Week In Review ARCHIVES
All writeups from the main page are listed here...with the most current at top

Week #16 In Review

Ruffy 149, Dukes 103.  Folks, we have a new SFFL champion…“from second worst to first” is the odyssey of Ruffy, ending the 2002 season strong but this year obviously much stronger.  In an almost perfect efficiency performance, Ruffy rides big days by Aaron Brooks, Kevan Barlow and the New England D to an easy victory in a not-so-thrilling title game.  Brett and Larry were so excited they spent the entire day up at Splinters, watching all but the 7:30 game (which didn’t matter to ‘em).  Give them their props, they did it as the #7 seed and without their superstar Portis in the lineup.  This is the one week the commish can’t & won’t slam their efforts!  As for the Dukes, they started off with a big bang, getting 57 from Brad Johnson on Saturday, but basically laid a stinky egg for the rest of the weekend.  Starting Bruce (who was inactive) didn’t help, but the killer was probably Owens going down early with a broken collarbone.  It still would have taken a big effort as the rest of the team, even the bench, didn’t perform well.  Still, they go from rock-bottom 12th place in 2002 to 2nd place overall with a 9-7 record…that’s pretty damn good.

Painful Rectal Itches 136, Pull My Finger 103.
  For the third time in the past four years, the third place crown goes to the ‘Itches…hey, at least they’re consistent!   The #1 ranked regular season team ends up at a league-leading 13-3 & earn some cash for the efforts.  The ‘Finger’s QB woes didn’t matter either way this game…they lose regardless, drop to 8-8 and finish up 4th overall. 

Venwaz 161, FuMunda Cheez 95.
Behind guys like Jamal Lewis and Hines Ward, Venwaz was the leagues best team in week #16…too bad it only counted for a 5th place finish.  They still finish the season at a respectable 11-5.  After dominating the league through week #11, FuMunda also finishes at 11-5, but runs out of gas, loses four of their last five, and drops to 6th overall.  Oh, and finally earning a Kick in the Dick to boot!

Blind Squirrels 141, High Tech Rednecks 103.
The meaningless 7th place game has the Squirrels racking up dual 44 points performances from Moss and Alexander.  The perpetually lousy Rednecks lose any $$ they earned with their miracle playoff appearance by dropping three straight. 

Week #15 In Review

What an astounding turn of events for a couple of the perennial dogs of the SFFL.  A true “worst to first” Cinderella story for Ruffy and the Dukes, who literally mowed down the leagues top four teams on their way to the finals.  Hey G-Men & VEGA, if 2004 plays out similar there’s lots of hope for ya!

Dukes 158, Painful Rectal Itches 150.  Last year they ended the season #12 overall and arguably one of the worst teams ever in SFFL history…but times have changed for the Dukes, as they knock off the #1 team this year and earn their first ever Superbowl berth.  It was Tomlinson to the rescue – the long reception he broke late Sunday afternoon is what vaulted these guys over their opponent, and they never looked back.  They were also the best of the final four in efficiency for the week…so congrats!  The commish predicted the Dukes would be a tough matchup in the playoffs and got to experience it first hand.  PRI had a decent game but didn’t get the true star power from some of their reliable weekly starters (Culpepper, Davis) when they really needed it.  Still, they had a chance to win on Monday night, but the above-average effort they needed from the Philly D fell short.  SO, for yet another year the top ranked team in the regular season looks to also-ran status.  Don’t shed a tear for us, league owners...PRI will be back!

Ruffy 152, Pull My Finger 127.  OK, so they don’t break the 200-point mark this week (at least not with their starters), but Ruffy rolls over their conference champ…something they were unable to do in the two regular season meetings.  Laugh as you may about them missing the boat on Aaron Brooks’ huge game, turns out they didn’t need him after all as they got 7 of 8 in double digits, led by their RB tandem of Portis & Barlow.  The reigning Toilet Bowl champs now have a chance at the GOOD trophy…but can they do it if Portis’ injury keeps him out next week?  Regardless they have shed their “lovable” losers title, at least for a year.  What about the ‘Fingers…hey, they seemed destined to prove that patience with their awful 3rd round pick in Michael Vick would carry them to the title, but all it proved was that they’re dumbasses.  They missed out on Trent Green’s monster game, Vick puts up a –1, game over.   Imagine all the players they passed up in the draft to let this guy blow their chance at the title.  Anyway, I think everyone gets the point…but they can still end up #3 overall which ain’t bad.  Please play Vick again!!!


...and in the other games:

Venwaz 124, Blind Squirrels 114.  Venwaz eyes a chance at the not-so-important 5th place finish with a less than impressive win, but still a lot of potential.  The Squirrels get good days from three, lousy days from five, and get a chance to skull-fuck the Rednecks next week for 7th place honors.  

FuMunda Cheez 189, High Tech Rednecks 70.  Wow, where was this output the past three weeks?  The ‘Cheez jizz all over their opponents behind Manning’s 5 TD game and look strong going into the consolation finals.  The Rednecks prove again to the world that they suck at fantasy football like they suck cock – consistently.  Another Kick in the Dick, more fines…yada yada yada…

Assholes 127, Cyclones 75.  The leagues defending champs ride the monster day by Joe Horn to finish 9th overall…nice way to end but humbling nonetheless.  The Cyclones, well, the best that happened to them in this last game was scoring just enough to avoid the Kick in the Dick.


Week #15 Preview...

Dukes (8-6) Painful Rectal Itches (12-2)
Ruffy (7-7) Pull My Finger (8-6)

Consolation Bracket Semi-Finals
Blind Squirrels (6-8) Venwaz (9-5)
High Tech Rednecks (6-8) FuMunda Cheez (10-4)

9th Place Finals
Cyclones (5-9) Assholes (6-8)

OK, after this weekend we'll have our Superbowl Teams set:

Dukes vs. PRI game notes:  PRI beat the Dukes 150-94 in week #11.  The 'Itches knocked off the Blind Squirrels in round #1 and are looking for their first final appearance since 1998, when they won their second league championship.  They also have a new RB in their backfield to replace Pittman...literally here and in Tampa Bay.  The Dukes have never made it this far before but can put points on the board & easily disposed of Venwaz in round #1.  They've been relatively solid all year and also been near perfect about turning in lineups...could it translate to a trip from the Toilet Bowl to the Superbowl?

Ruffy vs. Pull My Finger game notes:  PMF swept the two meetings this year, winning 117-72 in week #3 & 141-113 in the conference clincher week #13.  The 'Finger beat up on the High Tech Rednecks in the first round, and are hoping to get back to the championship game for their second time in three years (they lost to VEGA in 2001).  With Michael Vick at the helm, the performance of Atlanta is about equal to Kansas City in terms of importance today.  Ruffy literally demolished FuMunda Cheez in the first round.  They're our defending Toilet Bowl champ and has never been in the playoffs before this year.  Third game is the charm?  Well, with Portis on your team they're always in it...and they can score gobs of points at the drop of a hat.  

The other games feature the battle for 5th place, with the Blind Squirrels taking on Venwaz and the Rednecks playing FuMunda Cheez.  5th place finals are next week.  Additionally, the "9th Place Finals" feature the Cyclones and Assholes, who meet for the first time this year.

The Toilet Bowl, featuring the awesome G-Men and VEGA, will be played in week #17.

Playoff Week #14 In Review

Painful Rectal Itches 138, Blind Squirrels 90.  Takin’ care of business…the #1 ranked team & efficiency champs moves on with some help from Culpepper, winning easily even with a bunch of points on the bench.  A tough Dukes team is next.  The Squirrels were competitive for about half the day, thanks to Randy Moss, then went as limp as Eric’s dick after eight bourbons & cokes.  Yeah, this was sort of expected.

Ruffy 231, FuMunda Cheez 84.  Two words for this game – CLINTON PORTIS.  Ruffy coasts to an amazingly easy victory behind an all-time player high of 105 points in a week, plus gets huge points from the New England D and new RB pickup Kevan Barlow as well.  YEARS of frustration are released in one week as they win their first playoff matchup.  Change the name to the Stinky Cheez, as they go into a total funk at the end of the season, losing their last three.  Once they were the leagues best, now they’ll be fighting for 5th place.

Pull My Finger 160, High Tech Rednecks 111.  A total show of balance in this win for the ‘Finger, and with Vick at the helm after 13 weeks!  He wasn’t the best QB on their team this week, but with eight players in double digits it didn’t matter.  Holmes vs. Portis next week…what a matchup!  The Rednecks show their true loser colors even though negro QB McNabb & negro oft-injured RB Taylor were stars.  I’m sure they’ll still make some argument about how much better they are then the other teams, but as usual nobody will listen or care.

Dukes 146, Venwaz 93.  A surprise but perhaps not…the Dukes come up with another great outing, primarily due to Tomlinson’s monster 67 point game (which seems like nothing next to Portis).  They move into unfamiliar territory, the “final four”, and have a shot at the #1 team…winner goes to the Superbowl.  Venwaz was a giant all year, but unfortunately ends their great season like the ‘Cheez with a sad first round loss.  It wasn’t even dumb player choices this time as nobody performed.  I bet they draft a good kicker in the first few rounds next year!

"Last Chance" Bracket

Assholes 139, G-Men 73.  The ‘Holes earn some respectability by knocking off the league’s “hottest” team, getting a shot at 9th place and some extra cash.  The G-Men are right where they belong, the Toilet Bowl.  Sujit, I hear your name being called…

Cyclones 108, VEGA 82.  What started out as a promising year for the ‘Clones will end with them battling for 9th place.  The “Dream” Toilet Bowl matchup is now complete with VEGA taking the other spot...quite a different championship then they’ve played for before!

Week #13 in Review & Playoffs Standings

The SFFL regular season comes to an end with quite the exciting weekend of games.  With the expanded playoffs, three 6-7 teams make the cut.  Though anything can happen over the next three weeks, one thing for sure is that they’ll be a different champion this year.  So, without further adieu, here’s the scoop:

Blind Squirrels 134, FuMunda Cheez 115.  A must-win for the Squirrels to make the playoffs, and they certainly deliver the goods.  Kitna, Moss & Alexander is all you need to know about this one as they take advantage of their suddenly punchless opponent.  Due to tiebreakers and their wildcard finish they end up the #8 seed…but that still means they’re in the title hunt.  In a somewhat surprising turn of events, the ‘Cheez more or less stop scoring the last two weekends, drop both games & drop out of the #1 seed.  That may not have happened if they played Toomer over Wayne , but such is life and lower efficiency.  Regardless, they win the American conference at 10-3, plus finish as the top scoring team and top power rankings.  Watch out Ruffy!

G-Men 117, Dukes 48.  The ‘Men finish off their season as they began it, with a win.  Shame there were ten losses in between!  The Faulk revival and late season trade certainly helped bring the G-Men some respectability, but not enough to finish the regular season in last place overall.  Hey, they can always make it to #9!  The Dukes looked nothing short of awful, which was reflected in their choice to start Bobby Engram over players like Isaac Bruce or Santana Moss.  Wouldn’t have helped ‘em win anyway, but it did contribute to their trifecta of week #13 penalties – Kick in the Dick, Low Efficiency and Low Power Ranks.  Though this game was meaningless to their playoff standings, an expensive meaningless game nonetheless.

High Tech Rednecks 128, Assholes 112.  When one discusses the greatest “horseshoe lodged up someone’s ass” situations, the 2003 Rednecks season should make the top ten.  Statistically one of the worst teams in our league, they pull off a huge win over the defending champs…end up 6-7…and due to tiebreakers & their 2nd place finish end up the #6 seed in the playoffs.  I’d wish ‘em luck in the playoffs but it seems like they already have enough.  The Assholes…well… they suffer the ultimate embarrassment of being swept by the Rednecks, with this game knocking them out of the playoffs.  That probably says enough about their sorry season as defending champs. 

Pull My Finger 141, Ruffy 113.  It came down to one game, with the winner taking the National conference title, and the ‘Finger reigns supreme in the matchup.  Playing Price over Jimmy Smith was an odd call, but overall they looked much better than their 7-6 conference winning record would indicate.  They also get the added bonus of playing fantasy football’s cruel joke of a playoff team (Rednecks) in the first round.  After sitting on him all season, NOW they must decide if it will be Vick or Green at QB.  Ruffy comes up lame in their one true moment to shine, getting good days only from Portis and Johnson (OK, and a few of their bench players).  They can smile as they’re playoff bound, but instead of being @ #3 and winning nice conference cash, they drop to #7 overall & a matchup with the dominating Cheez...ouch. 

Painful Rectal Itches 123, Venwaz 113.  Unlike the Rednecks, all the ‘Itches wins are due to sheer skill and savvy player choices…OK, and perhaps a wee bit of help from their opponents.  Like the PMF-Ruffy game, the winner takes the (Federal) conference title, and PRI comes out on top PLUS with the Cheez loss ends the regular season as the leagues #1 seeded team.  Oh, and the player choice statement isn’t all crap…they also sneak ahead of the Cheez to take the Efficiency Ratings crown.  Venwaz earns the DUMBFUCK CHOKE of the year by making the fatal choice of benching Chambers & his 58 points in favor of Rod Smith’s 2 (though having Kasay kick for –3 didn’t exactly help either).  No biggie, only the conference crown and #1 seed pissed away.  The ‘Itches owe Venwaz a couple beers of THANKS for their sweet starter choices, which they can now definitely afford with the extra $$ for winning the conference!

VEGA 134, Cyclones 79.  They go out with a bang – VEGA ends their four-game skid the last week of the season by dominating in this win.  Six of eight players in double digits, huge games by Dominick Davis and Miami D, yadda yadda yadda….they still finish 11th overall so who cares.  Believe it or not the Cyclones were at one time 3-2 but then proceeded to suck ass for the rest of the season (with week #12 being the lone exception).  Perhaps they should change their name to the Sooners next year for better luck?  Like VEGA, they’ll now be vying for that coveted 9th place finish.


Playoff Standings – End of Regular Season (top eight make playoffs)
1) Painful Rectal Itches (11-2) – get week 13 help from both Squirrels & Venwaz to finish on top.
2) FuMunda Cheez (10-3)
– riding a two-game losing streak into playoffs.
3) Pull My Finger (7-6) – this week they finish the job & earn division title.
4) Venwaz (9-4) – would have been #1 seed with win but dumb themselves down to #4.
5) Dukes (7-6) – weak finish and tough draw for first playoff week.
6) High Tech Rednecks (6-7) – #12 power rank + #11 efficiency = #6 playoff seed.  Huh?
7) Ruffy (6-7)
– had their chance at the division title & blew it, then tumble to #7.
8) Blind Squirrels (6-7) – nice win over former best team locks in playoff berth.
9) Assholes (5-8) – former champs take humiliating loss to “friends” and just miss playoffs.
10) Cyclones (4-9) – better start than last year, but a way worse finish.
11) VEGA (4-9) – worst scoring team just didn’t have “it” this year.
12) G-Men (3-10) – win last two & suddenly look tough...too bad it’s too late.  

Week 12 In Review and Playoff Standings...

Week #12 turns out to be the Upset Specials week of the year, with just about every “favored” team taking a tumble and mixing up the playoff picture.  Let’s face it, this is what we want to see in our league...even if there is the possibility of a 5-8 team still making the playoffs!  Here’s the games summaries with the updated playoff picture below:

Dukes 151, FuMunda Cheez 117.  Beware of the Dukes, they’re the real deal this year…and the prove it with a convincing win vs. the leagues best team.  A pretty well-balanced attack, six players in double digits led by Edinger, which usually spells defeat when your kicker leads in scoring.  Just not this time.  The Dukes have officially locked up second place in the American and a likely #5 seeding.  Regarding the Cheeze, well it was one of their lowest scoring affairs of the year and nobody on their team was spectacular.  Regardless, no big deal on this one…they’ve already clinched the American conference title, and pending a collapse of never-before seen proportions, the Cheeze will end the regular season as point total winners, efficiency AND power ranking champs…

G-Men 133, Blind Squirrels 107.  Playing spoilers, a revived G-Men come together, actually look good and win their first game since week #1.  Perfect efficiency, six of eight players in double digits, and Jerry Rice actually scored!  Though this game does little to the G-Men’s standings, it deals a severe blow to their opponent’s playoff hopes.  That would be the Blind Squirrels, who for once don’t fuck themselves on dumbass decisions but just come up totally lame in this game.  Kitna was great but few others were…and Randy Moss has just been killing ‘em the past couple weeks.  Anyway, the Squirrels just need to win and they’re in…but the Assholes can help ‘em by winning if by chance the Squirrels fall to Fumunda. 

High Tech Rednecks 142, Ruffy 138.  The funboys are the league’s new Chad Johnson, guaranteeing a win and following through in an exciting matchup.  David Boston is huge (not a misprint) and this point-starved team actually leaves several on the bench in victory.  It’s rare for them to say, but the usual league bitches have their own bitches as the ‘Necks have beaten Ruffy twice this year.  It comes down to do-or-die for HTR in a one-game showdown for the playoffs…vs. the Assholes…win & they’re in, lose & they’re out.  Ruffy makes the playoffs but loses self respect in this loss.  Also, they miss a golden chance to take the lead in the National conference.   Actually they played a good game and got almost all from their team, but in a weird week like this seems like anything can happen.  Ruffy faces the ‘Finger for the conference crown in week #13.

Assholes 152, Pull My Finger 108.  The ‘Holes haven’t taken their last breath in this years league just yet…they suck it up and ride an unbelievable day from Hasselbeck to victory.  The 76 points scored was half their output for the day…but the rest of the role players gave enough to breeze to an easy win.  The ‘Holes play their best buddies, the Rednecks, next week…with the winner making the playoffs and the loser most likely sitting it out.  Regarding PMF, interesting to note this team was once in control of the National but have lost three of their last four en route to the playoffs.  The KC-heavy team gets decent days from their three stars, but they need the rest to step up and it just didn’t happen.  Now their division title and hopes for some self-respect come down to week #13, when they play Ruffy for the division title (winner take all).

Cyclones 103, Painful Rectal Itches 79.   Something had to give, with one team riding a long winning streak and the other on a long losing streak.  The losers finally win one, thanks almost in full to Ricky Williams and the MIN D.  Though the Cyclones are out of the playoff picture (again), at least they go down swinging…even if it was swinging like a girl.  All good things must end, and for the ‘Itches their amazing nine-game win streak is halted with a resounding THUD of underperforming star players.  Minnesota fucks ‘em twice, first with Culpepper putting up a whopping 10 then the MIN D scoring 30 for the ‘Clones.  Also, they “could” have won playing Coles for Warrick.  Anyway, they earn the Kick in the Dick, but even worse they blow a chance to lock up the National conference title.  SO, it comes down to a week #13 showdown vs. Venwaz.  Should be a dandy!

Venwaz 144, VEGA 143.  Easily the SFFL game of the week, as Venwaz sweats it out on Monday night all the way up until the end.  Imagine the dejection they felt when Gramatica trotted onto the field with less than 2½ minutes left…then the raging hard-ons they got when Gruden changes his mind and opts to “go for it” on fourth and inches.  Never mind the stats, just know that Venwaz earns a matchup with PRI in week #13, with the winner taking the Federal conference title.  Revenge can be o-so-sweet, but unfortunately VEGA gets no week #4 payback and falls one stinkin’ point short.  Why, oh why did they pick up and play the awful Rattay????  Thus is the 2003 story of the once great franchise.  The other story is that they’re now officially eliminated from the playoffs this year, for their first time ever.  What a lousy way to go out…


Playoff Standing through Week #12
1) FuMunda Cheez (10-2) –
even the best can’t win ‘em all...but it doesn’t matter.
2) Painful Rectal Itches (10-2) – bad time to have worst game; now face Venwaz for Federal title
3) Pull My Finger (6-6) – unable to finish the job, now in a one-game fight for National crown.
4) Venwaz (9-3) – hung around all year, now they get their shot vs. PRI.
5) Dukes (7-5) – lock up American second place with impressive upset of leagues top team.
6) Ruffy (6-6) – raped by the Rednecks but still play PMF for division title.

7) Blind Squirrels (5-7) – despite embarrassing loss to G-Men, odds are they still make playoffs.
8) High Tech Rednecks (5-7) – simple math: beat the Assholes & they’re in, if not they’re out.
9) Assholes (5-7) – champs hanging in there, can sneak in playoffs (again) with victory or some help.
10) Cyclones (4-8) – valiant win to end losing streak, but too little just a bit too late.
11) VEGA (3-9) – beating FuMunda the only true bright spot in a dismal season.
12) G-Men (2-10) – somewhere Sujit is laughing his curry-brown ass off.

 And a bit more…
With six teams definitely in the playoffs and the G-Men, Cyclones and VEGA all officially out of the running, three teams are jockeying for the final two spots.  Here’s what appears to be the scenarios:

If Squirrels win, they’re in…
If Squirrels lose and:
Asssholes win, Squirels #8 seed
Rednecks win, Squirrels out of it 

If Assholes win, they’re in…
If Assholes lose and:
Squirrels lose Assholes #8 seed
Squirrels win, Assholes out of it. 

If HTR wins, they’re in…
If HTR loses they’re out of it.

Week #11 In Review
Keep reading, as below the game summaries is the playoff picture as it stands now...

Assholes 87, Blind Squirrels 77.   The defending champs keep their slim playoff hopes alive with a lousy game but a big win.  They left a bunch of points on the bench, but that may actually bode well for the future as Travis Henry fractures his leg.  Late season run?  Well, if they finish strong & get some help they could finish as high as 2nd place in the National…but that’s probably asking too much.  The Squirrels decide to put it in reverse for a week by benching 33-point Andre Johnson in place of Travis me-never-catch-shit Taylor .  Even a valiant comeback attempt by Maddox on Monday can’t overcome this fucked decision.  They’re still probably in the playoffs but better be smarter...

FuMunda Cheez 204, High Tech Rednecks 57.  The ‘Cheez continue to stretch their domination of our league with a no-lube cornholing of their unworthy opponent.  All eight starters hit double-digits, let by Sharpe’s 57…basically the same as the Rednecks total output.  FuMunda officially clinches the American conference and pulls further ahead in total points.  Good to see Dumb & Dumber put up a whopping 57 points in an important game, while making those always on-target player decisions that net ‘em an under 50% efficiency for the week AND their second Kick in the Dick of the year.  Isn’t this the same team that more or less claimed they were better than PRI on the Soundoff boards?  Though they’re not a lock for the playoffs yet, they’re ALWAYS good for a laugh!

Venwaz 96, G-Men 90.   The sun shines up Venwaz’ asses this week as they squeak out a too-close-for-comfort comeback win & keep their conference title hopes alive.  Way too many points on the bench almost killed ‘em.  However, They are swearing up & down that they started Holcombe vs. Bulger…I asked Kenji for proof, and about 2:30 PM on Sunday he wrote down the lineup on a Splinters napkin & handed it to me.  Though this may normally be good enough, in the interest of league fairness it was declined.  Just when you though it couldn’t get worse, the G-Men actually go backwards in point totals on Monday night, due to Pittsburgh’s crappy D that registered no sacks, turnovers and gave up 30 points!  Of course starting Fargas as opposed to Buckhalter was a sheer stroke of stupidity…but then again so goes their season.  HUGE fines await.

Painful Rectal Itches 150, Dukes 94.   A whopping nine wins in a row and counting for (according to HTR) the grossly overrated ‘Itches.  With a couple key players injured, weekly bench boy Peter Warrick runs off 46 points while Wilkins kicks the Bears (and Dukes) to oblivion.  This joke of a squad remains #2 overall in point totals and need one more win to lock up the Federal conference, so what a great time to play the Cyclones!  The Dukes got a nice chunk of points from Owens on Monday night, which turns out only saved them from getting the Kick in the Dick.  Even with the loss, they clinch a playoff spot, still remain the likely 2nd place team in the American conference, and if they keep up their remarkable streak of turning lineups in on time just may compete.

Pull My Finger 139, VEGA 104.  The ‘Finger bounces back nicely, partly due to a lousy opponent, and keep their first-place tie in the National.  Holmes had an off-day, but Green & Gonzales were on…and this week they wised up and played Jimmy Smith, who ended up with as many points as Vick.  Week #13 vs. Ruffy will be huge and will likely decide the National conference title.  You can put a fork in VEGA, as they meekly bend over and let the ‘Finger slip right up their ass.  Good to see Edgerrin back to form, but too little way too late.  Though not mathematically eliminated, let’s be real…this party’s over.  However, they now are in the unique position of knocking Venwaz out of the conference title hunt…Marc, remember your vow from earlier this year…

Ruffy 85, Cyclones 82.  This win was about as ugly as they come, but Ruffy sweats out a very close victory.  The date rapers have a knack for playing the wrong guys, and they didn’t disappoint this week by leaving guys like Plummer and Ruuuuu-di on the bench (Shipp guys, come on!).  6-5 & tied for first, despite themselves…but…due to their record and HTH vs. the Assholes, they CLINCH a playoff berth!  The Cyclones have now dropped six in a row, but really dodged that winning bullet by just flat-out not caring.  The big zero for an injured Shockey – of whom they failed to even try to get a backup for – was probably the difference.  Virtually out of the playoff hunt at 3-8, and they deserve it. 

Playoff Rankings through Week #11:
1) FuMunda Cheez (10-1)
– poised to finish regular season winning all accolades.
2) Painful Rectal Itches (10-1) – second best & magic number over Venwaz is one game.
3) Pull My Finger (6-5) – bounced back for nice win & control own destiny.
4) Venwaz (8-3) – a lock for the #4 or #5 seed, but still have outside chance to win conference.
5) Ruffy (6-5) – worst they can finish is #8 but are setting sights for #3.
6) Dukes (6-5) – playoff bound & should end up about here after week #13.
7) Blind Squirrels (5-6) – loss to Assholes hurts, but one more win should lock up playoff spot.
8) High Tech Rednecks (4-7) – what a range, can still win National OR miss playoffs.
9) Assholes (4-7) – win over Squirrels gives them temporary stay of execution.

10) Cyclones (3-8) – proving what can happen when you don’t give a shit.
11) VEGA (3-8) – Nah nah nah nah…nah nah NAH nah…Hey, hey hey…goodbye.
12) G-Men (1-10) – two more losses sets all-time worst SFFL reg season record.

If the playoffs were to begin today, here’s your matchups:
High Tech Rednecks vs. FuMunda Cheez
(“Massacre, Part II”, the ‘Cheez won their meeting 204-57)
Blind Squirrels vs. Painful Rectal Itches
(have not met this year)
Dukes vs. Pull My Finger
(have not met this year)
Ruffy vs. Venwaz
(“Fishheads & Rice Bowl II”, Ruffy won first meeting 104-94)

The “Last Chance” Bracket would be:
G-Men vs. Assholes
(‘Holes won first meeting 150-26)
VEGA vs. Cyclones
(‘Clones won first meeting 122-87 & they play week #13)

Week #10 in Review
Three weeks left...three weeks left...

Ruffy 104, Venwaz 94.  The chants of Ruuuuuudi, Ruuuuuuudi, can be heard as the date rapers win a huge one, hanging on for victory on Monday night.  RJ scores a whopping 49, a savior for a team that didn’t have much else.  They’re now tied for the National conf lead.  Venwaz has one many close ones all year but lets this big one slip away, ending their six-game win streak.  If only Bulger didn’t suck ass…anyway, they’ve locked up at least second place in the Federal and still have an outside shot at the division title.  

Painful Rectal Itches 150, Pull My Finger 137.  Sometimes it takes a little luck, and despite some key injuries to starters Culpepper & Wilkins come up with great games and lead PRI to their eight straight victory.  With the Venwaz loss, the ‘Itches take greater command of the Federal.  The ‘Finger needed only 16 points between Longwell & Walker on Monday Night, but being that they don’t play for KC (who accounted for 74% of their points) and Green Bay sucks, oh well.  Tough one to lose, as at 5-5 they’re tied with Ruffy and keep the National conf race wide open.   

Dukes 192, Assholes 65.  The Dukes seem to be turning it on at the right time, as they give a high colonic to the Assholes while falling just a few points short of 200 in the process.  A great receiving corps plus yet another huge day by Tomlinson led the charge.  Virtually guaranteed a playoff spot at this point.  On the other hand, the defending champs can’t get anything going.  Some of us are waiting for that patented late season run…but my God, when you have to start Najeh Davenport & Andre Davis you know you’re fucked.   Odds are excellent there will be no champ repeat in SFFL this year.

High Tech Rednecks 150, G-Men 137.  The battle of the worthless and weak was actually quite entertaining, with the Rednecks prevailing in this high scoring affair.  Thanks primarily to Fred Taylor and the STL D, the ‘Necks actually remain in the hunt for the National title.  No, that’s not a misprint.  Now, the question is will they play #1 draft pick McNabb again?  Can they knock off the league giant Cheez next week?  The G-Men are seriously cursed…their second best game of the year ends in defeat as they lose their ninth straight.  Not much left to play for other than keeping the fines down, but they have a healthy Faulk and a QB in Pennington…so they may surprise a team or two on the way out.

FuMunda Cheez 172, Cyclones 90.  The Cheez continue to look unbeatable and seem to prove that one loss against VEGA was just a fluke.  Former Husker Ahman Green was a monster on Monday night., and really it was only their receivers who were lousy this week.  At 9-1 they’ve all but officially clinched the American conference and may be hard to catch in the point total race.  Nothing but good stuff here.  However, bad stuff exists in the Cyclones den, who after being 3-2 have lost five straight and may be playing themselves right out of the playoffs.  Unfortunately they missed the boat on (benched) Moe Williams’ biggest day ever.  It’s more or less do-or-die vs. Ruffy next week.

Blind Squirrels 108, VEGA 52.  The Squirrels come away with an expected victory, though nothing has really been easy for ‘em this year.  Their team is starting to look more balanced, with six of eight starters in double digits, and more or less control their playoff destiny…another two wins gets ‘em in for sure.  They play the incontinent Assholes next week…a good start.  VEGA for a few weeks looked like they would turn it around, but let’s face it, they just flat-out blow chunks.  -9, yes -9 for Brian Griese…wow, what a great pickup THAT turned out to be!  Can’t really critique Dunn’s 46 on the bench (James & Davis were logical starters) but it would have helped them win.  At this point it may take a minor miracle for them to make the playoffs.  


Playoff Rankings through Week #10:

1) FuMunda Cheez (9-1) - a virtual lock as champs of American conf & point totals.
2) Painful Rectal Itches (9-1) - One more win should get them Federal conf title.
3) Pull My Finger (5-5) - second straight loss drops 'em into tie with Ruffy.
4) Venwaz (7-3) - tough loss hurts division title hopes but still clinch playoff berth.
5) Dukes (6-4) - tougher than usual…not to be overlooked.
6) Ruffy (5-5) - dogfight from here on out for National conf title with PMF.
7) Blind Squirrels (5-5) - inconsistent but should still make playoffs.
8) High Tech Rednecks (4-6) - can't believe they're hanging in there, but tough two weeks ahead.
9) Cyclones (3-7) - five straight losses & counting…
10) Assholes (3-7) - defending champs now seem down & out…or are they?
11) VEGA (3-7) - schedule doesn't favor a late season comeback. Buh-bye now.
12) G-Men (1-9) - in a class all by themselves. Special ed class, that it.

Week #9 in Review...and playoff update

Dukes 125, Blind Squirrels 84. Looks like there might be another contender in the American…the kicker-less Dukes get a shitload of points from Santana Moss and come away with a huge win. Though it would take a minor miracle to ovetake the Cheez, they're the only ones left in this conference who have a shot at it. The Squirrels are more up and down this year than Erik's hand on his penis. They needed this one to keep pace in their conference, but outside of Randy Moss didn't get shit from the rest of their team…including the bench. They get VEGA next week and can't afford another letdown.

FuMunda Cheez 178, G-Men 94. The 'Cheez keep their elite league status going strong, staying on top of the league with an easy bye-week victory. Perfect efficiency and 89 points from their WRs alone, plus they're 100 points ahead of their closest challenge in point totals. So far, nothing but domination. Ah, the poor G-Men…they've showed signs of a pulse the past couple weekends but basically had no chance. After winning the first week they've now lost EIGHT straight and are hands-down the 2003 league slam doll. The only bright spot is that they get another sad sack with the Rednecks next week…someone's gotta win!

Ruffy 128, Assholes 107. Just can't figure out the date rapers…they lose to crap like VEGA and the Rednecks, but have made the defending champs their bitches this year. A nice comeback win with Portis on Monday night puts them at 4-5, one game out of first place in the National. Tough matchup vs. Venwaz next week, wonder who will show up. As for the Assholes, losing to Ruffy TWICE in a season should be grounds for dismissal. Close enough, as this conference loss puts them at 3-6, 0-4 conference…though still only a couple games from first they almost gotta win out to make the playoffs.

High Tech Rednecks 94, Pull My Finger 67. Opportunity knocked this weekend and the Rednecks came out swinging in their usual limp-wristed methods…but this time they win over a weakened opponent, getting about half their points from QB Collins. Surprisingly, this team isn't out of the division title hunt…yet. No surprise about the 'Finger and their lousy performance, with half their starters (KC 3, TEN 1) on bye plus some dumb choices in QB & TE. Good thing they're hanging onto Vick. Hands down deserving of the Kick in the Dick this week.

Venwaz 100, Cyclones 94. A thriller of sorts, at least in terms of close scores…but Venwaz comes out on top in this important conference matchup. Bulger continues to be their MVP…and at 7-2 they've assured a winning record and most probably a playoff spot. This was a huge game for the 'Clones but the don't rise to meet the challenge. Lack of WR depth hurts them in the Buffalo bye week, and lousy special teams spell doom. Out of the league title hunt, and facing FuMunda Cheez next week could mean it's bye-bye to playoff hopes again this year…

Painful Rectal Itches 142, VEGA 93. The 'Itches are becoming truly painful to their opponents, winning their seventh straight…six of eight players hit double digits, led by the 'Pepper's 39. PRI assures themselves of no less than a second-place finish in the Federal, and stay a game ahead of Venwaz for the lead. VEGA's attempt at a return to respectability takes a big hit with this loss, putting them at 3-6 & 0-4 in the Federal. Ouch. They're now fighting for their playoff lives as they risk missing them for their first time ever…but remember they've come back before…

Playoff Rankings through Week #9:

1) FuMunda Cheez (8-1) - ruling the league and virtual lock on American Conf.
2) Painful Rectal Itches (8-1) - only blemish to date is against FuMunda.
3) Pull My Finger (5-4) - A shaky lead in lousy conference.
4) Venwaz (7-2) - sleeping giant eying week #13 PRI showdown.
5) Dukes (5-4) - playoff caliber pending their famous late swoons.
6) Ruffy (4-5) - could possibly contend if they get their act together.
7) Blind Squirrels (4-5) - winning just enough to see postseason.
8) Cyclones (3-6) - if they can repeat 2002 finish, they're in.
9) High Tech Rednecks (3-6) - this is probably as good as it gets.
10) Assholes (3-6) - missing the usual firepower potential.
11) VEGA (3-6) - improving but probably too little too late.
12) G-Men (1-8) - already out of everything…time to bring back Sujit??

Week #8 In Review
An amazing week for scoring and efficiency (average was over 90% and 75% was the low)…here are the quick briefings:

VEGA 135, Ruffy 113.  The once proud 3-time champs are coming back to life, winning two of their last three & getting solid play this week from everyone except the WR position.  Ruffy continues to blow chunks & underachieve…but remain in second in the National since the rest of that conference blows too.  Lucky bastards!

Pull My Finger 165, Cyclones 49.  The one non-sucking team in the National is PMF, who win big and are led as usual by the KC three…but what happens in bye week 9?  The Cyclones looked like their inept college counterparts this weekend (FYI, Nebraska 28, Iowa State 0), and their great effort earns them the Kick in the Dick.  Sweet.

Venwaz 153, Dukes 90.  Watch out for this team – Venwaz scores a ton with a zero at TE and still has perfect efficiency.  Proving to be one of the leagues elite so far this year.  The Dukes ain’t too shabby either, but this week they go limp, earn low efficiency, and have to begin the search for another K…again…

Painful Rectal Itches 146, G-Men 86.  The ‘Itches keep putting up big numbers and are in a dogfight with the ‘Cheez for league supremacy.  7-of-8 in double digits, nice balance.  The G-Men actually make a game of it for the first half of the day, but with three zeros in the lineup fall easily…again.  However, no penalties this week (first time in three weeks), but have officially guaranteed themselves a losing season.

FuMunda Cheez 173, Assholes 132.  Big Cheez is ruling the league & rules all in scoring this week even with six total points from their RBs.  Double-dipping at QB-RB is fun!  They have a THREE game lead in the American.  The ‘Holes looked like they may make a move and had a pretty good game, just not nearly good enough.  They stay locked in third in the National.

Blind Squirrels 173, High Tech Rednecks 97.  The Squirrels are showing some life again, winning their second in a row and looking like contenders again.  Big days by Moss and special teams gets them back to .500.  The Rednecks are contending too…for the honor of being league’s worst team.  Collins & George are the only starters of note while the retard twins owners sink to the second worst record in the league.

Week #7 In Review...

Blind Squirrels 158, Cyclones 120.  The Squirrels have been hot & cold all year…this week they were scorching with 55 points by Kitna (??) & improve their record to 3-4.  The Cyclones have another decent outing – getting five players in double digits - but come up way short…and fall to 3-4.  Both of these teams hold 3rd place in their respective conferences.

VEGA 128, FuMunda Cheez 110.  The UPSET OF THE YEAR by far – gotta hand it to the one glorious franchise known as VEGA for getting a huge win with this ragtag team.  What a day to double-dip, with Quincy Carter (31 pts) throwing all three TDs to Terry Glen (41).  The formerly undefeated FuMunda lays stinky cheese all over on this one, and sort of prove that winning all the roll-offs doesn’t always help – case in point, Beuerlein’s -4.  Hey, everyone has to lose eventually, but what an embarrassing week for it to happen… 

Assholes 150, G-Men 26.  Looks like the ‘Holes are back to their original form, at least for this week, as they snap their four-game skid.  All sorts of firepower both starting & on the bench, as this game was over with by about 12:15 PM on Sunday.  The G-Men have replaced VEGA as the worst team in the league…easily…and miss tying the all-time low weekly score by one point.  NOTHING was good about ‘em this week, they get their third Kick in the Dick of the year, and next week they lose several starters to a bye and have to play PRI.  Outlook, not so good…

Dukes 168, High Tech Rednecks 65.  The Dukes have a pretty good team this season, have turned in all their lineups on time, and take the 2nd place upper hand in the American with an easy win.  Tomlinson’s 200 yards rushing and Owens’ long TD helps pace the rout.  The Rednecks woes continue, though at least Bockman decided to help out this week.  Didn’t really matter as their kicker was the high scorer, and we all know what that means.  They get a shot at their buddies the Squirrels next…don’t know if that’s good or bad…

Venwaz 107, Pull My Finger 103.  Venwaz gets decent days from Bulger and McAllister, and thought the final team point total was nothing to brag about they hang on for the win.  At 5-2 they’re the #3 team in the league and are only one game behind in the Federal.  Nice job!  The ‘Finger, or KC East, stage a furious comeback with three Chiefs players on Monday night, but fall a few points short.  Priest Holmes won’t win it for you every week.  Regardless, they stay atop the National at 4-3.

Painful Rectal Itches 157, Ruffy 92.  Not to toot our own horns but PRI has put together a pretty good season so far.  Culpepper’s return and new WR pickup Steve Smith combine for 83 points in this way-too-easy victory.  6-1 keeps them atop the Federal for now.  Ruffy thought they were ready for prime time coming into this game, and HAD the firepower to win, but prove they’re nothing but puds who play the wrong guys.  A whopping 111 potential points left on the bench.  Guess they’re neither ready nor bright enough to compete with the bit dawgs yet…

Week #6 in Review

Dukes 129, Blind Squirrels 48.  Despite leaving some points on the bench, the Dukes put together one of their more solid games of the year & win a surprisingly easy game.  At 4-2 they’re in sole possession of 2nd place in the American.  The Squirrels just looked feeble, but fortunately they avoid penalties as there actually were worse this weekend. A shame for both teams that they’re in the same conference as the ‘Cheez….

FuMunda Cheez 165, G-Men 44.  What a great start, as the ‘Cheez were never in doubt in winning their league leading 6th game…despite the fumble Ahman Green was again spectacular.  The Cheez are getting close to clinching the American and the season isn’t even half over.  Since week #1 the G-Men problems continue, losing players and five straight games.  Even with one awful, overly sensitive team whose name shall remain anonymous, the ‘Men are now looking like the front runners for a 12th place finish.  Enjoy another Kick in the Dick, guys!

Ruffy 87, Assholes 75.  It wasn’t pretty but it’s still a “W” – Ruffy gets max efficiency with the low scoring conference win.  Looks like their RB issues may for the time being be handled with Shipp as a starter.  The Assholes started off their title defense on fire but have since turned to fags with their fourth straight loss and are 0-3 in conference.  They’re even worse than the Rednecks…oh my!

Pull My Finger 253, High Tech Rednecks 63.  I can’t confirm for sure but this may be one of the most lopsided victories ever…and the ‘Finger did it without Vick or Bennett (oh yeah, it’s been that way all year).  Mason’s unbelievable 88 points led the team’s seven of eight in double digits.  Though it really didn’t matter this week, the Rednecks are like a ship without a captain…since Dave’s been AWOL dipping his rudder into something else, his team either turns in a bad lineup or none at all.  Nice assist, Russ.  

Venwaz 129, Cyclones 123.  “Bulger Power” for sure, as Venwaz stages a remarkable comeback on Monday, squeaking by with an importance conference win over Cyclones.  Most of their starters looked sharp, and Venwaz takes over sole possession of second in the Federal.  Ironic that former Rams starter Warner is on the Cyclones?  Discuss amongst yourselves.  Anyway, the ‘Clones main threat was a whopping 65 from Air McNair and more or less had it won if Bulger doesn’t have a great night.  3-3 ain’t bad with seven games left.

Painful Rectal Itches 99, VEGA 90.  Ooooh…an off day for the ‘Itches, and starting not one but TWO Bears in their lineup…hee hee, hee hee hee, hooooo hee hee hee, haw haw haaaaaaaaaaw, hoo hee hee….and they beat VEGA for their third conference win and move to 5-1.  Sorry, I’m composed now.  VEGA actually had one of their best games of the season, leads going into Monday night, has Warrick Dunn still playing, then loses to a KICKER.  Wait…I’m feeling the giggles coming on again…he he heee heeee….

Week #5 in review...

Occasionally you have one of those weeks where just about every team looks crappy either in winning or losing.  So far in 2003, this one is the leading candidate.  I must warn you, the following wrapup is NOT for the faint of heart or those who take this fantasy game way, way too seriously…  

VEGA 80, G-Men 69.  The Cubs are in the NLCS & VEGA finally wins a game…someone check & see if hell has officially frozen over.  Fortunately they had an awful opponent as even with a full week #5 lineup they still played all the wrong guys.  Let’s see if they can perform another miracle like they did a few years ago.  Everyone get out the violins and start feeling sorry for the ‘Men, as they lost not only the game but another one of their **cough** “starting” **cough** RBs in Emmit Smith.  Peter & John better start offering BJ’s during trade talks if they want this team to improve.  If not, start talking Toilet Bowl and an ungodly amount of $$ owed at years end…

Cyclones 106, Dukes 73.  Like a mini-VEGA, the ‘Clones leave a ton on the bench but still benefit from a lousy opponent and win the game.  Take the win but sorry, even if you ask I can’t switch your bench & starting receivers...by the way, who the fuck is Bobby Shaw?  The Dukes have contacted the commish, stating that they sent in the wrong lineups and I should use the one from this week LAST year, or any year when they would have started Brad Johnson & the Vikings D.  Perhaps we’ll just keep it as-is, since the Dukes really haven’t been that good in the past either.

Painful Rectal Itches 169, Assholes 52.  Federal conference leader PRI delivers a true ass(hole) whuppin’ to the defending champs, thanks in part to running up the score on Monday with Marvelous Marvin’s 60.   One player away from perfect efficiency too…but I think my partner’s printed out e-mail lineup has Pittman on it vs. Garner…I’ll check.  After starting off 2003 where they ended last year, the ‘Holes are now really looking terrible…enough to earn the Kick in the Dick this week.  After dropping to #7 in the point totals race that they have threatened to QUIT the league if the commish won’t allow them to use both their starting AND bench player point totals every week.  Hey, how’s last place look?

Venwaz 108, High Tech Rednecks 91.  Venwaz stays in 2nd place in the Federal by squeaking by their opponent, thanks mostly to their opponent.  Still, Kenji swears that the way you spell Rod Smith in his culture is CHAMBERS…and he’s right, he has Chambers in his lineup this week!  Oh well.  The Rednecks (a.k.a. the Sigfreid & Roy of SFFL), after spanking each other really really roughly for starting a bye-week RB, are screaming that the really MEANT to play David Boston - it proves so because he’s on their team roster -  and that he should be put in the starting lineup.  The commish has it under review, but until then the loss puts ‘em in second place in the National.  Unlike some others, you guys should sell your team now while there’s still some value…

Ruffy 148, Blind Squirrels 105.  The date rapers actually start the weekend without a TE, since on their lineup I DID receive, the bye week Heap was purposely left off.  Didn’t really matter since the actually got a great day out of Portis and Ruuuuuuuuu-di Johnson, and ended up winning easily.  By point totals, Ruffy moves out of the National cellar.  Moss was the only bright point of light in the Squirrels dark week.  Erik has personally offered to let the commish teabag him if we’d allow their very late lineup change of putting in Kitna over Maddox, which could give them the win.  The commish is sending a formal Sexual Favors contract to Ruffy in the hopes they’ll comply.  Get ready to gargle some gonads!

FuMunda Cheez 108, Pull My Finger 100.  Even though the ‘Cheez remains undefeated and the top point scorer, they are hopping mad that their real lineup, which started Antowain Smith and Peyton Manning, wasn’t received.   Perhaps it was sent to 7991LFFS@aol.com, since those mistakes seem common nowadays, even after seven years.  Despite this shortcoming they’re still 5-0.  The ‘Finger, who made the grave mistake of benching 50-point Price in favor of Nate Burleson, is formerly protesting this outcome, asking the commish to allow the lineup change since they were dumb enough to draft injured players & have been thinking more about the Cubs than football. 

Week #4 In Review...

FuMunda Cheez 207, Dukes 128.  The Cheez continue to be this season’s success story…behind an ungodly day by Manning (6 TDs, 84 pts) they cruise to victory, stay undefeated and atop the statistical categories.  Still can’t say anything bad about ‘em.  The Dukes explode for 128 points, the bulk of which were through a suddenly awake Tomlinson, but it wasn’t nearly enough.  Still, tied for second place in the American conference after four weeks ain’t too bad for this club.   

Blind Squirrels 128, G-Men 114.  The Squirrels regain their winning ways of old, well at least their winning ways & squeak by their hapless conference opponent.  Though they left a village worth of points on the bench, when Moss scores three TDs you don’t need much more.  Regarding the G-Men - if I can quote Peter from Sunday, “We weren’t this bad when Sujit was an owner”.  Ouch.  Well, when you look at the structure of this team he may have a point, at least about the “bad” part.

High Tech Rednecks 120, Ruffy 78.  Give the ‘Necks credit, they got it all from their lineup this week, with perfect efficiency and 7 of 8 players in double digits…even while McNabb looks more like a 10th round pick vs. #10 overall.  Bockman still remains MIA.  Ruffy continues to show their true colors as defending Toilet Bowl champs…an awful starting backfield (0 points total) plus their bench actually outscored their starters.  At 1-3 they’re again holding up the bottom of their conference with a rejuvenated Blind Squirrels up next. 

Pull My Finger 94, Assholes 82.  The ‘Finger enjoy a kicker come-from-behind on Monday night to stun their conference rivals…even more amazing since their bench had a whopping 2 points and Steve predicted a Kick in the Dick for ‘em this week.  Nice win moves them to #2 in the National.  What a difference a couple weeks make for the defending champs – from league’s best after the second week to #3 in their conference.  Actually the only thing that kept ‘em in this game was their kicker, which when he’s your high scorer is usually the kiss of death.

Painful Rectal Itches 163, Cyclones 51.  A dumb decision to start an injured Culpepper ended up only hurting efficiency…Marvin Harrison wins this game all by himself as the ‘Itches enjoy a true laugher.  PRI is actually surprising themselves atop of the Federal @ 3-1.  The Cyclones certainly looked like turds in this matchup, getting virtually nothing out of their starters or bench.  Even having a TE that was actually playing this week wouldn’t have helped. 

Venwaz 144, VEGA 28.  They came, they saw, they giggled…VENWAZ kicks the bejesus out of their conference rivals in a game that was pretty much over before noon.  ‘Waz improves to 2-2 and ranks impressively right under the top spot of the point totals.  Last week I mentioned that VEGA had bottomed out, but obviously I spoke way way WAY too soon.  All of the B.S. controversy aside, they just miss setting the all-time low score for the week & earn penalties including the Kick.  It’s gonna take a lot more than just getting lineups in on time to raise this Titanic. 

Week #3 Snapshot:

The Good:  FuMunda Cheez, now 3-0, top of stats, only undefeated team in our league.
The Bad: VEGA...just pathetic at 0-3.
The Ugly: Champs Assholes getting pummeled by (former) league's worst HT Rednecks.

FuMunda Cheez 101, Blind Squirrels 83.  Despite leaving a bunch of points on the bench, the Cheez continues on their roll, squeaking by in this one with some effort from their Monday night players.  Congrats, they now stand atop our league as the only unbeaten.  The Squirrels have dropped quickly into the toilet since their first weeks grand performance…perhaps Erik was right when he was screaming about how his team sucks.  Then again, they did have Lelie’s 36 points on the bench…D’OH!

Dukes 85, G-Men 58.  Winnin’ ugly but winning nonetheless, the Dukes leave a ton on the bench (hey, how ‘bout that Pochman!) but benefit from Tomlinson finally waking up & playing.  The generally lousy performance was more than enough when their opponent earns the weekly Kick in the Dick.  However, the kick that really hurt was losing Faulk for a while…expect the punchless ‘Men to wheel & deal unless they feel like starting Emmitt for a while.   Look out BELOW…oh, wait, they’re already there.

High Tech Rednecks 118, Assholes 74.  Wow, I don’t think anyone saw this coming…the leagues slam doll grabs a strap-on and rams it to the Assholes, literally.  Guess Dave should stop spending time pretending he’s not gay and turn the lineups in more often.  The ‘Holes…what can you say…their RBs turned in a combined –1 on a week where Hasselback and the drunk idiot kicker are their lone stars.  Back to Earth in a truly embarrassing and costly (for side bets) fashion.   

Pull My Finger 117, Ruffy 72.  The ‘Finger gets all they possibly can out of their lineup, including 35 from an “injured” Priest Holmes, and win easily.  They keep pace with the Assholes in the National while still increasing efficiency.  Will the real Ruffy please step forward?  Is it the juggernaut that scored over 170 last week or the FAGS who whimpered to 72 this week?  After three weeks, fags is the popular choice & they’re again in last place. 

Painful Rectal Itches 109, Venwaz 82.  The ‘Itches survive a Culpepper early injury exit and two gooseeggs in their starting lineup to keep themselves atop the Federal conference.  Thank God Pittman is playing and not in jail!  Venwaz scores less points total this week than Jamal Lewis scored by himself for ‘em last week…Lewis is still the high guy on the team but there wasn’t enough from the supporting cast to avoid their second loss. 

Cyclones 122, VEGA 87.   A perfect performance and the Williams sisters RB tandem continues to be the leagues best…looks like the ‘Clones decided to show up early in the season this year & are playing their players well.  Meanwhile, the once proud team known as VEGA has officially hit rock bottom as the league’s least scoring and only winless team.  It could only get worse as they face a tough Venwaz next…

Top Scoring Performance – Venwaz (235)
Best Power Ranking - Venwaz (148)
Best Efficiency – Cyclones, FuMunda Cheez (100%)
Biggest Game Blowout – Venwaz by 148 over Blind Squirrels
Closest Game – Pull My Finger by 23 over G-Men
Worst Efficiency – High Tech Rednecks (43.4%)
Worst Power Ranking – Blind Squirrels (-148)
Kick in the DickHigh Tech Rednecks

Game Notes:

Venwaz 235, Blind Squirrels 87.  Nobody was better than Venwaz this week…they ride the all-time best rushing day of Jamal Lewis & two long TDs of Darrell Jackson to a laugher, over a team they really wanted to squash.  The Squirrels went from champ to chump caliber in one weeks time, taking an ass pounding worse than the average pedophile in prison. 

FuMunda Cheez 163, PRI 97.  Led by Ahman Green’s 44, the Cheez ride seven of eight into double digits and perfect efficiency to a surprisingly easy victory…and remain undefeated.    This game put the Pain in PRI, as the ‘Itches take a cue from the Blind Squirrels and earn a mighty tumble from the previous week. 

Pull My Finger 141, G-Men 118.  The Priest and Seattle D was just about all PMF needed in week #2 to dispatch their opponents, and get into the W column.  The G-Men have a somewhat decent day, but not even the fat polock kicker could save ‘em when MVP Gannon stumbles to 5 points. 

Ruffy 174, Dukes 112.  Ruffy’s high expectation of this season appeared to be nothing more than a premature ejaculation last week, but they show up in force this time with a nearly flawless game.  The Dukes dream of going undefeated, alas, ends in week #2 with a spanking similar to the one they received by Ruffy in last years Toilet Bowl.

Assholes 197, VEGA 70.  The defending champs are, after the second week, still our league’s best team…a monster performance with a perfect 8-of-8 players in double digits puts them at the top of all stats…Bravo.  On the exact opposite spectrum, VEGA has not one, not two, but THREE gooseeggs in their starting lineup as they quickly become the league doormat…much to the disappointment of the Dukes.

Cyclones 119, High Tech Rednecks 56.  The ‘Clones milk their lineup for all its worth & get two 29-point performances from the Williams sisters (Ricky & Moe), which turned out to be all they needed.  While Dave is out of touch all weekend with a “girl”friend that nobody has ever seen or met, Russ proves his worth by driving the team into the cesspool & racking up all sorts of performance fines.  Watch out VEGA, you have company!

Top Scoring Performance - Blind Squirrels
Best Power Ranking - PRI (66)
Best Efficiency - PRI (100%)
Biggest Game Blowout - PRI by 66 over High Tech Rednecks
Closest Game - FuMunda Cheez by 20 over Ruffy
Worst Efficiency - VEGA (47.8%)
Worst Power Ranking - High Tech Rednecks (-66)
Kick in the Dick - "Epstein Award" winner VEGA

Week 1 #15-round (or rookie) results:
PRI (SF D, 37 pts) and G-Men (Buffalo D, 37 pts) tie for 1st place.
Assholes (NYG D, 35 pts) earn 3rd place.

Game Notes:
PRI 147, High Tech Rednecks 81.  The 'Itches hit on all cylinders in their near-perfect opener, making the Rednecks their bitches yet again...third time in four years.  The Rednecks manage to avoid the Kick in the Dick thanks to VEGA totally sucking, but due earn low Power Ranking honors.  Nice.

Assholes 147, Venwaz 98.  Sneed & Co. start their SFFL championship title defense off right, putting six of eight starters in double digits & never being challenged.  Venwaz is still wondering how the fuck Chris Chambers scored 53 points...on their bench... 

Dukes 88, VEGA 64.  The Dukes end about a hundred game losing streak with a no-so-great-but-it-counts-as-a-win game, even with starting a kicker who's not on a roster.  VEGA, uh, well, let's just say that starting Plummer over Garcia (vs. the Bears) certainly solidified them as the true turd of the week.  Kick in the Dick, low efficiency, my how the once mighty have fallen...

G-Men 141, Cyclones 101.  Impressive opening for new owner Miguel and tagalong partner Gamoff - good output even with a goose-egg from their TE.  The Cyclones kinda slip into early 2002 form even with decent outputs by Williams and concussion-boy Warner. 

FuMunda Cheez 124, Ruffy 104.  The 'Cheez survive their first game without a good performance by their stud QB...but lack of RB depth may be a factor in later games.  Ruffy gets a good day from the #1 overall pick, but besides some good points by their bench players not much else.  

Blind Squirrels 167, Pull My Finger 126.  The Squirrels bitched about their "shitty" team after the draft, then go out and take top scoring honors in the first week.  Whiney fucks are off to a great year.  Despite losing, PMF gets a monster day from Holmes & keeps their efficiency rating decent with Vick & Bennett.