Week In Review ARCHIVES
All writeups from the main page are listed here...with the most current at top

Week #17

Ruffy 95, Dukes 31. 
About as ugly as one would expect for this game, but the better team easily prevailed.  The only real drama was related to the point totals finals and if Ruffy could score the 87 points needed to earn some cash.  They do so and actually fall only six points short of the #2 spot!  In most leagues a team scoring this many points would be going far into the playoffs...but again we are dealing with a team that has never made the playoffs and usually underachives.  However, the cash they will collect should make this their most successful season ever...guess you gotta take what you can get.  OK, we're shifting gears from some success to utter failure to talk about the Dukes.  They pulled their usual lineup bullshit by submitting it Saturday during the Oakland-KC game, with Jerry Rice as a starter...and amazingly are dumb enough to wonder why it wouldn't be allowed.  Rice was a nonfactor anyway, but they needed some points from the San Fran D to avoid the lowest single week scoring output in league history (still held by VEGA).  Finishing 4-11 isn't the worst SFFL record, but the huge amount of $$ they'll pay out will certainly make it seem like they're the worst ever.  They do have a chance at redemption...in 2003...if they can get the draft board right!

Week #16

Assholes 103, FuMunda Cheez 83.
  Story of three seasons…the Assholes started off the year very strong, winning their first three.  Then, a five game slide had them at 3-5 and more or less at the brink of elimination.  Then they turn it around and win four of their last five, including three straight & grab a wildcard berth the last day.  After that, it’s three straight wins and their second league championship since my involvement in ’96 (the last time was 1997).  This weeks performance was not their best as their big guns of Williams & Portis didn’t excel…but with a bit of help from their opponents it was enough.  Looks like a big payday is in store for the ‘Holes, as they win the Superbowl, probably the point total, efficiency, power rankings, and the $$ for the wildcard berth.  We know who will be buying some rounds at the year-end party!  FuMunda makes it to the big dance but falls victim to injury and generally bad coaching decisions.  They missed out on Kerry Collins huge day and started Bulger, who quickly injured himself.  OUCH.  Why start a Rams player anyway, they’ve sucked all year...well, it gives them all the more reason to hate ‘em.  Anyway, that was more or less the story of this Superbowl, a missed opportunity.  Even though the championship eluded them, it’s nothing to be too ashamed about…for what it’s worth, after last season’s 4-10 record they have a great turnaround season at 9-6 and will collect vs. pay this year.  Division champs and second place $$ is still pretty good. 

3rd Place Round:
High Tech Rednecks 126, PRI 107.
  Fortunately for the Rednecks, they didn’t miss out on Toomer’s monster day…turns out they really needed it as the rest of their team was as limp as Dave’s dick around females.  The ‘Necks finish off their year at 8-7 and earn a $50 consolation prize for their finish.  The ‘Itches felt pretty good after Saturday’s games, then watched two of their uninjured Sunday starters turn in zero points, while the injured (and benched) Darrell Jackson grabs a 38-yard score on their bench.  Fuck.  Tough way to end the season as this loss cost them the efficiency championship & 3rd place prizes.  Bragging rights to the Rednecks until 2003 hurts even more...

Last Chance Bracket Finals, 7th Place :
Cyclones 105, G-Men 71. 
Outside of the Assholes, the Cyclones were the best team in our league the second half of the season.  Remember at one time they were 0-6, but end up finishing in 7th place at 8-7.  Most important, they’ve earned the respect of the commish!  A few extra dollars for the efforts will offset some of their bills.  I was all ready to write about how the G-Men shot themselves in the foot by playing an injured Owens and Walls, but as it turned out it just didn’t really matter.  Their entire team was lousy this week.  Bledsoe starting at –4?  Painful.  They earn a few dollars for 8th place and look forward to 2003.   

9th Place Round:
Blind Squirrels 194, Venwaz 99.
  The Squirrels end strong, very strong, even if it mostly meaningless.  Manning scores 64 and six of eight players hit double digits…and they could have scored more!  The Squirrels earn back a bit of respect and the $10 they owed for their last loss.  Venwaz ends the season at a disappointing 10th place overall, only two rungs up from their last place finish in 2001.  The good news is that Fiedler, well, oh who really cares…at least they have a shot at a high draft pick. 

For Points/Efficiency/Power Ranks only:
Pull My Finger 125, VEGA 94
.  This game held some meaning, at least for one of the teams, and the ‘Finger improve their chances of earning some point total cash with the 125-point effort.  For the year they’ve locked up 5th place and now must hope Ruffy stinks it up in the week #17 Toilet Bowl.  VEGA, well they probably suffered the same fate that most other fantasy teams had with Marshall Faulk.  A hard fall from grace indeed, but like Nebraska there’s no doubt they’ll be back…

Week #15

Playoffs, Semi-Final Round:
FuMunda Cheez 130, Painful Rectal Itches 100.  The ‘Cheez turn out a strong performance, putting seven starters in double digits and riding good days by Deuce Staley and Marc Bulger to victory.  The #1 ranked team as seasons end is now heading to the Superbowl!  This team, formerly known as the Cheesy-Poofs,could be the story of the year…from Toilet Bowl champs in 2001 to a possible SFFL Championship in 2002.  Additionally, perfect efficiency inches them into the overall lead in that category.   PRI’s improbable run to the finals ends with a lackluster performance.  Gee, it’s kind of hard to win a game when only one of your deadbeat starters manages to find the endzone…well, one if you’re not counting the defense.  The ‘Itches will now play for the 3rd place prize and still have a shot at the efficiency title. 

Assholes 178, High Tech Rednecks 91.  I think it was mentioned a couple weeks ago that the Assholes were the league’s most dangerous team…and they showed it in this laugher of a win in the semi-finals.  How dominating was this victory?  Clinton Portis (79 pts) almost won the game single-handedly for ‘em!  Could have been even worse with better WR starters, but they didn’t need it.  The ‘Holes, who barely made the playoffs, make their first finals appearance since they won it all in 1997 and will be tough to beat.  The Rednecks looked like the team they should be when starting Jon Kitna…no out-of-his-fucking-skull performance this week.  However, it really didn’t matter who they played as they still got slaughtered even if you count the scores from all their fifteen roster players.  They now face PRI for 3rd place overall, in what should be a game chok full of sidebets. 

Last Chance Bracket, Semi-Final Round:
G-Men 139, Venwaz 71.  The ‘Men stay in the point hunt and are in the “finals” of the loser bracket…not a bad thing as they will at the least earn some cash to offset their expenses.  Travis Henry & the WRs were the stars.  This team may have made some noise in the regular playoffs…if only they played the polock kicker in week #13.  Venwaz, who once led the National conference, continues in their low-scoring ways and now looks for a 9th place finish at best. 

Cyclones 198, Blind Squirrels 92.  Wow…a point explosion by the Cyclones!  The Culpepper-Moss tandem finally pays off huge, and moves the team that at mid-season was easily the leagues worst into the last chance finals…now a victory could give them a winning record for the season.  Who would’ve thunk it.  In the “sinking fast” category sit the Blind Squirrels, who are looking for a merciful end to what could end up being their worst season ever.  A victory over the weak Venwaz may help dilute the stink of failure, and earn them a ten-spot.  I know, big fucking deal…    

5th Place Consolation Round:
Pull My Finger 145, VEGA 63
.  The ‘Finger ends their season in a relatively respectable fashion, thumping the former champs and finishing 9-6.  A shame they missed out on Trent Green’s 62 on the bench, but they didn’t need it with six starters in double digits, five logging 20 points or more.  The “once mighty” VEGA ends up in 6th place overall, or basically their playoff seeding.  Hey, you can’t win ‘em all…but you can certainly earn a Kick in the Dick for this lousy performance!

“Toilet Bowl” warmup (for statistical purposes only):
Ruffy 179, Dukes 120
.  As mentioned, this game was only for the stats…and Ruffy’s decent performance keeps them right in the thick of things for point total $$$ (hey Ruffy, looks like that Marcell Shipp trade may pay off!  As for the Dukes, this was completely meaningless and they continue to suck.  These two teams have Week #16 off then play for the coveted Toilet Bowl title, all by themselves, in Week 17.



Week #14

PLAYOFFS, First Round:

Painful Rectal Itches 133, VEGA 98.  The ‘Itches end their mini-slump by pulling off their most important win of the season, ousting the three-time defending champs.  Jeff Garcia (60 pts) was a true lifesaver, and the backfield performed well enough to push them over the top.  PRI hopes for a bit more balance next week against the league’s highest scoring team…but a team they’ve already beat this year.  All good things must end sometime…and VEGA will not be keeping the SFFL trophy this season.  Not a banner day for the team that’s dominated the postseason for the past three years…Faulk was a true letdown, and Gannon managed exactly 0 TDs though passed for over 300 yards.  Never mind Smith’s 20 points on the bench, it wouldn’t have made a difference in the outcome.  VEGA plays in the consolation round next week, for 5th place honors. 

Assholes 130, Pull My Finger 118.  OK, everybody sing: “Oh, Ricky, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, HEY RICKY!”  In one of the true great comeback games in SFFL history, the Assholes ride Williams’ 55 points on Monday night to an upset victory, which also happens to be their fourth straight win.  Sneed & Co thank the Bears for electing not to tackle in this game.  They leave many points on the bench, but still manage to take over the #1 spot in point totals.  Easily the most dangerous team in SFFL right now, they move to the second round & face their buddies, the Rednecks.  For the ‘Finger, a good season comes to a bitter end…even more sad considering they have the one-man wrecking crew in Priest Holmes.  Seven of eight players in double digits this week, but playing Gardner over Galloway could have won the game for ‘em.  The two Superbowl teams from 2001 now play for 5th place next week.


Last Chance Bracket, First Round: 

G-Men 134, Dukes 88.  The team that missed the playoffs due to bad judgement looks like they should be in the regular playoffs with this win.  Six players in double digits and perfect efficiency, not a bad performance.  If only they played the polock kicker in week #13…but they move into the second round.  The Dukes have ended up right where they belong…after spending $7 in transaction fees for Mike Alstott (9 pts) and benching Tim Couch (50 points), they’re at the bottom of the barrel in the SFFL and can start looking forward to a Toilet Bowl berth vs. Ruffy.  Better go get those markers now for the 2003 Draft Board!

Blind Squirrels 118, Ruffy 100.  I heard the rumor that after years of success, Erik has been whining like a sissy about his poor team this year…starting to sound like a Nebraska fan.  However, they take a step towards more respectability with this victory and move to the second round of the last chance bracket.  At the beginning of the season I actually defended Ruffy when some owners snickered after their draft.  Well, I take it all back now as they truly suck.  Sure, they’re still in the top 1/3 of scoring for the league (barely), but at 5-9 they’ve only guaranteed an unenviable trip in week #17 to the Toilet Bowl.  Nice job!


Other matchups, for points/efficiency/power rankings:

High Tech Rednecks 167, FuMunda Cheez 93.  The Rednecks find the Kitna attack is effective, which helps them greatly boost their Power Rankings and league respectability.  FuMunda Cheez looks awful this week, dropping in efficiency, power rankings, and thanks to Ricky Williams they slip to #2 in the point total lead. 

Venwaz 118, Cyclones 113.  Venwaz puts together a nice come from behind win on Monday night, too bad the win doesn’t count but it helps their efficiency.  The Cyclones get a big day from Jamal Lewis, but DAMN if they didn’t leave a bunch of points on the bench!

Week #13

Cyclones 139, Ruffy 116.  The ‘Clones end their season on a positive note, getting seven of eight players in double digits and winning five of their last six.  If you could erase the first seven games of the season they’d be heading towards the championship…but despite the nice turnaround they fall short of the playoffs yet again.  Speaking of missing the playoffs, looks like the only active SFFL team to never make the postseason will have to wait another year.  All is not lost as they are still flying high in points & efficiency, so they have a shot at some $$.  Outside of that, one has to wonder what would have happened if they would have played a tiebreaker in week #1…

High Tech Rednecks 108, Dukes 69.  Try as they might, the league’s favorite whipping boys fail in their attempt to get bounced from the playoffs and manage to accidentally clinch the American Conference title…their first ever.  Their RBs save the day while Warner continues to suck (yes Dave, he sucks).  They get a bye week and await the winner of Assholes-PMF, both of which beat ‘em this year.   The Dukes can officially chant “We’re #12” at least for the regular season, finishing an anemic 4-9.  Someone has to be last, and who better than a team that usually doesn’t care.  They did shape up as the season progressed, and it actually helped for a while…but not this week as they earn the Kick in the Dick for a league leading fourth time this year. 

Assholes 188, Venwaz 74.  Wow…the ‘Holes looked down & out three weeks ago but come alive when it matters.  Easily the best RB tandem with Portis and Williams, they take the #5 seed and could cause major trouble in the playoffs.  They face Pull My Finger in the first playoff round, who feature the best RB (Vick).  Venwaz takes this one up the ass, and are now end up out on their asses.  This must-win game featured little effort except for their bench, and unfortunately VEGA, who they didn’t play in the regular season, wins the tiebreaker due to point totals.  The luck finally runs out…

Blind Squirrels 171, Painful Rectal Itches 113.  Look, the Squirrels are back…59 from Tomlinson, 40 from Moulds…oh wait, they were already out of it.  It’s a rare year that the Squirrels miss the playoffs, but this was a nice warmup for the last chance bracket.  Outside of the Philly D, PRI looked less than average this game…but they still end up clinching the National conference when Venwaz also stumbled.  Not too shabby for starting the season 0-3.  Next up, they have the unenviable task of facing the three-time defending champs. 

Pull My Finger 176, G-Men 171.  The 2001 leader in wins ties for the best this year, hanging on for an important Monday night victory.  They now have two supermen on their team with Vick & Holmes ( Trent who??).  This win locks up a playoff spot, but just a wildcard as the ‘Cheez owned them this year.  A dangerous group of Assholes awaits.  Hey G-Men…bottom line, the acclaimed polock kicker would have won this game for you had he not been benched.  A win gets the ‘Men into the playoffs for the second straight year, but alas a bad decision wastes a great game for ‘em and ruins their valiant comeback effort on Monday night.  No playoffs for you.  The Assholes & PMF love you guys!  The rest of us think you’re dumbasses.

FuMunda Cheez 176, VEGA 88.  The ‘Cheez take all of the guesswork and fun out of the “game of the year” with this slaughter.  Seven of eight players in double digits, and new QB pickup Collins looked great.  8-5 is a remarkable turnaround from last year, and they earn the Federal conference title and a playoff bye week.  VEGA ends the regular season whimpering like a sissy, losing their last two in spectacular fashion…one in a come-from-behind, and this one was a full frontal assault.  Almost sounds like porn.  Regardless, they eek into the playoffs since Venwaz can’t score points, and now face PRI…who, by the way, was the last team to win the SFFL championship before VEGA took over.    

Final Regular Season Rankings (after week #13)  

1. FuMunda Cheez (8-5) – come up big when it matters, win Federal and get first round bye. 
2. High Tech Rednecks
(7-6) – avoid sheer embarrassment by hanging on for American title.
3. Painful Rectal Itches
(7-6) – unlikely conference champs stumble to title, thanks to the Assholes.
. Pull My Finger (8-5) – tied for leagues best record; swept by ‘Cheez so they take wildcard berth. 
5. Assholes
(7-6) – leagues hottest team wins last three, helps PRI and clinches wildcard berth.  
(7-6) – three time defending champs return to the playoffs again…barely…limping…
7. Venwaz (7-6) – lack of scoring finally catches up…miss playoffs on point tiebreaker with VEGA. 
8. Cyclones (6-7) – going 5-1 in last six games earns them some much-needed SFFL respect.
9. G-Men (6-7) – valiant run towards playoffs falls short in an inconsistent season.
10. Blind Squirrels (6-7) – they end their slide on a great note, but way too late to really matter. 
11. Ruffy (5-8) – big scoring, big potential, lose five of their last six games and piss away their season.
12. Dukes (4-9) – another disappointing year…but the Toilet Bowl’s #1 candidate!

Week #12

Wow...believe it or not, TEN teams are still vying for playoff spots!  The writeups are below but I need a bit of time to figure out the true playoff scenarios...the only truly simple one is for the American conference, where the conference winner will be the only team going to the playoffs from that group!  With a couple exceptions, almost anything can happen in the National and Federal conferences.  All-important week #13...gotta love it!!!

Cyclones 164, High Tech Rednecks 117.  Simply an amazing story…’Clones get 57(!!) from Atlanta’s D and in beating the conference leader are now legitimate challengers for the division title.  Need a win and a Rednecks  loss to see the postseason.  Despite a decent performance by Warner & their WRs, the Rednecks get a goose for starting Deuce and could be sitting out the playoffs this year.  They must beat the Dukes to make the playoffs…repeat, they MUST win to get in.

Dukes 121, Ruffy 118.  The early oust from the playoffs made me declare “Let them be spoilers”, and they’re doing a hellava job.  The Dukes get a rare big day from Shawn Alexander and notch their 4th win of the year.  They can do major conference damage by knocking off the Rednecks.  What happened to Ruffy?  Four INTs from fudgePacker Favre ruin good days from their backfield…and possibly ruin their first shot at the playoffs.  All is not done, but now they must win and cheer for the Dukes to get in!

Venwaz 107, Blind Squirrels 65.  Does everyone choose to have their off days against Venwaz?  Despite sitting Davis, the league’s second lowest scoring team does it again, is now 7-5 and are a virtual playoff lock.  Also, thanks to the Assholes, they still have a chance to win the National…just need a win AND a PRI loss.   The Squirrels only get one starter in double digits (week #11 pickup William Green), take the loss and the Kick in the Dick for the week.  Worst of all, they’re now out of the playoffs.  Hello, last chance bracket!  

Assholes 133, Painful Rectal Itches 96.  The Assholes keep their wildcard hopes alive in a huge win, with the backfield duo of Williams and Portis literally carrying them to victory.  They also even up on their side bets vs. the ‘Itches.  A win next week earns them a playoff berth and helps PRI win the conference.  Speaking of PRI, their five-game streak is snapped in miserable fashion.  Little help from anybody with the exception of Jeff Garcia, and a couple injuries did ‘em in.  Still in good shape for the playoffs and conference title, but to confirm it they just need either a win OR Venwaz loss.  That’s it..

G-Men 117  FuMunda Cheez 100.  The ‘Men make a stunning come-from-behind victory on Monday Night, thanks to Terrell Owens.  This win more than anything else upsets the balance in the Federal conference, and though they can’t win the conference it still puts the G-Men in a possible playoff position!  A win over PMF would get them in!  Despite a great effort by Kordell Stewart, the Cheez lose a golden opportunity to take some control of the Federal conference.  However, they still remain in first place and can clinch the conference in the HUGE matchup vs. VEGA.  Winner take conference, loser could go home.

Pull My Finger 173  VEGA 162    .  The ‘Finger stay quite alive in this Monday night comeback win, beating VEGA in both meetings this year.  Priest “Superman” Holmes contributed 78, while the backfield dished out most of the points.  173 with a gooseegg in the lineup?  Wow.  A disappointing loss for VEGA, as they put seven players in double digits and may have won if San Fran wasn’t so awful on Monday night.  The three-time defending champs are pushed to the brink in this loss but can guarantee a playoff spot with a win…though now would also need help from the G-Men to win the conference.  Did I mention how big the game is this weekend vs. FuMunda Cheez? 


The Playoff Seedings after Week #12
Check back on Wednesday for more playoff info!

1. Painful Rectal Itches
(7-5) – a win or Venwaz loss clinches division for ‘em.
2. FuMunda Cheez
(7-5) – the head of the pack in the Federal; VEGA is game of the year. 
3. High Tech Rednecks
(6-6) – must-win-to-make-playoffs; only American conf. winner is eligible.
4. Venwaz
(7-5) – virtual playoff lock but need win & help from Squirrels to overtake PRI in National.
. Pull My Finger (7-5) – likely in playoffs either way, has beat VEGA twice.
(7-5) – conference record drops ‘em down, but all will be decided vs. FuMunda.
7. G-Men (6-6) – need a win or they’re out of it; hold tiebreaker against Assholes.
8. Assholes (6-6) – similar situation to the G-Men…but they too hold some important tiebreakers. 
9. Ruffy  (5-7) – latest loss was crippling, need a win & HTR loss to make playoffs.
10. Cyclones (5-7) – a win and Rednecks loss makes them the Cinderella story of the year!
11. Blind Squirrels (5-7) – only playing for pride and “last chance bracket” seed now.
12. Dukes (4-8) – division killers kicking ass when it doesn’t matter to ‘em anymore.

Week #11

Week #11 Playoff Standings
This is easily the most competitive year in SFFL’s history.  Believe it or not, with two weeks left still nobody has clinched their respective division!  PRI and the High Tech Rednecks are close as each holds a one game lead, but with seven teams at 6-5 or 5-6, plus two weekends of conference play, just about anything can happen.  As of right now 11 of the 12 teams have a chance to make the playoffs, with the only sure “out” being the Dukes.  If the season ended today, here’s the standings:

1. VEGA (7-4) – tied for National lead, but a gut-check ending with last games vs. PMF & Cheez.
2. Painful Rectal Itches
(7-4) – likely a playoff lock & one win in next two games clinches the National.
3. High Tech Rednecks
(6-5) – can clinch but need a win.  Watch out, playoffs still not a guarantee.
4. FuMunda Cheez
(7-4) – should make playoffs but loss of their QBs will make next two weeks tough.
5. Venwaz
(6-5) – decent playoff shape but will need to score more points so they’re not passed at the end.
. Pull My Finger (6-5) – big win boosts playoff outlook and puts ‘em within range of National title.
7. Ruffy  (5-6) – lost four of last five and possibly stumbling completely out of playoffs. 
8. G-Men (5-6) – hanging in there, but another loss should end their playoff hopes.
9. Blind Squirrels  (5-6) –must beat Venwaz this week or they’ll miss playoffs for first time since ’99.
10. Assholes (5-6) – conference title officially out of reach, but still outside chance at wildcard berth.  
11. Cyclones (4-7) – longshot, but if ‘Clones & Dukes both win last two games they win the American!
12. Dukes (3-8) – officially out of playoff run but can play spoiler role in American.


VEGA 97, Dukes 66.  Here come the three-time defending champs, rattling off three straight wins and remaining in a first place tie in the Federal.  This was anything but a pretty win (or game for that matter), as the Denver D lead their team in scoring, their receivers/TE totaled 13 points and their rotten efficiency was only topped by their opponent.   Still, a win is a win…but the have an acid test to end the season…starting off with 6-5 PMF who beat them by 45 in their first meeting.  The Dukes tried to make some noise, but a big VEGA cock in their mouths chokes ‘em out of the playoff hunt.  Not much to talk about, other than noting that they were so bad this week that they earned both the Kick in the Dick and low efficiency.  Also, it appears they’ve lost Griese for the remainder.  To add insult to this injury, they left enough points on the bench to win the game.  Anyhoo, their last couple games are still meaningful since they can play spoiler in the American.  Watch out, Ruffy!

Pull My Finger 141, Ruffy 120.  The lineup changes  - primarily Vick - pay off for the ‘Finger, who keep pace in the Federal.  Six players in double digits led the balanced attack, and they pull themselves out of the cellar for yearly efficiency.  The two losses to Fumunda Cheez this year may haunt ‘em, but now they get another shot at VEGA, who they beat earlier this season.  A win could propel them closer to a playoff lock and cause havoc in the Federal.  Ruffy started off the day looking good but ended up just a tad short.  Five players in double digits ended up for naught as Gonzo comes up small (3 pts) and the Pittsburgh D is awful at –1 (oh, where is that Philly D now???).  This particular loss really hurts, as at 5-6 they’re now on the outside looking in at the playoffs…which is nothing new as they’ve NEVER made the playoffs.  A good effort vs. the Dukes is necessary to keep ‘em alive another week.  

G-Men 153, Blind Squirrels 98.  The G-Men stare playoff elimination in the face and laugh, at least this week.  Six players in double digits, led by Owens’ 59, allows them to cruise to a surprisingly easy victory.  The only real mistake they make is starting Walls over Crumpler…oh, and initially they wanted to start a player they don’t even have as their backup  (hint – Peter, take over the lineups again).  The ‘Men appear to be resilient but unfortunately remain in last place in the league’s toughest conference.  They may get a break vs. a weakened FuMunda Cheez, but its pretty much do or die at this point.  The Blind Squirrels have certainly picked the wrong time to underachieve…or are they really just not that good?  Despite a decent showing by their backfield (which included new pickup/rookie bust William Green), they don’t have nearly enough firepower to avoid their third straight loss.  Turns out they’re now hanging on for their playoff lives but have a chance to prove their worth against Venwaz.  Winner still has a shot, loser is probably out.  Stay tuned for a good one!

FuMunda Cheez 194, Venwaz 123.  The Cheez hang tough and wipe out their usually low scoring opponent with a nice evening from Bulger plus a host of others…and score 194 even with a goose egg from their D!  However, they suffer a huge loss with McNabb going down, even though he was on their bench this week.  With Bulger likely done, is Rodney Peete really going to get them far?  The ‘Cheez are 3-1 in conference and tied for first with VEGA, who they play in week #13.  However, they can’t overlook the G-Men next week.  Maybe it will have to be Peete to the rescue!  One of the most unlikely team to be contending may be starting to show their true colors.  Venwaz gets a good performance out of Brees & lots of yards from Bruce on Monday Night, but still fall way short.  This loss puts Venwaz a game out of first with two remaining…and another loss (or PRI win) ends their hopes for a National conference title.  Turns out their next opponent, the Blind Squirrels, are in a very similar predicament.  Should be the game of the week…

Assholes 120, High Tech Rednecks 114.  It came down to Torry Holt on Monday night, but he was playing against the Bears…so the ‘Holes take the game and all side bets.  They probably made this more difficult than necessary, as they oddly benched Ricky Williams (32 pts) for Zereoue (4 pts) and WR Porter scored nil as a starter while all their other WRs would have been better choices.  Then again nobody accused them of being good coaches.  Still, the ‘Holes improve to 5-6 but continue in their must-win mode…and just their luck, they draw the league’s hottest team, PRI, in their next game.   The Rednecks seem to think they can back into the playoffs the same way they back into…oh, never mind.  Gee guys, think you should’ve started Carr?  It would have given you the win, dumbasses.  Hines Ward’s huge day (56 points) saved them from a weekly award of shame.  The loss puts them at 6-5, but they remain in first place in the American due to Ruffy’s equal ineptness.   Perhaps a healthy Kurt Warner next week will help, as suddenly their upcoming game against the Cyclones becomes extremely important.  

Painful Rectal Itches 154, Cyclones 98.  The battle of the leagues two hottest teams ended up a blowout in favor of the good guys.  PRI extends their winning streak to five games behind a solid performance by Jeff Garcia (55) and seven of eight starters in double digits.  With both Venwaz and the Blind Squirrels losing, PRI now occupies first place in the National all by themselves.  In the most unlikely turn of events this season, the once 0-3 team needs one more win to clinch the conference title…and the Assholes are up next.   The Cyclones see their three game winning streak halted and lose their starting QB in the process…so it looks like it will again be the Culpepper-Moss tandem for the remainder of the season.  Despite this loss which most likely ends their playoff hopes, give the ‘Clones a hand for turning their season around.  It’s true that they’re actually not out of playoff contention just yet, but as the Grateful Dead fans used to say, “need a miracle.”  A win over the High Tech Rednecks would be one piece of the unlikely puzzle.

Week #10

First, a quick look at the playoff standings through Week #10:
WOW, what a great year so far…three games to go, nothing is locked up and everyone is still in the playoff hunt!  Some say parity sucks but you gotta admit it’s rather exciting!

1. VEGA (6-4) – the team to beat four years running…but week #13 matchup vs. FuMunda is huge.
2. High Tech Rednecks
(6-4) – getting Warner back in a couple weeks will make them tough to beat.
3. Painful Rectal Itches
(6-4) – perfect conference record gives them leg up in National.
4. FuMunda Cheez
(6-4) – better conference record than VEGA but need to beat ‘em in week #13.
5. Venwaz
(6-4) – still in great playoff shape despite absent offensive punch.
6. Ruffy
  (5-5) – Best of the .500 teams, win vs. PMF would be big boost to playoff berth.
7. Blind Squirrels  (5-5) – on the fringe, but right now on the outside looking in.
8. Pull My Finger (5-5) – 33 more total points and they’re in 7th place.
9. G-Men (4-6) – poor conference record, upcoming Squirrels matchup a must win for wildcard hopes.
10. Assholes (4-6) – #3 in league scoring but not catching breaks.  Close to extinction.
11. Cyclones (4-6) – nice turnaround, but tough road to playoffs as they face both Ruffy and Rednecks.
12. Dukes (3-7) – technically not out of it though odds much more heavily favor a Toilet Bowl berth.

High Tech Rednecks 174, FuMunda Cheez 111.  The Rednecks appeared ready to hit a major slide, as their point total was going down fast and they didn’t get Bulger in the roll-off, thus starting Carr.  Turns out they didn’t need a QB as they rocked the slumping Cheez and keep control of the American conference.  Five players with 20+ points and new trade acquisition Hines Ward chipped in 34.  With a bit of a divisional cushion, the ‘Necks now take on their best buddies the Assholes.  The Cheez are the ones who picked up Bulger, but piss his 69 points away on the bench.  Actually their lineup was a comedy of errors as they ended up worst in power rankings and 2nd worst in efficiency for the week.  The Baltimore D was their high scorer…not a good thing.  Remember when Fumunda was once the league’s best team?  They’ve now lost their last three games, tumbled from their lofty rankings and are actually now in second place behind VEGA.  They play the low scoring but still winning Venwaz next week…will that be enough to get back on track?

Cyclones 178, G-Men 154.  It seemed like only yesterday (OK, three weeks ago) when the Cyclones were 1-6 and potentially contending for worst SFFL team EVER…but they’ve suddenly become hot, winning their last three and actually scoring gobs of points!  Thank Tommy Maddox for some of this success, as he scores 76 points this week.  Daunte who??  Their RB combo has come alive and amazingly they are only two games out of first in their conference!  They face a hot PRI next week….both teams are on winning streaks so something has to give.  The G-Men suffer big time from the Bills bye week as almost half their team couldn’t play…but they do make it a respectable loss.  Plaxico Burress scores 71 but unfortunately those passes were coming from the ‘Clones Maddox.  Had a good showing from Oakland ’s special teams on Monday night that still fell well short of what they needed.  The ‘Men remain firmly entrenched in last place of the Federal.  They’ll need a win against the Blind Squirrels next week or it may be lights out for the postseason.

Painful Rectal Itches 131, Dukes 116.  They’re baaaaaaaa-aack!  After an awful 0-3 start, PRI wins their sixth game - fourth in a row - and keep a tentative hold on first place in the National.  Additionally they improve in the statistics and now lead the league in efficiency.  Tough week for Garcia as he reverts to his early season performance level…but the good news is that Bennett (40 pts) has apparently turned into a top fantasy RB even if that fag Moe Williams gets the goal line carries.  Anyway, they can’t overlook the Cyclones next week, who at one time were considered a patsy but are now a force. The Dukes had a great chance to overtake the ‘Itches on Monday night, especially with Rice’s 36 points, but unfortunately for them this is the week Griese chooses to have a terrible, touchdown-less outing.   This loss puts them at 3-7, or dead last in the SFFL.  They may still have a glimmer of hope but will need to win out their games…the  last two are vs. Ruffy and the Rednecks…but they face VEGA this weekend.  I hear “Taps” playing in the background…

Ruffy 119, Assholes 111.  In a very important game, Ruffy gets big points from Marvin Harrison (61) and Favre (36), holds their breath until the end of the game on Monday night., then lets out a sigh of relief as their opponents come up a bit short.  A big win as they improve to 5-5 and stay within a game of the division leading Rednecks.   They face a sometimes good but fellow 5-5 Pull My Finger next week and probably can’t afford to stumble.  The Assholes put six players in double digits, but unfortunately the high scorer had only 21 (Brooks).  A slightly bigger Monday evening by Clinton Portis could have put them over the top for the win, but Denver just sucked.  Speaking of suck, the Assholes are a mirror image of  PRI…after starting 3-0 they’ve now LOST six of their last seven and reside by themselves in last place.  At 4-6 they’re barely still in the hunt…but are certainly looking forward to this weeks matchup with pals  HTR.  Ruffy suddenly loves Assholes!

VEGA 145, Blind Squirrels 100.  Smells like a first-place win…while Faulk limped & fumbled, Gannon has a huge Monday night with 63 points and kicker Vinatieri chipped in 36.   Well, it took ‘em ten weeks but here’s VEGA in first place of the Federal, now ranked as one of the better teams in the league and ready to make yet another title run.  They get the league dog Dukes next…could be a gift, but shouldn’t be overlooked.  The Blind Squirrels are a case study in psychotic team management.  This one statement sums up their week:  Start their QB stud Manning (77 pts on the bench) and they win the game.  However, they chose Pennington, thus the loss and low efficiency for the week.  Oh, and they lose Shannon Sharpe for the year as well.  5-5, third place in the National and staring at a desperate G-Men as their next opponent.  Gut-Check time…

Venwaz 91, Pull My Finger 75.  Truly the game of the WEAK, neither team breaks 100 but Venwaz survives yet another week.  Venwaz sucked the most out of their meager roster, being literally saved by Isaac Bruce who scored 57% of their points.  They are now officially the worst scoring team in our league yet are still 6-4 and technically tied for first in the National.  These guys don’t just have a horseshoe up their ass, they have the whole horse!  On the other end is of course the horseshit, also known as PMF.  Eventually that Kansas City dream would come to an end, but surprisingly it was this past weekend as scoring machines Green & Holmes combined for a whopping 21 points.  Vick on the bench with 44 points.  Garner on the bench with 22.  A well-deserved Kick in the Dick for PMF. They better wake up vs. high scoring Ruffy next week or it’s bye bye finger.  On a side note, it’s been a tough fantasy year for Steve as his YAHOO! team is around 12th place out of 12 (thanks to a bit of help from yours truly). 


Cyclones 140, Ruffy 134. WOW, is it really possible that the Cyclones have won two in a row? Against two good teams? You betcha! Tiki Barber rumbles for 51 points and Tommy Maddox is a great replacement for the sucky Culpepper as the 'Clones knock off the league's highest scoring team & division rival. Still in last in the American (of course), but actually making a nice late run AND they're only two games out of first! So much for Ruffy's easy schedule…despite six players in double figures, they get a goose egg from their TE (too bad Gonzo was on bye) and only 20 from Favre, which stunted their Monday night comeback attempt. Ruffy still leads the SFFL in points (by 30), but three straight losses drop 'em to 4-5. Next week it should be a scoring fest as they take on #3 scorer Assholes…and desperately need a win.

Dukes 125, High Tech Rednecks 29. Written off for dead, the Dukes turn in a nice effort in this conference matchup, putting six starters in double digits at a perfect efficiency rating. No fines for these guys this week, which is not the norm. Believe it or not, they're 3-1 in conference and only two games out of first. Perhaps a playoff run…assuming of course they turn in their lineups. PRI hopes they don't this next week. In an effort reminiscent of the gloryhole days of old, the 'Rednecks put up a whopping 29 points, barely exceeding the all-time futility record of 25 set by VEGA a few years ago. See their three Rams players on the bench producing nothing. Admire Freddy running for 0 points, then to the doctor. Only highlights to report are the Kick in the Dick and low power rankings for the week. Amusingly, due to Ruffy's third straight loss they manage to remain in first. They will need to do about four times better to have a shot at FuMunda Cheez next week.

Assholes 105, Venwaz 91. The usually high scoring Assholes barely break the century mark and only get 17 combined from their Monday night players…but it was enough to end their five-game losing streak. Six players in (low) double digits, Zereoue was the leader, and believe it or not Shane Matthews was a big factor in their win. A big one for the 'Holes as they finally get a conference win and stay only one game back in the National race. Unlike their lucky roll-offs this past week, no such luck for Venwaz in the game as they fall to 5-4. Davis' backup Watson was respectable with 22 points, but James' backup Williams pulls a hammy before the game and is scrubbed. Hardeharhar. Another low scoring event for the balls-less Venwaz….they're now technically in 2nd place but still tied for the lead. Tough matchup vs. PMF next.

Painful Rectal Itches 132, Blind Squirrels 126. Looky who's back from the grave and now leading the National! The 'Itches survive a late comeback attempt on Monday night by the Green Bay D and win their third straight. Another perfect efficiency weekend, with the stars being Garcia and Bennett…both of which have finally been giving some consistent production. Currently at 5-4 with a 4-0 conference record, the 'Itches take over first place…but they'll have to knock off a sometimes challenging Dukes squad to stay there. The Squirrels drop a close, exciting game, falling just short of a Monday night rally (by the way, Ray Lucas really sucks). Bummer. Manning and the Green Bay D are the stars with 30+ points each. The loss keeps 'em tied for first at 5-4 but actually drops 'em to third. Facing VEGA next week will be a daunting task.

Pull My Finger 108, G-Men 83. The battle of mediocrity is won by the 'Finger, who gets 33 points from the much-maligned Keyshawn "get in the damn endzone" Johnson. A generally low scoring affair, which you may expect when Vick scores only 3 and they start Jonathan Wells…but a win is a win. This one makes 'em 5-4 and was a big one, because with the FuMunda Cheez loss it puts them well within striking range at a game out. Low scoring Venwaz is up next. The G-Men fail to keep up in this one, primarily because they have three Bills in their starting lineup and Buffalo was awful on Sunday. Nice to see Hollis chip in a negative score while the polock kicker adds 16 on the bench…not that their crappy coaching really mattered in the long run as they still would have lost. 4-5 may only be two games out of the lead, but it's also last place in the Federal. Playing a revived, hot Cyclones team next week is not the gimmie it once seemed to be.

VEGA 114, FuMunda Cheez 91. Old champs die hard…VEGA rises to the do-or-die challenge of playing the league's best team and National conference leader. It was not a dominating performance, as outside of Marshall Faulk's 39 the rest of the team performed under average…with the exception of Tom Brady's 62 on the bench (QB change time??). Regardless, the win puts the three-time defending champs at 5-4, 2-2 in conference and one game out. A pissed-off Blind Squirrels team is on the horizon, and it should be a dandy. The Cheez drop their second straight, and this one hurt as it helped the rest of their division get right back in the mix. A Monday night comeback with Green and Driver seemed very possible, but only Green was a factor, scoring 41, and that wasn't enough. Outside of the Husker, the Cheez had no firepower whatsoever this weekend. At 6-3 they're still leading the National by a full game, and face the Redneck pussies next in what should notch them their seventh win.


Pull My Finger 129, High Tech Rednecks 118.  It came down to a kicker vs. WR & TE on Monday night, and as the trend has been this year the KICKER wins it…and the ‘Finger move to 4-4.  A nicely balanced game for ‘em with 7 of 8 players in double digits, led by Priest Holmes (big surprise).  This game may not have been so close had they seen Vick’s big day coming and started him.  Anyway, this win basically knots the Federal conference with three teams at 4-4, two games back & chasing FuMunda Cheez.  Conference matchup vs. G-Men very important next week.  Turns out the Rednecks didn’t even need a defense as they would have still fallen a few points short (Seattle, the one they wanted to play but dropped two weeks prior, scored 8).  McAllister had a great day but it was all in vain…as Amani Toomer & Chad Lewis were chumps on Monday night, totaling only 6 points.  The loss drops them to 5-3, but with Ruffy’s loss and playing in the American conference, they’re still easily in first.

Cyclones 122, VEGA 99.  The upset special of the weekend became a reality, with the ‘Clones notching their biggest win (in a few years) over the three-time SFFL defending champs.  Culpepper & Moss vs. the Bears were the big point earners, but Barber on Monday night pushed ‘em over the edge.  An interesting stat - both of their wins have come against last years best two teams!  Next week they play on of this years better ones, Ruffy.  VEGA got great production out of their TWO backup RBs, but a subpar day for Gannon (at least for his standards) and not much other support – including starting an injured TE – spelled doom for this week.  A shame of a loss as they could have moved within one game of conference leading Cheez…but will have their first shot at ‘em directly this coming weekend.  With the divisional competition and dwindling schedule, it should be considered a must-win. 

Blind Squirrels 97, Dukes 80.  After racking up a league high 250 points last week, the ‘Squirrels phone in a much weaker effort but fortunately benefit from playing a lousy opponent.   Pennington appears to be a very capable QB if not spectacular, but some of their holes at RB and WR are starting to show (by the way, it also appears the (180th ranked) De’Shawn Foster project has finally reached it’s end).  The ‘Squirrels are at 5-3, tied for first, but play a suddenly hot PRI next week.  Believe it or not the Dukes actually had a chance in this one…but in a rather surprising move they bench their usual starter Jimmy Smith (22 pts) for Bradford (1 pt) who was going up against a tough Jacksonville D.  Difference in points = another loss, the Kick in the Dick and Low Efficiency.  The best thing the Dukes have going for ‘em is their two wins over the Cyclones…too bad they’re done playing them this year.  The Rednecks must be licking their lips (or each others lips) at this opportunity next week.

Venwaz 141, Ruffy 104.  How does Venwaz keep winning when averaging only 107 ppg?  Opponents are only scoring 102 ppg average against ‘em!  This week Venwaz outscores the leagues leading scoring team with five players in double digits.  Seems like lately the special teams are really making a difference, as Gramatica led their assault with 38 pts.  This win keeps ‘em atop of the National conference at 5-3.  Can they outscore the Assholes next week?  On the other side, a great effort by backup QB McNair (47 pts) is wasted as Ruffy falls to 4-4.  They just didn’t have the big guns this week to win, not even if they were at a perfect efficiency (c’mon guys, you started Derrick Alexander???).  The loss keeps Ruffy in 2nd place behind the Rednecks in the American, and also drops them to #2 overall in scoring.  They could run it up next week with Favre back and playing the Cyclones.

Painful Rectal Itches 184, FuMunda Cheez 101.  Perhaps it’s still too early to declare that the ‘Itches are back, but this massacre was a huge step in the right direction. Garcia appears to finally be breaking through as a legit keeper, as this week he hits with a monster 76 points.  Good to see BOTH RBs having decent days in the same week.  At 4-4, they’re a win away from a 4-0 conference record and getting above .500 for the first time this year…but the Squirrels stand in their way.  The Cheez this week show their rare mortality and hit Earth with a resounding thud.  A nice comeback on Monday night with Superman McNabb saves them the Kick in the Dick humility & puts them slightly ahead of Ruffy in the point totals race, but they still get fined for low power rankings.  Still two games up in the Federal, they have the first of two tough matchups vs. conference rival VEGA this coming week. 

G-Men 181, Assholes 128.  Hard to predict and even harder to write off, the G-Men turn in their second 180+ point performance in the past three weeks and cruise to an easy victory.  Owens was a big recipient of Garcia’s big day…and benching the polock kicker meant that ALL of the starters on the ‘Men were in double figures for points (a true rarity in our league).  At 4-4, basically now they’re in a three-way tie for second or last place, depending on how you look at it.  The winner of their matchup vs. PMF next week will at least be tied for second.  The ‘Holes take yet another beating despite a good output…seems like they’re always on the butt-end (pun intended) of their opponents great weeks.  Good production by their backfield just goes to waste…what a fucking shame, but nobody is shedding tears for ‘em.  After starting out 3-0, the ‘Holes have now dropped five straight and are in last place all by themselves in the National…usually this type of swoon is reserved for the Dukes.  The upcoming bye week for Denver & New Orleans doesn’t help them much against conference leading Venwaz…


High Tech Rednecks 121, Ruffy 86.  The Rednecks continue to surprise everyone, including themselves, by seemingly not needing a QB to win.  This week they get over half their points from Deuce and Fred and easily cruise over the also surprising and high scoring Ruffy.  Good thing they don’t need a QB, as Harrington isn’t too good, Ramsey won’t be starting anymore, and even if the Rams QB tandem they have could play, it’s bye week.  They’re now all alone in first in the American, but can they pull another win against the Finger?  Bring a QB.  This week Ruffy looked like the team of old that we grew to love & abuse.  Five players in double digits but led by their Defense…ouch.  Favre only scores four…ouch.  This low output not only drops them out of the pole position for scoring, but a game behind the ‘Necks in the conference race.  Venwaz is next, at it appears McNair will be at the helm for Ruffy…ouch.

Dukes 124, Cyclones 75.  A new, innovative newsflash hits the Dukes – participate in the league like everyone else and you might win a few games.  Griese scoring 59 points certainly helps a lot, as does Edinger chipping in 25…and, well let’s face it, playing the Cyclones is always a plus.    They’ll need to submit some really, really GOOD lineups next week as they face the Squirrels.  Guys, remember before 7:00 AM on Sunday please.  Poor old pitiful Cyclones…gotta feel for ‘em, especially when their college counterparts got their testicles handed to ‘em by Oklahoma this same weekend.  Big guns Moss & Culpepper, nonfactors.  ANOTHER Kick in the Dick (#3 of this season).  At 1-6, their outlook is…well, Minnesota DOES play the Bears next week, but the ‘Clones play VEGA.  C’est la vie.

Blind Squirrels 250, Assholes 138.  Will the real Blind Squirrels please stand up?  In the most dynamic offensive output of any team this year, the Squirrels exorcise their retarded, underachieving demons and blow away a tough opponent in a very important conference matchup.    Too many good things to list here, but let me say one thing: Shannon Sharpe, where the FUCK have you been the past couple years!!!  They’re now more or less tied for first place in the National and look forward to thoroughly asspumping the Dukes next week.  Speaking of asses, the ‘Holes weren’t terrible this week but never really had a chance.  Brooks was their main standout but he could’ve had 100 points and it wouldn’t have mattered.  This loss drops them to 3-4, still only a game out of first but all the way down to last place in the National.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you score, but what you do with it.  Next up, the G-Men.

Painful Rectal Itches 102, Venwaz 80.  Well, it was another ugly win but PRI rises to the challenge and wins their third conference game of the season.  Albeit a poor performance, barely breaking a hundred, and kicker Feely leading the scoring pack…a far cry from last weeks 160+ effort.  Anyway, what matters is after the 0-3 start, the ‘Itches have went 3-1 and are back in contention in the National.  A true test vs. SFFL leading Fumunda Cheez is in the works for next week.  Venwaz, the scoreless wonders, needed quite a few more points from Edgerrin James on Monday night to give them victory…but it turns out it was just enough to avoid the Kick for the week.  Actually they were a couple better starting roster choices away from leading the National by a game, but they fall into a virtual tie with the Squirrels.  Luckily they face Ruffy sans bye-week Favre, though they’ll still need a much better effort if they want to win.

FuMunda Cheez 162, Pull My Finger 120.  The Cheez continue to dominate the SFFL 2002 season, this time laying waste to a suddenly stinky Finger.  Five players were 20+ in points, led by Ahman Green’s 39, and their only true letdown was lack of a TE (despite having three on their roster).  FuMunda is now 6-1 and have won four straight, but lose Green & Driver to a bye week…will they have enough against a not-so-tough-but-improving PRI?  The commish hopes not.  PMF is now losers in three of their past four games, unfortunately twice to the Cheez which doesn’t help their conference standings, This was a game that they potentially could have won, had Vick & Heap not been planted on the bench.  The good news is that they appear to have no issues at RB.  The bad news is that they’re three games out of first and play a good Rednecks team next week.

VEGA 134, G-Men 84.  The defending champs seem to be returning to prime time with a vengeance, knocking off a sometimes dangerous opponent and moving ahead of .500 for the season.  On a day when their receivers & TE totaled two (2) points, they got all they needed from Gannon & Faulk who scored over ¾ of their points.  A Faulk-less (bye week) VEGA will need a more balanced effort next week, but fortunately get a break as they play the Cyclones.  The G-Men bend over meekly and lose this game with nary a whimper.  All the Buffalo guys had good days, too bad they left one of them (Hollis) on the bench.  The polock kicker is hurting ya.  They fall to 3-4 and are now in last place in the Federal, three games out.  With two or possibly three strong teams in front of ‘em, next weeks game vs. the Assholes becomes almost a must-win.


FuMunda Cheez 172, Assholes 135.  One team is standing out over all others so far this year…and that would be…the Cheez.  Talk about improvement, they’ve already won more games in six weeks then they did in all of 2001!  Five FGs by Elam , good game by Green, and seven of eight players in double digits.  They could have broke 200 if they played Galloway over Ismail, but they didn’t need it.  The Cheez are solidly entrenched in first in the tough Federal conference and face a hopeful PMF next.  Once upon a time the Assholes were 3-0 and looking like the team to beat…since then they’ve been the team getting beat, losing their last three.   Not a bad overall performance with perfect efficiency and six of eight in double figure scoring, but it was way short.  They’re still #3 overall in scoring so let opponents beware…and next up is a much lower scoring Blind Squirrels. 

G-Men 192, PRI 167.  The ‘Men look like world-beaters in this last outing, which boosts them to 3-3.  OK, so you saw it coming with Bledsoe & Henry playing against Houston , and they combine for 81 points.  The rest of the team kicked in some good points as well, including a no-longer-dormant Owens.  Actually the only mistake the G-Men made was not getting in side bets for the game.  Big test next week vs. VEGA, who they’ve already beat once.  A somewhat expected loss for PRI considering the matchups, but it was still their best outing to date.  Perfect efficiency, seven of eight starters in double digits, and Garcia & Bennett are finally pulling their weight.  Third best output of the week loses to the best output of the week.  The ‘Itches, at 2-4, are sorely in need of a win next week against the surprise conference leading Venwaz.  Could be a blessing as their only two wins are in the National. 

Ruffy 148, Blind Squirrels 96.  The amazing, high-flying Ruffy continue their Cinderella story with a perfect efficiency week, bashing the once-powerful Blind Squirrels.  Special teams were the deciding factor this week, combining for 68 points...Ruffy is truly living a charmed life as special team scoring leading the team usually spells defeat.  At 4-2 only one team actually stands above them right now in the statistical categories.  We’re all shocked.  They have a chance to take over first place in the American conference all by themselves against the suddenly not-so-hot Rednecks.  What’s going on with the Blind Squirrels?  They’re 3-3 and just two points above being ranked #9 overall in points scored.  They’re just not getting much consistent production from their big guns, with perhaps the exception of Tomlinson.  This week not even perfect efficiency would have helped…not a great sign.  The Squirrels look to get out of their funk against conference rival Assholes, who they throttled in week #4.

Venwaz 96, Dukes 66.  The commish will have to run a full-scale inquiry into this one, as sexual favors must have been promised in exchange for throwing this game.  Venwaz, who suffered through a generally subpar week with lots of points on the bench, is the beneficiary of a nice gift…since their opponent opted not to field a full team this week.  Can’t fault the winner, and this keeps Venwaz on top of the National, now by a full game.  A desperate but suddenly offensive-oriented PRI plays them next week.  Bottom line, by looking at the bye week players and realistic lineups, the Dukes definitely should have won this game.  Like Russ, I rarely speak my mind or put down other teams, so let me speak out just once to say this is a fucking disgrace.  This year they’re batting .667 on lineup submissions when nothing less than 1.000 will do.  This one helped Venwaz but pissed off the other three teams in the National.  Computer blew up?  Dog ate your lineups?  Cut the bullshit…for God’s sake there are THREE co-owners of the Dukes!!!  For the sake of all the other teams in the league can you at least pretend that you’re interested in fantasy football? 

Cyclones 141, Pull My Finger 119.  Three cheers for the good guys - Hip, Hip, HOORAY for the Cyclones, who finally break into the win column with an impressive victory over a tough opponent.  Just a coincidence St. Louis beats Oakland in the same week?  Regardless, the ‘Clones get big days from Culpepper & Lewis, but would have won bigger if they played the right RB as Bettis had 43 on the bench.  Here’s better news – they could actually make it two in a row as they face fellow 1-5 cellar dweller Dukes next week, who won the first meeting (but they turned in a lineup that week).  The ‘Finger gets great days from their KC attack, a good kicking performance from Stover, but very little in between.  Sadly they missed Alstott’s one good game of the year & left him on the bench (guess you can drop him now).  At 3-3, they have a chance to avenge their 7-point loss two weeks against conference leading Fumunda Cheez…and will need it to avoid falling three games back. 

VEGA 91, High Tech Rednecks 42.  Two teams with bad weeks collide…but the defending champs easily prevail.  Outside of a resurgent Marshall Faulk, not much happening this week for VEGA.  However, this win was a big one as it kept them from falling three games out of first.  They can climb out of the cellar with a win over a surprisingly tough G-Men team next week…perhaps easier said than done.  The High Tech Rednecks are looking more like Low Scoring Buttjamers, totaling the third worst weekly output in SFFL history.  Deuce was the only player in double figures.  It’s a QB controversy for the stupid:  two are injured, one isn’t starting, and all three have a week 8 bye.  In the midst of this mess, they face Ruffy next…a team that throttled them by 60 points in week #4.    I’d say “look out below” but luckily for the ‘Necks that’s secured by the Cyclones & Dukes…


High Tech Rednecks 146, Cyclones 39.  This one doesn’t even qualify as a game since it was so unfair.  The ‘Necks improve to 4-1, and all they needed to do was start one player - Deuce McAllister – to win (FYI, Deuce scored 48).  Next weeks matchup against VEGA should provide much more of a challenge.  Without harping too much on the Cyclones transaction ineptitude, lack of trade foresight, and of course the inability to even start the proper players…let’s just say they’re absolutely fucked as a whole.  With the second lowest scoring output in SFFL HISTORY, this week they are officially the first team to take the Hall of Shame Trifecta, with the Kick in the Dick, low efficiency and low power rankings all in the same week.  Noose & breakaway chair available at no cost.

Ruffy 174, Dukes 116.  What was truly shaping up to be a great game turned into a blowout on Monday night.  Ruffy benefits from another Favre show against the Bears (57 pts) and enjoys a monster day from Garner (67 points) to cruise to victory.  Ruffy improves to 3-2, and as our league’s leading scorer is averaging a whopping 161 points per game.  The Blind Squirrels are their next meal.  The Dukes put four players in double digits and get a great day from Brian Griese, but they fall well short after the Pack attack.  At 1-4 they’re certainly looking at hard time, but should be applauded for not screwing up any of the SFFL basics for two weeks straight.  Maybe they have a chance against Venwaz next week???

Venwaz 139, Blind Squirrels 88.  In a somewhat surprising outcome, Venwaz bounces back strong from last weeks sissy output and throttles the usually tough Blind Squirrels.  Seven of eight players hit double digits, with the only holdout being the way overrated Isaac Bruce (who of course plays for a lousy team).  An impressive performance that, with the Assholes loss, actually boosts them to FIRST place in National conference for now!  The Squirrels seem to flash hot or cold, and it was certainly the latter this week.  Manning & Moulds were good, but the rest of the team…no so much.  They’re actually in the lower half of the league in scoring, an unfamiliar position for ‘em.  They’ll have to bring their “A” game next week as they face league scoring leader Ruffy.

Painful Rectal Itches 139, Assholes 118.  In what should be considered a relatively major upset (given PRI’s spotty Monday night records), the ‘Itches come back strong with Marty Booker AND their best effort of the year to spank their division rival Assholes.  Despite Garcia still not putting up great numbers, Dillon FINALLY (for Gods Sake) breaks through with a huge day.  This win puts the National conference in turmoil, as three teams are at 3-2 and the ‘Itches just a game behind at 2-3…hoping to hit .500 against the G-Men next week.  The Assholes, though leading on Monday night, were generally flat…and again adding to the theory that special teams as your high scorer = trouble (Tampa Bay led their team with 31 points).  More important, this loss drops the ‘Holes to 0-2 in the conference and statistically from first to third place.   Unfortunately they play a very good Fumunda Cheez team next week. 

FuMunda Cheez 168, G-Men 114.  Surprise!  The 2001 Toilet Bowl runners up are suddenly 4-1 this year, leading the division that includes last year’s best two teams.  It certainly doesn’t hurt to have the amazing McNabb (47 pts) on your squad, but the Packers players (as they always do against the Bears)few others contributed quite well.  The Cheez tries to stay ahead of the Federal pack by taking on a wounded but dangerous Assholes squad next week.  The ‘Men continue to hover around mediocrity…after hanging on Monday Night to beat VEGA last week, this week they drop a decision on Monday night.  Despite five players in double digits, including Bledsoe’s team leading 31, they seem to be getting the maximum out of their team…which at 114 points isn’t a great sign.  They look forward to proving their worth against a suddenly revived PRI. 

  Pull My Finger 197, VEGA 152.  In the highly anticipated rematch of last years Superbowl and conference rivals, PMF gets the upper hand in a big way while falling just three short of 200 points.  No QB controversy this week as four players score 38 points or more.  Priest Holmes had another amazing day, while Curtis Martin FINALLY showed up for work.  The ‘Finger moves into a solid second place in the Federal, and also are lucky enough to draw a bye week next as they face the Cyclones.  VEGA actually had a pretty good game overall but ran into a team who had a GREAT game.  Gannon was amazing with 73 points, but the solid backfield sort of fizzled with Lamar Smith crashing back to Earth with –1.  VEGA has been in the cellar before (remember last year’s 1-4 start) and are there again.  Next week they meet a decent Rednecks team so it may be a tough climb out.

Week #4

Ruffy 163, High Tech Rednecks 103.  The new team to be reckoned with in the SFFL…drum roll please…it’s Ruffy!  With a little, OK a LOT of help from Tony Gonzales, the date rapers annihilate their division leading opponent.  At 2-2, Ruffy leads our league in scoring and doesn’t appear to be slowing up anytime soon.  They should improve more next week vs. the Dukes.  It was only a matter of time for the overrated Rednecks to return to Earth…and they did it in glorious fashion by also losing Warner for quite a while.  At least they still have a great RB tandem and either 4-INT Fiedler or the rookie Brees to carry them to further glory.  A week against the Cyclones certainly doesn’t hurt.  

Dukes 170, Cyclones 87.  The battle of our top toilet bowl candidates was decided quickly on Sunday evening, with Shawn Alexander running like a madman for 88 points & giving the Dukes their first win of the season.  In a way I feel good for ‘em as they made it through an entire week without screwing up once.  Perhaps their luck will hold out for another week, but the’ll need some facing Ruffy without Alexander. What nice things can be said about the ‘Clones?  Well, their college counterpart certainly looks good after destroying my Huskers this weekend.  It also appears Dudley was a good TE pickup.  Other than that, well, there is nothing else nice to say.  0-4 and facing a sort-of dangerous Redneck team next week.  Ouch.    

Blind Squirrels 177, Assholes 123.   An unusual yet impressive win for the Squirrels…who needs a QB when your RBs score nearly 100 points combined?  Testicleverde logged in at 0 but the rest of the team contributed nicely in this spanking.  That 58-point performance in week #2 appears forgotten about as they log in as the high scorer this week.  4-1 looks promising.  “Assholes plugged by Squirrels” has certainly been a headline somewhere in San Francisco or Wrigleyville…but this week it belongs to the SFFL.  The high powered offense, second in scoring in our league, couldn’t quite keep up despite four players scoring over 20 points.  The loss is their first, but drops them to second place in the National.  They may get a break against the league’s scoring dogs, PRI, next week.     

Painful Rectal Itches 101, Venwaz 44.  It wasn’t pretty, but PRI finally notches a win in 2002.  A few decent yet unspectacular performances helped, along with a complete meltdown by their opponent.  Good to see Bubba Franks is one of our top QBs.  Next up, the high scoring Assholes…a win would certainly help get the ’Itches back to some respectability.  When one player in our league (Alexander) scores TWICE as much as the entire TEAM of Venwaz, you know it can’t be a very good week.  In fact, it was such a rotten week that there was no close competition for both the Kick in the Dick AND low efficiency ratings.   Isaac Bruce was the lone standout while the Miami D actually cost them –5.  Even had they made the right QB choice (Johnson on the bench with 56) they would have lost.  Will need a huge improvement vs. the Squirrels next week.      

FuMunda Cheez 133, Pull My Finger 126.   The Cheez have a decent outing, but primarily benefit from their opponents bad judgment in this conference victory.  Donald Driver, the new stud on Green Bay , was the leader with 43 points and McNabb again showed why he’s one of the best QBs in the league.  With this victory and VEGA’s loss, the Cheez find themselves all alone atop the Federal conference at 3-1.  ‘The Finger should be called the Boner, as they certainly pulled one by benching Trent Green (and his 5-TD, 74-point performance) for new pickup Tim Couch (1 point).  Oh, oh…there goes the game and the efficiency ratings right down the crapper.  Still, Todd Heap (???) comes up huge on Monday night and actually makes the game close…so I guess in a way all is not lost as they avoid numerous potential penalties.  They get to battle VEGA next week, and pending dumbass roster mistakes it should be a good one.    

G-Men 118, VEGA 112.   The ‘Men end what appeared to be a slide to the conference cellar with a big win over the defending league champs.  Despite TWO starters delivering zero points, the Oakland D comes up with 41 points and four other players hit double digits.  Guys, perhaps you want to continue starting the hot QB Bledsoe?  The game wouldn’t have been as close without that one error.  Anyway, they are now even at 2-2 and play FuMunda Cheez for a shot at leading the Federal.  VEGA appears to have a few issues in their roster…outside of Gannon’s huge day and another decent output by their RBs, they had no other support as their other five starters totaled just ten points.  With a good PMF team on the horizon, they’ll need to get their act together to avoid hitting the cellar.

Week #3

Venwaz 105, G-Men 105.  A thriller to be sure, as another game in our league comes down to the tiebreaker player.  Venwaz had the right one, and came from 23 behind on Monday Night to win their second game.  Not exactly the prettiest game, but they do manage to get five starters in double-digits.  The all-important points were the Gramatica extra point after the INT return for a TD with a minute left in the game.  Venwaz plays downtrodden PRI next week and hopes to grab a share of the National conference lead.  Perhaps the ‘Men could be pretenders after all…a couple good days by Bledsoe and Owens and five of their starters also in double digits couldn’t produce more than 105 points.  Backup Marcus Robinson produced ZERO, which was the deciding factor.  At 1-2 they’re now looking up at the rest of their conference, and VEGA next week. 

 Blind Squirrels 136, FuMunda Cheez 132.  The Squirrels avenge last weeks embarrassing performance with a huge day by Manning (55 pts) and Tomlinson (30 pts).  They survive the McNabb attack and a gooseegg by Sharpe, and get just enough from Wilkins on Monday night to break the tie.  They’ll be tested again next week vs. their conference leader, the Assholes.  FuMunda drops their first game of the year but go down swinging.  It looks like they have a true stud QB in McNabb but the loss of Ahman Green certainly hurt ‘em this week.  Perhaps starting Driver vs. Detroit this week would have been helpful, but, oh well.  

 VEGA 192, Ruffy 173.  Looking very much like the champs of old, VEGA rocks this week against a surprisingly tough opponent.  Appears Tom Brady (64 pts) IS a good fantasy QB, and it doesn’t hurt to double dip with Troy Brown.  They didn’t even need Faulk, which turned out to be a good thing.  What the fuck is up with Lamar Smith?  44 pts???  Guess you have to ride ‘em while he’s hot.  VEGA gets the chance to show the G-Men whose boss of the Federal in the next game.  Tough luck for Ruffy this week…how frustrating it must be to have six players in double digits, score 173 points, be perfect in efficiency and still lose.  Oddly enough, our league’s second highest scoring team  could easily be 3-0 but languish at 1-2.  Lucky them, they now start conference play against the undefeated Rednecks.

 Pull My Finger 128, Dukes 87.  Inspired performance by Priest Holmes, Michael Vick and David Akers was pretty much all the ‘Finger needed to notch their second win of the year.  Three teams tied at 2-1 in the Federal…PMF is one, along with FuMunda Cheez who’s their next opponent.  With them & VEGA it should be a fun race in this conference all year!  The winless Dukes looked about as weak as their attempt to send in a normal transaction requests.  The latest gaffe from the “little team that couldn’t” didn’t really cost them the game, their starters handled that all by themselves.  Griese and the A-Train were pretty much the lone stars, while the Dukes take their SFFL place as the team worst in scoring.  I eagerly wait to see how they will screw themselves over in week #4…

 Assholes 181, Cyclones 74.  Turns out that the Ricky Williams keeper wasn’t a mistake after all…he racks up 45, and along with Aaron Brooks’ 50 they single-handedly tear their crappy opponent a totally new asshole.  At 3-0, the ‘Holes are our leagues highest scoring team, one of two undefeated teams and lead the National conference all by themselves.  They can extend that lead, but will have to get through the Blind Squirrels in the next matchup.  While the mighty get better, the weak get weaker…the Cyclones manage to drop to 0-3 in spectacular fashion by earning the Kick in the Dick while logging in a respectable 94% efficiency.  So much for good backups.  Again, the theory that if the D is your higher scorer, you lose, holds true.    One bright note – they play the equally inept Dukes next week so someone has to finally win.

 High Tech Rednecks 133, PRI 110.  Never thought I’d say it, but after three games the Rednecks are actually one of the best teams in SFFL.   In what’s far & away their best start ever, they roll with 64 points from on special teams and 40 from backup James Stewart (c’mon…STEWART???).  Again, give ‘em credit for winning as Warner (currently third worst QB in our league) was another non-factor.  The only place where they’ve screwed up is forgetting to place a side bet this week.  Next week they face a real test against high-scoring Ruffy.  On the flipside, it’s gone painfully rotten for the ‘Itches way too early…Garcia has been a dud and they have no RB support at all.  As luck would have it, a potentially bright (albeit temporary) pickup in Mealey also was a failure.  Bright side is some decent WRs…dark side is 0-3.  Can it get better with a visit to Venwaz next week.  Hope so…

Week #2

Kick in the Dick:  Blind Squirrels (58)   Low Power Rank: Blind Squirrels (-93)  Low Efficiency: Dukes (66.7%)

High Tech Rednecks 151, Blind Squirrels 58.  Though most people would think that the scores must surely be backwards, this is NOT a misprint.  The ‘Necks run their record to 2-0 behind strong performances by their RB tandem and the San Diego D which ate up the Texans.  Again, as in last week, they did it with Kurt Warner being basically a non-factor…which explains the Rams 0-2 start (sorry, Goose).  Next week they get an underachieving PRI team in their quest for 3-0.  Not much to say about the Squirrels other than What The Fuck Was THAT?!?!  They easily earn the Kick in the Dick for this week, their first one in something like three years…

Venwaz 132, Cyclones 115.  Venwaz gets into the win column, partly in thanks to a long TD by Price in OT.  James was also a big contributor and appears to be “back” this season, while the “high scoring” Washington players sputtered.  Question is, do they go back to Johnson or take a gamble with Stewart at QB in week #3?  The ‘Clones hoped to match their college counterparts with a victory this weekend, but as one would expect it was not to be.  Culpepper & Moss were the standouts, accounting for over half their teams points…which unfortunately, and usually, won’t be enough.  Just their luck, they get to play our leagues highest scoring team in week #3.

FuMunda Cheez 156, Dukes 74.  The New Cheese remains undefeated and roll to an easy victory over their hapless week #2 opponent.  McNabb was nothing short of superb (Kordell, you watching?), and they managed to put six players in double digits.  Shockey is looking like the steal at TE this year.  The Cheez face an angry Blind Squirrels team next week.  You would think that after all these years the Dukes would learn to turn their lineups in on time.  It’s very simple and you have 5-6 days during the week to do so.  Unfortunately their latest bout of laziness didn’t cost them the game, just 20 extra points on the bench AND earns them the low efficiency rating fine for the week. 

Ruffy 168, G-Men 141. It appears the backup-less, playoff-less guys were able to bounce back in a huge way, topping the ‘Men on Monday night in what I’d like to dub as the “Immigrant Bowl” (remember, Peter is Canadian).  Ruffy is at a perfect efficiency level, puts six players in double digits, and 49 points between Thrash & PHI D to come from behind for the win.  Ruffy is currently #2 in our league in scoring.  On the other side, the ‘Men put out a good game, but surely the curry & rice went flying at the TV on Monday night.  Despite Bledsoe’s huge day, it doesn’t help when your stud WR (Owens) still isn’t on track and Burress gets you -2. 

VEGA 145, Painful Rectal Itches 74.  What was hoped to be a true clash of the SFFL titans turned into an embarrassment…at least for one team.  VEGA returns to their championship form and throttles PRI with five of their starters at 20 points or higher.  They did this with a combined 8 points from their WRs & TE.  PRI stumbles big time, getting only somewhat OK performances out of Garcia & Dillon, but nothing from anybody else.  Underachievers or just plain sucky?  Well, the 0-2 start – the worst ever for the ‘Itches – speaks for itself.

Assholes 186, Pull My Finger 103.  A team that ranked near the bottom in scoring in 2001 is off to the races this year…the Assholes whoop it up in week #2 and now top the SFFL in scoring.  The RB tandem of Williams and Jones were second to none this week, while the Tampa Bay D kicked in 41 more points.  Hard to find many faults so far, as they’re 2-0.  The ‘Finger give themselves the bird this week with a lackluster performance…Holmes comes back to Earth and outside of the remarkable NE D, the rest of the team flounders.  A game vs. the Dukes next week may be just what the doctor ordered.

Week #1

Week #1 15th Round player winners – 1st:  Cyclones (TEN D, 24), 2nd: Pull My Finger (HOU D, 21), 3rd: Dukes (SF D, 18).

Week #1:  Power Rankings - PRI   Efficiency - PMF.  Both teams contribute $5 each to the league.
Kick in the Dick - a TIE, Dukes & PRI (101).  Both pay $10 to league.

Assholes 123, VEGA 116:  The 'Holes start out the season on a winning note, getting 106 of their starters points from Miami and New Orleans players...good this round, but oooh, bye weeks 8 & 9 will hurt if they don't get other support.  VEGA begins defense of their three straight league championships on a low note, falling just a bit short on Monday night...Vinatieri almost kicked them to the comeback victory.  Curious to see if a QB controversy is in the making, as Brady sat with 49 points.

Pull My Finger 130, PRI 101:  The Priest Holmes show and a surprise outing by the Houston Texans D (not a misprint) vaults the ‘Finger  to a week one victory.  Wait – I think Holmes just scored again.  A few too many points on the bench may hurt efficiencies.  PRI gets little help from its stars (where the fuck did you go, Corey Dillon) but retains a shred of respectability with a big day from Marty Booker.  Outside of that, just avoiding the "Kick" with a good tiebreaker was about the best they could do.

FuMunda Cheez 125, Ruffy 125: Ah...the importance of a backup player.  The new Cheez, with a very balanced attack - six players in double digit scoring - eek out a victory in the first week.  Antowain Smith's fumble on MNF (for Ruffy) was a big help.  Yes, even though Ruffy put out generally decent figures, they get the DUMBASS recognition of the week for NOT including a tiebreaker player in their lineup...thus handing over the tie decision to their opponent.  Also, they leave big points on the bench.  Looks like another banner year in the making.

G-Men 122, Dukes 101:  Looky here, the Men are out to prove last years playoff run wasn’t a fluke.  The big three of Bledsoe, George and Henry (that’s right, TRAVIS Henry) run the show while stud receivers Owens & Robinson flounder.  Polock Kicker = 4 XP.  The Dukes were poster children for what happens when your WR corps flat out sucks for the week, ruining decent days for Griese & Edinger.  Fortunately their backup players also sucked, earning them the KICK IN THE DICK over the equally hapless PRI.  

Blind Squirrels 139, Cyclones 113: You can't argue with success, and the Squirrels seem to enjoy it every year...and they cost to an easy victory in week #1.  Manning, Tomlinson, and Moulds were their big guns, but they do get BONEHEAD recognition for opting NOT to start their 15th rounder, NY Jets D...which not only outscored their starting D but would have WON the 15th round contest.  D'OH!  The Cyclones, well, they have Culpepper & Moss, plus (thanks to their opponent) did win the 15th rounder pool.  Other than that, same old 'Clones. 

High Tech Rednecks 140, Venwaz 121:  What a lovely first outing for the Rednecks…six players in double digits, Boston leads the way and Taylor doesn’t get hurt.  Also, they did this with Warner being only the 4th highest scorer on their team.  Looks like they have two good QB's...oh...same bye week.  Venwaz gets strong days out of their QB & backfield, but sadly missed the Spurrier Express as QB Matthews sat on the bench with 60 points.  Who ya gonna play in week #2???