Week In Review ARCHIVES
All writeups from the main page are listed here...with the most current at
top
Week #17
TOILET BOWL 2002
Ruffy 95, Dukes 31. About as ugly as one would expect for this
game, but the better team easily prevailed. The only real drama was
related to the point totals finals and if Ruffy could score the 87 points needed
to earn some cash. They do so and actually fall only six points short of
the #2 spot! In most leagues a team scoring this many points would be
going far into the playoffs...but again we are dealing with a team that has
never made the playoffs and usually underachives. However, the cash they
will collect should make this their most successful season ever...guess you
gotta take what you can get. OK, we're shifting gears from some success to
utter failure to talk about the Dukes. They pulled their usual lineup
bullshit by submitting it Saturday during the Oakland-KC game, with Jerry Rice
as a starter...and amazingly are dumb enough to wonder why it wouldn't be
allowed. Rice was a nonfactor anyway, but they needed some points from the
San Fran D to avoid the lowest single week scoring output in league history
(still held by VEGA). Finishing 4-11 isn't the worst SFFL record, but the
huge amount of $$ they'll pay out will certainly make it seem like they're the
worst ever. They do have a chance at redemption...in 2003...if they can
get the draft board right!
Week #16
SUPERBOWL
2002:
Assholes 103, FuMunda Cheez 83. Story
of three seasons…the Assholes started off the year very strong, winning their
first three. Then, a five game slide
had them at 3-5 and more or less at the brink of elimination.
Then they turn it around and win four of their last five, including three
straight & grab a wildcard berth the last day.
After that, it’s three straight wins and their second league
championship since my involvement in ’96 (the last time was 1997).
This weeks performance was not their best as their big guns of Williams
& Portis didn’t excel…but with a bit of help from their opponents it was
enough. Looks like a big
payday is in store for the ‘Holes, as they win the Superbowl, probably the
point total, efficiency, power rankings, and the $$ for the wildcard berth.
We know who will be buying some rounds at the year-end party!
FuMunda makes it to the big dance but falls victim to injury and
generally bad coaching decisions. They
missed out on Kerry Collins huge day and started Bulger, who quickly injured
himself. OUCH.
Why start a Rams player anyway, they’ve sucked all year...well, it
gives them all the more reason to hate ‘em.
Anyway, that was more or less the story of this Superbowl, a missed
opportunity. Even though the
championship eluded them, it’s nothing to be too ashamed about…for what
it’s worth, after last season’s 4-10 record they have a great turnaround
season at 9-6 and will collect vs. pay this year.
Division champs and second place $$ is still pretty good.
High Tech Rednecks 126, PRI 107. Fortunately
for the Rednecks, they didn’t miss out on Toomer’s monster day…turns out
they really needed it as the rest of their team was as limp as Dave’s dick
around females. The ‘Necks finish
off their year at 8-7 and earn a $50 consolation prize for their finish.
The ‘Itches felt pretty good after Saturday’s games, then watched two
of their uninjured Sunday starters turn in zero points, while the injured (and
benched) Darrell Jackson grabs a 38-yard score on their bench.
Fuck. Tough way to end the
season as this loss cost them the efficiency championship & 3rd
place prizes. Bragging rights to the
Rednecks until 2003 hurts even more...
Cyclones 105, G-Men 71. Outside
of the Assholes, the Cyclones were the best team in our league the second half
of the season. Remember at one time
they were 0-6, but end up finishing in 7th place at 8-7.
Most important, they’ve earned the respect of the commish!
A few extra dollars for the efforts will offset some of their bills.
I was all ready to write about how the G-Men shot themselves in the foot
by playing an injured Owens and Walls, but as it turned out it just didn’t
really matter. Their entire team was
lousy this week. Bledsoe starting at
–4? Painful.
They earn a few dollars for 8th place and look forward to
2003.
Blind Squirrels 194, Venwaz 99. The
Squirrels end strong, very strong, even if it mostly meaningless.
Manning scores 64 and six of eight players hit double digits…and they
could have scored more! The
Squirrels earn back a bit of respect and the $10 they owed for their last loss.
Venwaz ends the season at a disappointing 10th place overall,
only two rungs up from their last place finish in 2001.
The good news is that Fiedler, well, oh who really cares…at least they
have a shot at a high draft pick.
Pull My Finger 125, VEGA 94. This
game held some meaning, at least for one of the teams, and the ‘Finger improve
their chances of earning some point total cash with the 125-point effort.
For the year they’ve locked up 5th place and now must hope
Ruffy stinks it up in the week #17 Toilet Bowl.
VEGA, well they probably suffered the same fate that most other fantasy
teams had with Marshall Faulk. A
hard fall from grace indeed, but like
Week #15
Playoffs, Semi-Final
Round:
FuMunda Cheez 130, Painful Rectal Itches 100.
The ‘Cheez turn out a strong performance, putting seven starters in
double digits and riding good days by Deuce Staley and Marc Bulger to victory.
The #1 ranked team as seasons end is now heading to the Superbowl!
This team, formerly known as the Cheesy-Poofs,could be the story of the
year…from Toilet Bowl champs in 2001 to a possible SFFL Championship in 2002.
Additionally, perfect efficiency inches them into the overall lead in
that category. PRI’s
improbable run to the finals ends with a lackluster performance.
Gee, it’s kind of hard to win a game when only one of your deadbeat
starters manages to find the endzone…well, one if you’re not counting the
defense. The ‘Itches will now play
for the 3rd place prize and still have a shot at the efficiency
title.
Last Chance Bracket,
Semi-Final Round:
Pull My Finger 145, VEGA 63. The
‘Finger ends their season in a relatively respectable fashion, thumping the
former champs and finishing 9-6. A
shame they missed out on Trent Green’s 62 on the bench, but they didn’t need
it with six starters in double digits, five logging 20 points or more.
The “once mighty” VEGA ends up in 6th place overall, or
basically their playoff seeding. Hey,
you can’t win ‘em all…but you can certainly earn a Kick in the Dick for
this lousy performance!
Ruffy 179, Dukes 120. As
mentioned, this game was only for the stats…and Ruffy’s decent performance
keeps them right in the thick of things for point total $$$ (hey Ruffy, looks
like that Marcell Shipp trade may pay off! As
for the Dukes, this was completely meaningless and they continue to suck.
These two teams have Week #16 off then play for the coveted Toilet Bowl
title, all by themselves, in Week 17.
Week #14
PLAYOFFS, First Round:
Painful Rectal Itches 133, VEGA 98. The ‘Itches end their mini-slump by pulling off their most important win of the season, ousting the three-time defending champs. Jeff Garcia (60 pts) was a true lifesaver, and the backfield performed well enough to push them over the top. PRI hopes for a bit more balance next week against the league’s highest scoring team…but a team they’ve already beat this year. All good things must end sometime…and VEGA will not be keeping the SFFL trophy this season. Not a banner day for the team that’s dominated the postseason for the past three years…Faulk was a true letdown, and Gannon managed exactly 0 TDs though passed for over 300 yards. Never mind Smith’s 20 points on the bench, it wouldn’t have made a difference in the outcome. VEGA plays in the consolation round next week, for 5th place honors.
Assholes 130, Pull
My Finger 118. OK, everybody
sing: “Oh, Ricky, you’re so fine,
you’re so fine you blow my mind, HEY RICKY!”
In one of the true great comeback games in SFFL history, the Assholes
ride Williams’ 55 points on Monday night to an upset victory, which also
happens to be their fourth straight win. Sneed
& Co thank the Bears for electing not to tackle in this game.
They leave many points on the bench, but still manage to take over the #1
spot in point totals. Easily the
most dangerous team in SFFL right now, they move to the second round & face
their buddies, the Rednecks. For the
‘Finger, a good season comes to a bitter end…even more sad considering they
have the one-man wrecking crew in Priest Holmes.
Seven of eight players in double digits this week, but playing
Last Chance Bracket, First Round:
G-Men 134, Dukes 88. The team that missed the playoffs due to bad judgement looks like they should be in the regular playoffs with this win. Six players in double digits and perfect efficiency, not a bad performance. If only they played the polock kicker in week #13…but they move into the second round. The Dukes have ended up right where they belong…after spending $7 in transaction fees for Mike Alstott (9 pts) and benching Tim Couch (50 points), they’re at the bottom of the barrel in the SFFL and can start looking forward to a Toilet Bowl berth vs. Ruffy. Better go get those markers now for the 2003 Draft Board!
Blind Squirrels 118,
Ruffy 100. I heard the rumor
that after years of success, Erik has been whining like a sissy about his poor
team this year…starting to sound like a
Other matchups, for points/efficiency/power rankings:
Week #13
Cyclones 139, Ruffy 116.
The ‘Clones end their season on a positive note, getting seven of eight
players in double digits and winning five of their last six.
If you could erase the first seven games of the season they’d be
heading towards the championship…but despite the nice turnaround they fall
short of the playoffs yet again. Speaking
of missing the playoffs, looks like the only active SFFL team to never make the
postseason will have to wait another year. All
is not lost as they are still flying high in points & efficiency, so they
have a shot at some $$. Outside of
that, one has to wonder what would have happened if they would have played a
tiebreaker in week #1…
1.
FuMunda Cheez
(8-5) – come up big when it matters, win Federal and get first round bye.
2. High Tech Rednecks
(7-6) – avoid sheer embarrassment by hanging on for American title.
3. Painful Rectal Itches (7-6) – unlikely conference champs stumble
to title, thanks to the Assholes.
4. Pull My Finger
(8-5) – tied for leagues best record; swept by ‘Cheez so they take wildcard
berth.
5. Assholes
(7-6) – leagues hottest team wins last three, helps PRI and clinches wildcard
berth.
6. VEGA
(7-6) – three time defending champs return to the playoffs
again…barely…limping…
7. Venwaz (7-6) – lack of scoring finally catches up…miss playoffs on
point tiebreaker with VEGA.
8. Cyclones (6-7) – going 5-1 in last six games earns them some much-needed
SFFL respect.
9. G-Men (6-7) – valiant run towards playoffs falls short in an inconsistent
season.
10. Blind Squirrels (6-7) – they end their slide on a great note, but way too
late to really matter.
11. Ruffy (5-8) – big scoring, big potential, lose five of their last six
games and piss away their season.
12. Dukes (4-9) – another disappointing year…but the Toilet Bowl’s #1
candidate!
Week #12
Wow...believe it or not, TEN teams are still vying for playoff spots! The writeups are below but I need a bit of time to figure out the true playoff scenarios...the only truly simple one is for the American conference, where the conference winner will be the only team going to the playoffs from that group! With a couple exceptions, almost anything can happen in the National and Federal conferences. All-important week #13...gotta love it!!!
Cyclones 164, High Tech Rednecks 117. Simply an amazing story…’Clones get 57(!!) from Atlanta’s D and in beating the conference leader are now legitimate challengers for the division title. Need a win and a Rednecks loss to see the postseason. Despite a decent performance by Warner & their WRs, the Rednecks get a goose for starting Deuce and could be sitting out the playoffs this year. They must beat the Dukes to make the playoffs…repeat, they MUST win to get in.
Dukes 121, Ruffy 118. The early oust from the playoffs made me declare “Let them be spoilers”, and they’re doing a hellava job. The Dukes get a rare big day from Shawn Alexander and notch their 4th win of the year. They can do major conference damage by knocking off the Rednecks. What happened to Ruffy? Four INTs from fudgePacker Favre ruin good days from their backfield…and possibly ruin their first shot at the playoffs. All is not done, but now they must win and cheer for the Dukes to get in!
Venwaz 107, Blind Squirrels 65. Does everyone choose to have their off days against Venwaz? Despite sitting Davis, the league’s second lowest scoring team does it again, is now 7-5 and are a virtual playoff lock. Also, thanks to the Assholes, they still have a chance to win the National…just need a win AND a PRI loss. The Squirrels only get one starter in double digits (week #11 pickup William Green), take the loss and the Kick in the Dick for the week. Worst of all, they’re now out of the playoffs. Hello, last chance bracket!
Assholes 133, Painful Rectal Itches 96. The Assholes keep their wildcard hopes alive in a huge win, with the backfield duo of Williams and Portis literally carrying them to victory. They also even up on their side bets vs. the ‘Itches. A win next week earns them a playoff berth and helps PRI win the conference. Speaking of PRI, their five-game streak is snapped in miserable fashion. Little help from anybody with the exception of Jeff Garcia, and a couple injuries did ‘em in. Still in good shape for the playoffs and conference title, but to confirm it they just need either a win OR Venwaz loss. That’s it..
G-Men 117 FuMunda Cheez 100. The ‘Men make a stunning come-from-behind victory on Monday Night, thanks to Terrell Owens. This win more than anything else upsets the balance in the Federal conference, and though they can’t win the conference it still puts the G-Men in a possible playoff position! A win over PMF would get them in! Despite a great effort by Kordell Stewart, the Cheez lose a golden opportunity to take some control of the Federal conference. However, they still remain in first place and can clinch the conference in the HUGE matchup vs. VEGA. Winner take conference, loser could go home.
Pull My Finger 173 VEGA 162 . The ‘Finger stay quite alive in this Monday night comeback win, beating VEGA in both meetings this year. Priest “Superman” Holmes contributed 78, while the backfield dished out most of the points. 173 with a gooseegg in the lineup? Wow. A disappointing loss for VEGA, as they put seven players in double digits and may have won if San Fran wasn’t so awful on Monday night. The three-time defending champs are pushed to the brink in this loss but can guarantee a playoff spot with a win…though now would also need help from the G-Men to win the conference. Did I mention how big the game is this weekend vs. FuMunda Cheez?
The Playoff Seedings after Week #12
Check back on Wednesday for more playoff
info!
1. Painful Rectal Itches (7-5) – a
win or Venwaz loss clinches division for ‘em.
2. FuMunda Cheez (7-5) – the head
of the pack in the Federal; VEGA is game of the year.
3. High Tech Rednecks (6-6) –
must-win-to-make-playoffs; only American conf. winner is eligible.
4. Venwaz (7-5) – virtual playoff
lock but need win & help from Squirrels to overtake PRI in National.
5. Pull
My Finger (7-5) – likely in
playoffs either way, has beat VEGA twice.
6. VEGA (7-5) – conference record
drops ‘em down, but all will be decided vs. FuMunda.
7. G-Men (6-6) – need a win or
they’re out of it; hold tiebreaker against Assholes.
8. Assholes (6-6) – similar situation to the G-Men…but they too hold some
important tiebreakers.
9. Ruffy (5-7) – latest loss was
crippling, need a win & HTR loss to make playoffs.
10. Cyclones (5-7) – a win and Rednecks loss makes them the Cinderella story
of the year!
11. Blind Squirrels (5-7) – only playing for pride and “last chance
bracket” seed now.
12. Dukes (4-8) – division killers kicking ass when it doesn’t matter to
‘em anymore.
Week #11
Week #11 Playoff Standings
This is easily the most competitive year in SFFL’s history.
Believe it or not, with two weeks left still nobody has clinched their
respective division! PRI and the
High Tech Rednecks are close as each holds a one game lead, but with seven teams
at 6-5 or 5-6, plus two weekends of conference play, just about anything can
happen. As of right now 11 of the 12
teams have a chance to make the playoffs, with the only sure “out” being the
Dukes. If the season ended today,
here’s the standings:
2. Painful Rectal Itches (7-4) –
likely a playoff lock & one win in next two games clinches the National.
3. High Tech Rednecks (6-5) – can
clinch but need a win. Watch out,
playoffs still not a guarantee.
4. FuMunda Cheez (7-4) – should
make playoffs but loss of their QBs will make next two weeks tough.
5. Venwaz (6-5) – decent playoff
shape but will need to score more points so they’re not passed at the end.
6. Pull My Finger (6-5) – big
win boosts playoff outlook and puts ‘em within range of National title.
7. Ruffy (5-6) – lost four of last
five and possibly stumbling completely out of playoffs.
8. G-Men (5-6) – hanging in there, but another loss should end their playoff
hopes.
9. Blind Squirrels (5-6) –must beat
Venwaz this week or they’ll miss playoffs for first time since ’99.
10. Assholes (5-6) – conference title officially out of reach, but still
outside chance at wildcard berth.
11. Cyclones (4-7) – longshot, but if ‘Clones & Dukes both win last two
games they win the American!
12. Dukes (3-8) – officially out of playoff run but can play spoiler role in
American.
VEGA 97, Dukes 66. Here come the three-time defending champs, rattling off three straight wins and remaining in a first place tie in the Federal. This was anything but a pretty win (or game for that matter), as the Denver D lead their team in scoring, their receivers/TE totaled 13 points and their rotten efficiency was only topped by their opponent. Still, a win is a win…but the have an acid test to end the season…starting off with 6-5 PMF who beat them by 45 in their first meeting. The Dukes tried to make some noise, but a big VEGA cock in their mouths chokes ‘em out of the playoff hunt. Not much to talk about, other than noting that they were so bad this week that they earned both the Kick in the Dick and low efficiency. Also, it appears they’ve lost Griese for the remainder. To add insult to this injury, they left enough points on the bench to win the game. Anyhoo, their last couple games are still meaningful since they can play spoiler in the American. Watch out, Ruffy!
Painful Rectal Itches 154, Cyclones 98. The battle of the leagues two hottest teams ended up a blowout in favor of the good guys. PRI extends their winning streak to five games behind a solid performance by Jeff Garcia (55) and seven of eight starters in double digits. With both Venwaz and the Blind Squirrels losing, PRI now occupies first place in the National all by themselves. In the most unlikely turn of events this season, the once 0-3 team needs one more win to clinch the conference title…and the Assholes are up next. The Cyclones see their three game winning streak halted and lose their starting QB in the process…so it looks like it will again be the Culpepper-Moss tandem for the remainder of the season. Despite this loss which most likely ends their playoff hopes, give the ‘Clones a hand for turning their season around. It’s true that they’re actually not out of playoff contention just yet, but as the Grateful Dead fans used to say, “need a miracle.” A win over the High Tech Rednecks would be one piece of the unlikely puzzle.
Week #10
First, a quick look at the playoff standings
through Week #10:
WOW, what a great year so far…three games to go, nothing is locked up and
everyone is still in the playoff hunt!
Some say parity sucks but you gotta admit it’s rather exciting!
2. High Tech Rednecks (6-4) –
getting Warner back in a couple weeks will make them tough to beat.
3. Painful Rectal Itches (6-4) –
perfect conference record gives them leg up in National.
4. FuMunda Cheez (6-4) – better
conference record than VEGA but need to beat ‘em in week #13.
5. Venwaz (6-4) – still in great
playoff shape despite absent offensive punch.
6. Ruffy (5-5) –
Best of the .500 teams, win vs. PMF would be big boost to playoff berth.
7. Blind Squirrels (5-5) – on the
fringe, but right now on the outside looking in.
8. Pull My Finger (5-5) – 33 more total points and they’re in 7th
place.
9. G-Men (4-6) – poor conference record, upcoming Squirrels matchup a must win
for wildcard hopes.
10. Assholes (4-6) – #3 in league scoring but not catching breaks.
Close to extinction.
11. Cyclones (4-6) – nice turnaround, but tough road to playoffs as they face
both Ruffy and Rednecks.
12. Dukes (3-7) – technically not out of it though odds much more heavily
favor a Toilet Bowl berth.
High Tech Rednecks 174, FuMunda Cheez 111. The Rednecks appeared ready to hit a major slide, as their point total was going down fast and they didn’t get Bulger in the roll-off, thus starting Carr. Turns out they didn’t need a QB as they rocked the slumping Cheez and keep control of the American conference. Five players with 20+ points and new trade acquisition Hines Ward chipped in 34. With a bit of a divisional cushion, the ‘Necks now take on their best buddies the Assholes. The Cheez are the ones who picked up Bulger, but piss his 69 points away on the bench. Actually their lineup was a comedy of errors as they ended up worst in power rankings and 2nd worst in efficiency for the week. The Baltimore D was their high scorer…not a good thing. Remember when Fumunda was once the league’s best team? They’ve now lost their last three games, tumbled from their lofty rankings and are actually now in second place behind VEGA. They play the low scoring but still winning Venwaz next week…will that be enough to get back on track?
WEEK #9
Cyclones 140, Ruffy 134. WOW, is it really possible that the Cyclones have won two in a row? Against two good teams? You betcha! Tiki Barber rumbles for 51 points and Tommy Maddox is a great replacement for the sucky Culpepper as the 'Clones knock off the league's highest scoring team & division rival. Still in last in the American (of course), but actually making a nice late run AND they're only two games out of first! So much for Ruffy's easy schedule…despite six players in double figures, they get a goose egg from their TE (too bad Gonzo was on bye) and only 20 from Favre, which stunted their Monday night comeback attempt. Ruffy still leads the SFFL in points (by 30), but three straight losses drop 'em to 4-5. Next week it should be a scoring fest as they take on #3 scorer Assholes…and desperately need a win.
Dukes 125, High Tech Rednecks 29. Written off for dead, the Dukes turn
in a nice effort in this conference matchup, putting six starters in double
digits at a perfect efficiency rating. No fines for these guys this week, which
is not the norm. Believe it or not, they're 3-1 in conference and only two games
out of first. Perhaps a playoff run…assuming of course they turn in their
lineups. PRI hopes they don't this next week. In an effort reminiscent of the
gloryhole days of old, the 'Rednecks put up a whopping 29 points, barely
exceeding the all-time futility record of 25 set by VEGA a few years ago. See
their three Rams players on the bench producing nothing. Admire Freddy running
for 0 points, then to the doctor. Only highlights to report are the Kick in the
Dick and low power rankings for the week. Amusingly, due to Ruffy's third
straight loss they manage to remain in first. They will need to do about four
times better to have a shot at FuMunda Cheez next week.
Assholes 105, Venwaz 91. The usually high scoring Assholes barely break
the century mark and only get 17 combined from their Monday night players…but
it was enough to end their five-game losing streak. Six players in (low) double
digits, Zereoue was the leader, and believe it or not Shane Matthews was a big
factor in their win. A big one for the 'Holes as they finally get a conference
win and stay only one game back in the National race. Unlike their lucky
roll-offs this past week, no such luck for Venwaz in the game as they fall to
5-4. Davis' backup Watson was respectable with 22 points, but James' backup
Williams pulls a hammy before the game and is scrubbed. Hardeharhar. Another low
scoring event for the balls-less Venwaz….they're now technically in 2nd place
but still tied for the lead. Tough matchup vs. PMF next.
Painful Rectal Itches 132, Blind Squirrels 126. Looky who's back from the
grave and now leading the National! The 'Itches survive a late comeback attempt
on Monday night by the Green Bay D and win their third straight. Another perfect
efficiency weekend, with the stars being Garcia and Bennett…both of which have
finally been giving some consistent production. Currently at 5-4 with a 4-0
conference record, the 'Itches take over first place…but they'll have to knock
off a sometimes challenging Dukes squad to stay there. The Squirrels drop a
close, exciting game, falling just short of a Monday night rally (by the way,
Ray Lucas really sucks). Bummer. Manning and the Green Bay D are the stars with
30+ points each. The loss keeps 'em tied for first at 5-4 but actually drops 'em
to third. Facing VEGA next week will be a daunting task.
Pull My Finger 108, G-Men 83. The battle of mediocrity is won by the
'Finger, who gets 33 points from the much-maligned Keyshawn "get in the
damn endzone" Johnson. A generally low scoring affair, which you may expect
when Vick scores only 3 and they start Jonathan Wells…but a win is a win. This
one makes 'em 5-4 and was a big one, because with the FuMunda Cheez loss it puts
them well within striking range at a game out. Low scoring Venwaz is up next.
The G-Men fail to keep up in this one, primarily because they have three Bills
in their starting lineup and Buffalo was awful on Sunday. Nice to see Hollis
chip in a negative score while the polock kicker adds 16 on the bench…not that
their crappy coaching really mattered in the long run as they still would have
lost. 4-5 may only be two games out of the lead, but it's also last place in the
Federal. Playing a revived, hot Cyclones team next week is not the gimmie it
once seemed to be.
VEGA 114, FuMunda Cheez 91. Old champs die hard…VEGA rises to the do-or-die challenge of playing the league's best team and National conference leader. It was not a dominating performance, as outside of Marshall Faulk's 39 the rest of the team performed under average…with the exception of Tom Brady's 62 on the bench (QB change time??). Regardless, the win puts the three-time defending champs at 5-4, 2-2 in conference and one game out. A pissed-off Blind Squirrels team is on the horizon, and it should be a dandy. The Cheez drop their second straight, and this one hurt as it helped the rest of their division get right back in the mix. A Monday night comeback with Green and Driver seemed very possible, but only Green was a factor, scoring 41, and that wasn't enough. Outside of the Husker, the Cheez had no firepower whatsoever this weekend. At 6-3 they're still leading the National by a full game, and face the Redneck pussies next in what should notch them their seventh win.
WEEK #8
Pull My Finger 129, High Tech Rednecks 118. It came down to a kicker vs. WR & TE on Monday night, and as the trend has been this year the KICKER wins it…and the ‘Finger move to 4-4. A nicely balanced game for ‘em with 7 of 8 players in double digits, led by Priest Holmes (big surprise). This game may not have been so close had they seen Vick’s big day coming and started him. Anyway, this win basically knots the Federal conference with three teams at 4-4, two games back & chasing FuMunda Cheez. Conference matchup vs. G-Men very important next week. Turns out the Rednecks didn’t even need a defense as they would have still fallen a few points short (Seattle, the one they wanted to play but dropped two weeks prior, scored 8). McAllister had a great day but it was all in vain…as Amani Toomer & Chad Lewis were chumps on Monday night, totaling only 6 points. The loss drops them to 5-3, but with Ruffy’s loss and playing in the American conference, they’re still easily in first.
Cyclones 122, VEGA 99. The upset special of the weekend became a reality, with the ‘Clones notching their biggest win (in a few years) over the three-time SFFL defending champs. Culpepper & Moss vs. the Bears were the big point earners, but Barber on Monday night pushed ‘em over the edge. An interesting stat - both of their wins have come against last years best two teams! Next week they play on of this years better ones, Ruffy. VEGA got great production out of their TWO backup RBs, but a subpar day for Gannon (at least for his standards) and not much other support – including starting an injured TE – spelled doom for this week. A shame of a loss as they could have moved within one game of conference leading Cheez…but will have their first shot at ‘em directly this coming weekend. With the divisional competition and dwindling schedule, it should be considered a must-win.
WEEK #7
High Tech Rednecks 121, Ruffy 86. The Rednecks continue to surprise everyone, including themselves, by seemingly not needing a QB to win. This week they get over half their points from Deuce and Fred and easily cruise over the also surprising and high scoring Ruffy. Good thing they don’t need a QB, as Harrington isn’t too good, Ramsey won’t be starting anymore, and even if the Rams QB tandem they have could play, it’s bye week. They’re now all alone in first in the American, but can they pull another win against the Finger? Bring a QB. This week Ruffy looked like the team of old that we grew to love & abuse. Five players in double digits but led by their Defense…ouch. Favre only scores four…ouch. This low output not only drops them out of the pole position for scoring, but a game behind the ‘Necks in the conference race. Venwaz is next, at it appears McNair will be at the helm for Ruffy…ouch.
Blind Squirrels 250, Assholes 138. Will the real Blind Squirrels please stand up? In the most dynamic offensive output of any team this year, the Squirrels exorcise their retarded, underachieving demons and blow away a tough opponent in a very important conference matchup. Too many good things to list here, but let me say one thing: Shannon Sharpe, where the FUCK have you been the past couple years!!! They’re now more or less tied for first place in the National and look forward to thoroughly asspumping the Dukes next week. Speaking of asses, the ‘Holes weren’t terrible this week but never really had a chance. Brooks was their main standout but he could’ve had 100 points and it wouldn’t have mattered. This loss drops them to 3-4, still only a game out of first but all the way down to last place in the National. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you score, but what you do with it. Next up, the G-Men.
Painful Rectal Itches 102, Venwaz 80. Well, it was another ugly win but PRI rises to the challenge and wins their third conference game of the season. Albeit a poor performance, barely breaking a hundred, and kicker Feely leading the scoring pack…a far cry from last weeks 160+ effort. Anyway, what matters is after the 0-3 start, the ‘Itches have went 3-1 and are back in contention in the National. A true test vs. SFFL leading Fumunda Cheez is in the works for next week. Venwaz, the scoreless wonders, needed quite a few more points from Edgerrin James on Monday night to give them victory…but it turns out it was just enough to avoid the Kick for the week. Actually they were a couple better starting roster choices away from leading the National by a game, but they fall into a virtual tie with the Squirrels. Luckily they face Ruffy sans bye-week Favre, though they’ll still need a much better effort if they want to win.
VEGA 134, G-Men 84.
The defending champs seem to be returning to prime time with a vengeance,
knocking off a sometimes dangerous opponent and moving ahead of .500 for the
season. On a day when their
receivers & TE totaled two (2) points, they got all they needed from
Gannon & Faulk who scored over ¾ of their points.
A Faulk-less (bye week) VEGA will need a more balanced effort next week,
but fortunately get a break as they play the Cyclones.
The G-Men bend over meekly and lose this game with nary a whimper.
All the
WEEK #6
FuMunda Cheez 172, Assholes 135.
One team is standing out over all others so far this year…and that
would be…the Cheez. Talk about
improvement, they’ve already won more games in six weeks then they did in all
of 2001! Five FGs by
Venwaz 96, Dukes 66. The commish will have to run a full-scale inquiry into this one, as sexual favors must have been promised in exchange for throwing this game. Venwaz, who suffered through a generally subpar week with lots of points on the bench, is the beneficiary of a nice gift…since their opponent opted not to field a full team this week. Can’t fault the winner, and this keeps Venwaz on top of the National, now by a full game. A desperate but suddenly offensive-oriented PRI plays them next week. Bottom line, by looking at the bye week players and realistic lineups, the Dukes definitely should have won this game. Like Russ, I rarely speak my mind or put down other teams, so let me speak out just once to say this is a fucking disgrace. This year they’re batting .667 on lineup submissions when nothing less than 1.000 will do. This one helped Venwaz but pissed off the other three teams in the National. Computer blew up? Dog ate your lineups? Cut the bullshit…for God’s sake there are THREE co-owners of the Dukes!!! For the sake of all the other teams in the league can you at least pretend that you’re interested in fantasy football?
Cyclones 141, Pull My Finger 119. Three cheers for the good guys - Hip, Hip, HOORAY for the Cyclones, who finally break into the win column with an impressive victory over a tough opponent. Just a coincidence St. Louis beats Oakland in the same week? Regardless, the ‘Clones get big days from Culpepper & Lewis, but would have won bigger if they played the right RB as Bettis had 43 on the bench. Here’s better news – they could actually make it two in a row as they face fellow 1-5 cellar dweller Dukes next week, who won the first meeting (but they turned in a lineup that week). The ‘Finger gets great days from their KC attack, a good kicking performance from Stover, but very little in between. Sadly they missed Alstott’s one good game of the year & left him on the bench (guess you can drop him now). At 3-3, they have a chance to avenge their 7-point loss two weeks against conference leading Fumunda Cheez…and will need it to avoid falling three games back.
WEEK #5
High Tech Rednecks 146, Cyclones 39. This one doesn’t even qualify as a game since it was so unfair. The ‘Necks improve to 4-1, and all they needed to do was start one player - Deuce McAllister – to win (FYI, Deuce scored 48). Next weeks matchup against VEGA should provide much more of a challenge. Without harping too much on the Cyclones transaction ineptitude, lack of trade foresight, and of course the inability to even start the proper players…let’s just say they’re absolutely fucked as a whole. With the second lowest scoring output in SFFL HISTORY, this week they are officially the first team to take the Hall of Shame Trifecta, with the Kick in the Dick, low efficiency and low power rankings all in the same week. Noose & breakaway chair available at no cost.
Week #4
Ruffy 163, High Tech Rednecks 103.
The new team to be reckoned with in the SFFL…drum roll please…it’s
Ruffy! With a little, OK a LOT
of help from Tony Gonzales, the date rapers annihilate their division leading
opponent. At 2-2, Ruffy leads our
league in scoring and doesn’t appear to be slowing up anytime soon.
They should improve more next week vs. the Dukes.
It was only a matter of time for the overrated Rednecks to return to
Earth…and they did it in glorious fashion by also losing Warner for quite a
while. At least they still have a
great RB tandem and either 4-INT Fiedler or the rookie Brees to carry them to
further glory. A week against the
Cyclones certainly doesn’t hurt.
Dukes 170, Cyclones 87.
The battle of our top toilet bowl candidates was decided quickly on
Sunday evening, with Shawn Alexander running like a madman for 88 points &
giving the Dukes their first win of the season.
In a way I feel good for ‘em as they made it through an entire week
without screwing up once. Perhaps
their luck will hold out for another week, but the’ll need some facing Ruffy
without Alexander. What nice things
can be said about the ‘Clones? Well,
their college counterpart certainly looks good after destroying my Huskers this
weekend. It also appears
Blind Squirrels 177, Assholes 123.
An unusual yet impressive win for the Squirrels…who needs a QB when
your RBs score nearly 100 points combined? Testicleverde
logged in at 0 but the rest of the team contributed nicely in this spanking.
That 58-point performance in week #2 appears forgotten about as they log
in as the high scorer this week. 4-1
looks promising. “Assholes plugged
by Squirrels” has certainly been a headline somewhere in
Painful Rectal Itches 101, Venwaz 44.
It wasn’t pretty, but PRI finally notches a win in 2002.
A few decent yet unspectacular performances helped, along with a complete
meltdown by their opponent. Good to
see Bubba Franks is one of our top QBs. Next
up, the high scoring Assholes…a win would certainly help get the ’Itches
back to some respectability. When
one player in our league (Alexander) scores TWICE as much as the entire TEAM of
Venwaz, you know it can’t be a very good week.
In fact, it was such a rotten week that there was no close competition
for both the Kick in the Dick AND low efficiency ratings.
Isaac Bruce was the lone standout while the Miami D actually cost them
–5. Even had they made the right
QB choice (Johnson on the bench with 56) they would have lost.
Will need a huge improvement vs. the Squirrels next week.
FuMunda Cheez 133, Pull My Finger 126.
The Cheez have a decent outing, but primarily benefit from their
opponents bad judgment in this conference victory.
Donald Driver, the new stud on
G-Men 118, VEGA 112. The ‘Men end what appeared to be a slide to the conference cellar with a big win over the defending league champs. Despite TWO starters delivering zero points, the Oakland D comes up with 41 points and four other players hit double digits. Guys, perhaps you want to continue starting the hot QB Bledsoe? The game wouldn’t have been as close without that one error. Anyway, they are now even at 2-2 and play FuMunda Cheez for a shot at leading the Federal. VEGA appears to have a few issues in their roster…outside of Gannon’s huge day and another decent output by their RBs, they had no other support as their other five starters totaled just ten points. With a good PMF team on the horizon, they’ll need to get their act together to avoid hitting the cellar.
Week #3
Venwaz 105, G-Men 105. A thriller to be sure, as another game in our league comes down to the tiebreaker player. Venwaz had the right one, and came from 23 behind on Monday Night to win their second game. Not exactly the prettiest game, but they do manage to get five starters in double-digits. The all-important points were the Gramatica extra point after the INT return for a TD with a minute left in the game. Venwaz plays downtrodden PRI next week and hopes to grab a share of the National conference lead. Perhaps the ‘Men could be pretenders after all…a couple good days by Bledsoe and Owens and five of their starters also in double digits couldn’t produce more than 105 points. Backup Marcus Robinson produced ZERO, which was the deciding factor. At 1-2 they’re now looking up at the rest of their conference, and VEGA next week.
Week #2
Kick in the Dick: Blind Squirrels (58) Low Power Rank: Blind Squirrels (-93) Low Efficiency: Dukes (66.7%)
High Tech Rednecks 151, Blind Squirrels 58. Though most people would think that the scores must surely be backwards, this is NOT a misprint. The ‘Necks run their record to 2-0 behind strong performances by their RB tandem and the San Diego D which ate up the Texans. Again, as in last week, they did it with Kurt Warner being basically a non-factor…which explains the Rams 0-2 start (sorry, Goose). Next week they get an underachieving PRI team in their quest for 3-0. Not much to say about the Squirrels other than What The Fuck Was THAT?!?! They easily earn the Kick in the Dick for this week, their first one in something like three years…
Venwaz 132, Cyclones 115.
Venwaz gets into the win column, partly in thanks to a long TD by Price
in OT. James was also a big
contributor and appears to be “back” this season, while the “high
scoring”
Week #1
Week #1 15th Round player winners – 1st: Cyclones (TEN D, 24), 2nd: Pull My Finger (HOU D, 21), 3rd: Dukes (SF D, 18).
Week #1: Power Rankings - PRI Efficiency - PMF. Both teams contribute $5 each to the league.
Kick in the Dick - a TIE, Dukes & PRI (101). Both pay $10 to league.
Assholes 123, VEGA 116: The 'Holes start out the season on a winning note, getting 106 of their starters points from Miami and New Orleans players...good this round, but oooh, bye weeks 8 & 9 will hurt if they don't get other support. VEGA begins defense of their three straight league championships on a low note, falling just a bit short on Monday night...Vinatieri almost kicked them to the comeback victory. Curious to see if a QB controversy is in the making, as Brady sat with 49 points.
Pull My Finger 130, PRI 101: The Priest Holmes show and a surprise outing by the Houston Texans D (not a misprint) vaults the ‘Finger to a week one victory. Wait – I think Holmes just scored again. A few too many points on the bench may hurt efficiencies. PRI gets little help from its stars (where the fuck did you go, Corey Dillon) but retains a shred of respectability with a big day from Marty Booker. Outside of that, just avoiding the "Kick" with a good tiebreaker was about the best they could do.
FuMunda Cheez 125, Ruffy 125: Ah...the importance of a backup player. The new Cheez, with a very balanced attack - six players in double digit scoring - eek out a victory in the first week. Antowain Smith's fumble on MNF (for Ruffy) was a big help. Yes, even though Ruffy put out generally decent figures, they get the DUMBASS recognition of the week for NOT including a tiebreaker player in their lineup...thus handing over the tie decision to their opponent. Also, they leave big points on the bench. Looks like another banner year in the making.
High Tech Rednecks 140, Venwaz 121:
What a lovely first outing for the Rednecks…six players in double
digits,