their swan dive much earlier than normal. PMF now leads the rotten Federal Conference by three full games...
Game of the Week: Pull My Finger 93, G-Men 83. Normally you'd think the battle between two undefeated teams would be more exciting...but don't let the score fool you. PMF hangs on to go 5-0, despite an under 100-point performance, bad efficiency and little receiving help (where are you, Randy Moss??). The G-Men were trailing but still in it going into Sunday night...though they gagged with a subpar performance by Manning & Rice gagged. Sorry Peter, I still think you guys have been lucky to date.
Blowout of the Week: PRI 180, VEGA 96. One sentence should sum this one up - "Garcia good, Warner bad." The commish's team gives him a nice birthday present in this easy romp. 2-3 isn't great but playing conference rival Assholes next is always exciting. VEGA is 1-4 and remarkably desperate, since their division leader is 5-0. Two time defending champ not even making the playoffs? It's still early but looking not-so-good...
Dukes 136, High Tech Rednecks 109. Say what you want, but they have a winning record at 3-2. The Dukes DRAFT pick of Shawn Alexander looks like a genius move, and this week they actually played him! Next week they have 5-0 PMF, a battle for the conference lead. Bet the Rednecks, who have Watters (again this year), aren't feeling too good about it. They can redeem themselves by bringing the G-Men back to earth (again) this weekend.
Assholes 139, Cheesy-Poofs 70. The 'Holes are starting to look like the intimidating team of old, sporting a decent running attack and putting together their third straight win. Important matchup vs. PRI this weekend in the completely wide open National conference. The Cheesy-Poofs prove last weeks victory was a fluke...they leave almost half their points on the bench, earn the Kick in the Dick plus drop to 1-4. Put a fork in 'em.
Ruffy 181, Blind Squirrels 116. This is one score I bet you never thought you'd see. In the Culpepper and Owens show, RUFFY of all teams, who have showed inconsistent flashes of brilliance at times, blow out the suddenly struggling Blind Squirrels. This is not a misprint. All of a sudden they're in the division hunt. Again, this is not a misprint! Despite a decent output, the Squirrels drop their THIRD straight and now have to beat an improving Venwaz to stay out of LAST place. Misprint? Nope.
Venwaz Balls 146, Cyclones 93. Venwaz does the commish a favor by proving the 'Clones aren't as good as they want to think. Vinnnnny, Carter, and new K pickup (and former Husker) Brown do the damage and lift 'em to 2-3. They're believers again if they can knock off the Squirrels. The Cyclones mighty running game totals a whopping 11 points...and outside of Brad Johnson and their bench players don't get much. It doesn't get much better either, as they play a hot & hungry Ruffy.
This was certainly the week of the upsets, as “technically” four of the six games could be called as such. Almost all the games were close. Anyway…
Game of the Week: Pull My Finger 125, High Tech Rednecks 114. The ‘Finger is riding high at 4-0 after hanging on for a victory that may not have happened. Kicker+Defense was the difference, plus a nice TD by Randy Moss never hurts. 2-12 last year to this?? Wow. The Rednecks fall to 2-2 with a spirited effort that fell a bit short. Actually they initially thought they lost by 1, with the difference being that Faulk fumble, but an error in the Baltimore D scoring (FLM’s fault, not mine) widened the margin.
Comeback of the Week: Cheesy-Poofs 126, PRI 121. The Poofs notch their first win of the year with a huge come-from-behind victory on Monday night. The Rams D was outstanding, and by shutting out Detroit gave them that extra boost which put ‘em over the top. PRI at 1-3? Yup. The commish & Gene feel humbled and snakebit all at the same time. To think they should’ve/would’ve/could’ve been 3-1…but desperation time is officially here.
Assholes 123, VEGA 101. Two strong victories in a row puts the ‘Holes in a solid second place slot in the National. Still a tad sloppy on the efficiency side of things, but five out of eight starters in double-digits usually spells victory. The defending champs are looking like anything but that at 1-3…with Warner again providing a lopsided amount of points. Good matchup of two desperate teams next week when they face PRI.
G-Men 117, Dukes 97. Probably more surprising than Pull My Finger are the G-Men, who at 4-0 are leading the league in almost every positive statistical category so far this year. They just keep winning…this week it was with Vick at the QB spot and a good egg from Dorsey Levens (PRI needs some of their luck). Well, they did get a bit of help from their opponents, who basically shot themselves in the foot by leaving 66 points on the bench. This is unusual for them, as the Dukes usually don’t start fucking up until about six games into the season.
Ruffy 119, Venwaz Balls 90. Ice must be forming somewhere in Hell as Ruffy actually wins a game. They tried really, really hard to lose though…by benching 36 points with Eric Moulds & starting Gowins over Allen. Culpepper & Owens helped them along that unfamiliar winning track. Venwaz was simply overpowered, so to say. As is usually known, when your kicker is the high scorer (well, tied with McNabb), bad things usually happen. This week it was bad enough to earn the Kick in the Dick!
Cyclones 124, Blind Squirrels 110. I guess it’s time for the commish to stop picking on the ‘Clones…unlike the bitch slapping their college took this weekend vs. Nebraska, these Cyclones run their record to 3-1 and actually EARN it. Winning against the Squirrels when your QB is –6 can’t be easy and deserves some respect. The Squirrels drop their second straight and looked like a team sorely missing Edgerrin James in their lineup. A few good WR performances counterbalanced by below average ones at QB & D brings ‘em up short…and two games out of first in the American Conference.
Game of the Week: G-Men 130, Blind Squirrels 99. Seems to be a new Top Dog in the SFFL as the surprising G-Men stay undefeated with a knockout punch to a seemingly unbeatable Squirrels teams. This week the other players step up as Manning has a bad day - perfect efficiency and 37 points by rookie Tomlinson paced the win. G-Men are on top of the American conference, power rankings and efficiency. Can this carnage last much longer? The Squirrels simply didn't have the firepower this week to topple their league rival. They actually looked, uh, ordinary across their roster. Missing James next week won't help but they now need a win to keep from potentially falling to third place!
Flop of the Week: Cyclones 84, PRI 82. Give credit where it's due...84 out of 88 potential points rarely will ever generate a "W" in our league. When your kicker is the high scorer on your ROSTER you shouldn't be in first place in your conference. Worse yet, going into a Monday night game, trailing, with your kicker vs. the opponents QB should always add another notch in the loss column. However, anything is possible when your opponent does some lineup shuffling to produce a pathetic 57% efficiency rating and giftwraps the fucker for you. A win is a win, but the 'Clones earn no respect for it...just the satisfaction that they were able to take advantage of a truly horseshit job by PRI.
High Tech Rednecks 124, Venwaz Balls 104. As if winning a CAR (Bockman) earlier in the week wasn't enough, the 'Necks improve to 2-1 with a nice conference win. Favre and Faulk, were the factors...gee, wonder if we'll hear that more than once this year. Will they be able to derail an undefeated team next week? We'll see. Venwaz, who sits four RBs on their bench, had a somewhat decent game but outside of McNabb no real standout performances. 1-2 but luckily draw the bye week with Ruffy at bat.
Assholes 127, Ruffy 52. The 'Holes once again show they have some life on their team with 164 potential points as they march on to an easy win, their first of the year. If these guys can ever figure out who to play they might actually contend in the crappy National Conference. Surprisingly there was a team even worse than PRI, and gee, I wonder who that could be. Oh, of course, RUFFY. Big fucking surprise. Let's see...money...$10 for the loss, $10 for the week #3 Kick in the Dick, and $10 in lost transaction rolloffs. OH, good choice sitting your #1 pick, and your teams high scorer. Nice week, just super.
VEGA 92, Dukes 90. The two-time defending champs finally break into the win column in week #3, but only due to a lot of luck and some help from their rather apathetic opponent. This was truly the Kurt Warner show as he accounted for over 68% of their total points. Most of the rest of their big points were left on the bench. With no visible running game and facing an revived Assholes, they better hope Warner keeps on the superman cape. The Dukes almost came back on Monday with Curtis Martin but fell a couple points short of staying undefeated. Note to the team: when you say "we'll keep the same lineups from last week", you may want to actually LOOK at your lineups first. Tennessee D gave 0 points as a starter, and Bledsoe gave 0 points as a backup. Both those stupid oversights cost you the game. Hey, and I didn't even mention Priest Holmes with his 66 points on the bench...oops, too late.
Pull My Finger 99, Cheesy-Poofs 97. The quietest team to be undefeated in a while, but they're the Chargers of the SFFL as they surpass all of last years wins in the first three weeks of 2001. This one did not come easy, as they came from behind on Monday night with a strong performance from Hearst on a run-happy SF team. They face a tough Rednecks team next week and will need a better effort to keep the current win streak going. The Poofs are devastated at 0-3 and basically shot themselves in the foot with bad player management this week. Trent Green has a huge day, but three of their five players in double digits sit on the bench. Whoops. Looking for their first win against an angry PRI next week...may the team who fucks up the least win.
Game/Shocker of the Week: G-Men 165, VEGA 142. Looky who's 2-0, it's the surprising G-Men scoring over 160 points for the second straight week. Peyton Manning delivers over half of their offense, but the crushing blow was Shroeder's one and only catch on Monday night, which pushed them well over the edge for the win. Next matchup, Blind Squirrels...for the conference lead. Looky who's 0-2, our two-time defending champs. Warner & Harrison both turned in 55's, but it wasn't enough. Things don't get easier for VEGA, as they face a hot Dukes team next.
Joke of the Week: Blind Squirrels 157, Assholes 62. This was a mismatch from the get-go. Squirrels were relatively balanced and awesome as usual, only suffering a bit in the efficiency ratings. Currently #1 in points, but a BIG game coming up next against the G-Men (bet you thought you'd never hear that), who are right behind 'em in points and the conference. The 'Holes are outscored by nearly 100, are now 0-2, last in scoring and also earn the coveted Kick in the Dick for week #2. Made better player selections this week, but everyone basically sucked. This is shaping up to be a year of hemorrhoids for 'em.
Pull My Finger 88, Ruffy 79. The 'Finger has already matched all of last year's wins after only two weeks, though it was no pushover. God Bless those 94-yard receptions by Jamal Anderson! Outside of that, not overly impressive...but then again they basically had a bye as they were playing Ruffy, who's managed a whopping 161 points in the first two weeks. These bozos scare nobody. Is it too early to start chanting "Toilet Bowl"?
Dukes 168, Cyclones 100. What initially looked like a good matchup turns out to be a cakewalk for the Dukes. Balanced attack all the way through, with the Denver crew leading the way. No big shocker, the Dukes always seem to start out the seasons fast...but a gut-check comes this next game as they face the desperate two-time defending champs. The Cyclones get a gold star for having Marcus Robinson...but a ton of har-de-har-harrs for not only picking up Shane Matthews, but starting him over a decent Chris Weinke. Hope they stay that dumb as they face my team next.
High Tech Rednecks 102, Cheesy-Poofs 86. HTR come from behind (their favorite Greek position) with the help of Favre and Freeman on Monday Night. They now have the pleasure of playing Vewnwaz in the battle for 3rd place in the tough American conference. Outside of Pathon, the Poofs had basically nothing to give except some laffs for starting Ty Detmer (-4 points). Still looking for their first win, they face an undefeated PMF team...but have Eddie George (and, er, Detmer) on bye week.
Venwaz Balls 134, Painful Rectal Itches 93. Venwaz grabbed the lead early and never relinquished...McNabb & the Green Bay D were awesome, but if they started Thrash (58 pts) it would have been a massacre. For the 'Itches, this was the week they needed Green to get 60+ points...but a subpar week with little WR help is what really did 'em in. Upcoming matchup with the Cyclones will determine the leader in the pathetic National conference.
Surprise/Blowout of the week: G-Men 162, Venwaz Balls 73...despite now losing McCaffrey, the 'Men looked pretty damn good in their season opener. Looking equally bad was Venwaz, leaving half of their potential points on the bench. Would've lost anyway. D'oh!
Flop of the week: VEGA - Pull My Finger 121, VEGA 72...former champs get their balls handed to 'em by last year's worst team. To top it off they "earn" the first Kick in the Dick of 2001 for such a lousy performance. Congrats to both teams!
Blind Squirrels 180, High Tech Rednecks 107...James outdoes Faulk and Brooks betters Farve in this runaway victory. Both teams show excellent efficiency, but the Squirrels are simply better...good week as they take high score honors PLUS the #15 draft pick high score ($55).
PRI 150, Ruffy 82...ho-hum runaway victory for the commish's team...literally runaway, as Ahman Green looks like an awesome #1 pick with a week high 64 points. Hey Ruffy, bad Culpepper + no RBs + no WR help = shitty team.
Cyclones 112, Assholes 98...still fresh from their Toilet Bowl victory, the 'Clones have a balanced attack and take advantage of the 'Holes horrible lineup choice (leaving over half their potential points on the bench). An unexpected start for both teams.
Dukes 113, Cheesy-Poofs 77...outmatched right down the line, the 'Poofs meekly open wide and allow the Dukes' Griese train to pass right through 'em.
CONGRATS to the Blind Squirrels, who's #15 draft pick San Diego D (25 pts) squeak out a victory over the Cheesy-Poofs KC D (23 pts). Squirrels get the $55.00 prize. G-Men, High Tech Rednecks and the Dukes (who drafted a bye-week player in the 15th round) didn't play, just donated $5 each.